The Insane Waiter

Running wild on customers, chefs, owners and managers since 1997. I bring to you, The Insane Waiter. What do bring to your table? A crisp bottle of San Pellegrino ? Perhaps a lovely seared Sashimi Tuna? Start off with a wonderful bottle from Tuscany perhaps? Why I'll be more than happy to bring you your White Zinfandel and Chicken Caesar. No you can't order the mac and cheese off the kids menu and sorry no, we don't serve cheese sticks....

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Lemons and Oranges

Apples and oranges, or lemons and oranges in this case.

I usually adhere to the man-law of not “fruiting” a beer and only do so when forced to drink Mexican sewer water (hey, love Modelo, no lime) and to serve it as well.

However, being both a waiter and a bar tender for the last several years I do know what fruit comes with what beer and I stick to local customs. That was when I was dismayed when a table had a near fascist attack on me for allegedly fruiting their beer incorrectly.

Well actually it was 100% correct and the knowledge that I have and keep of fruiting the beer is in the part of who I am that is correct 99% of the time, the other 1% being my negligence in the relationship department, which at times I begrudgingly admit that I may be wrong.

So I was delivering a Boulevard Wheat beer with a wedge of lemon as is customary when a gentleman at the table had an inquiry…

“Hey, where’s my orange at?” He asked, clearly perturbed. He then threw his lemon wedge on the ground (we were on the patio, but hey, only an asshole would do that, yes I mean guy who is reading this and would do something like that).

“Sir if you would like an orange all you have to do is ask.” I said, clearly annoyed at his manner, and the fact that I was only halfway though a double shift.

“This was supposed to come with an orange.” He said, nearly pouting, his sense of self importance clearly damaged.

“Traditionally we serve this wheat beer with a lemon, if you’d like an orange I’ll bring you one.”

I said.

“No, no, I suppose it will have to do, but this is supposed to be served with an orange,” He said, looking at me as if I was to acknowledge my grievous error.

“Sir, Belgian whites are often served with an orange, such as a Blue Moon.” I said. I would never drink one with an orange myself as they ruin the head and change the flavor too much for my liking.

Time passed, and I serve up their salads and dinners, modified beyond recognition so much that you could never match them to an item on the written menu.

“Sir, another beer?” I asked, keeping it short and sweet.

“Yes, and don’t forget the orange this time.” He said, still defending his fruiting righteousness.

“Of course, I’ll substitute an orange for you.” I responded.

His response was only a dour face, such as a child gets when denied a second glass of soda by their parents, guess most of you don’t practice that anymore either considering the hopped up caffeine freak children that run around my restaurant. Well at least Starbucks won’t be concerned about keeping their product viable for the next generation knowing our children will be wanting to continue getting their kicks from that speed freak of a coffee-bean mutant on their backs.

I digress, again…

“Maybe you should bring him two oranges, being as you didn’t bring him one earlier.” His wife said haughtily.

I responded with a blank stare back.

Of course the wife was fruiting her Pepsi and demanded another one with her next breath.

Here’s were I slipped up, most soda fruiters use lemon with diet, she had a regular.

I poured her a Diet when I was waiting at the service station for the beers.

I dropped off their drinks and turned around to greet a new table.

“Folks, would you care for a nice chardonnay or a martini to…” I started to say.

“Sir! Sir! SIR!!!” The woman with the soda started to shriek. You’d think the Rape of Nan8king was going on in her granny panties.

I turned around and stopped her conniption with one hand raised, stop-sign fashion.

I returned to my new customers and finished my greeting and took their drink order before taking my attention back to my other friends.

“This is a DIET!” The woman said as she thrust her glass to me.

“I’m sorry, I must have poured you the wrong one.” I said.

“I can’t drink diet, it makes me PHYSICALLY sick!” She shouted back.

“Ma’am, its easily fixed, really.” I said calmly.

“Whatever, just take it out of here,” She said.

I returned with her replaced drink.

"I told you it was a diet,” She said, satisfied that she knew I made a mistake.

“Like I said, easily fixed.” I said as I set it down.

“Oh he has a question.” She said as well, pointing at her mid-twenty something son.

“Yeah, when you brought me my beer you didn’t ask me if I wanted an orange too.” He said.

“Of course.”

Of course…

25 Comments:

At 2:44 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

You should've asked if they'd like a to-go box full of orange slices on their way out. Or a fruitcake for dessert? Idiots...

 
At 8:08 AM , Blogger 6th Floor blog said...

I'm not a big fan of garnishes in general, just enjoy the beer for what it is. If it was meant to have a citrus taste, the brewer would've added it. The practice of putting a lime wedge in a Corona for example, was to combat the skunkiness it picked up from being transported in clear bottles, but that skunkiness is now eliminated via additives in the beer.

 
At 9:20 AM , Anonymous torchy14 said...

you do know that it's legal to slap bitches like that right cause even if they tip big the slap is worth the price

 
At 10:14 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

The correct response was, "Generally, only women prefer an orange slice in this beer."

 
At 10:21 AM , Blogger Government Peon said...

Funny about the son joining in. I guess the apple... or orange... doesn't fall far from the tree.

 
At 1:48 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh how I miss Boulevard Beer...especially their Bully Porter.

 
At 2:00 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

hmm, I was served a Boulevard with a lime wedge once. It was good so I always request it that way. Although I try to remember to ask when I order.
If I forget it's not a big deal

 
At 3:39 PM , Anonymous JuniorMac said...

If you want to be anonymous, you shouldn't have mentioned Boulevard Beer..

its only served in KS and MO..

Wonder where you work at?

Probably somewhere in JoCo, cause that sounds like some stuck up grade A JoCo bitches...

I prefer their Irish Ale myself..

 
At 6:54 PM , Blogger Mz Bowailey said...

What the fuck is wrong with people?

 
At 8:24 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

He's in Iowa, and they do sell Boulevard beer here. Fantastic with a lemon. Idiot orange eaters. I love the terminology "fruiting the beer". People are stupid! You have my sympaties, waiter.

 
At 9:57 PM , Anonymous Mick said...

This took me back to when I spent a summer working with tourists. I was so fed up with the unnecessary rudeness that I made a promise to myself never to work with members of the public again - luckily I have managed to keep this promise, because reading the stories in your blog and others, I would have committed murder by now!

 
At 10:31 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Not that I think this b*tch handled it the right way, but Diet Coke can make people sick. I am allergic to aspertame (Nutra Sweet) and it triggers massive migranes is I accidentally get even a few swallows of it. Just FYI. (Though when I have been accidentally served Diet Coke I politly wait for the server to come back and explain the problem.)

 
At 12:15 AM , Anonymous Jen said...

I get the "scowl" when I ask for a Becks Dark with a lime, but I make my request known before, so there will be no complaints later. The wife, however, should have let it go with the simple easily solved. We all have our pacadillos (spelling?).

 
At 12:18 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

pains in the fucking assess, people are.

 
At 12:37 AM , Anonymous Mick said...

I didn't mean to sound disrespectful of servers and other people who work with the public in my previous post. In actual fact, I have the greatest respect for all of you! I know I couldn't hack it!

 
At 8:50 AM , Anonymous cj said...

Tables like that are the reason 99% of waitstaff are borderline alcoholics.

 
At 10:22 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I believe fruiting the beer in Mexico is to kill the bacteria around the the rim.

 
At 3:57 PM , Anonymous ML said...

They sell Boulevard up here in Minnesota, too. I'm such a fan of their summer beer, Zon.

Love your stories. Sorry that you have to deal with self righteous pricks.

 
At 5:22 PM , Anonymous Kris said...

Great work on the stop sign with your hand! I bet she was all WTF?!?! How dare he?!?!

I know how well it works, because I've done it myself once or twice. The only thing better is my utterly blank face, staring them in the eye while they make asses of themselves in a dining room full of people.

 
At 11:59 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

fucking jackoffs! sorry for you, waiter. hope they never come back!

 
At 3:59 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

OK Time to move onnnnnnnnn

Make up something if you have to, but please post something. I think the paint is dry

Thom D and J.P.

 
At 10:23 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

You should have rubbed the oranges down your pants before serving.

 
At 1:50 PM , Anonymous Amanda said...

Jeezus. The orange-beer guy sounds like my grandpa. He likes to make a big pompous show of how much he knows, and is often wrong. Except he throws raging tantrums when corrected. I think you handled him perfectly. You were polite, but didn't indulge his petty ego. I imagine you remaining imperturbably calm...that always pisses them off even more. Fun times!

I'd bet the lady is a phenylketonuric, so she does have a legitimate beef (seizures! retardation! hooray!) but she didn't have to be such a jackass about it. My food allergy has sent me to the ER a time or two, but oddly enough, I consider it MY responsibility to let the server know, not have people read my damn mind.

Oh well. You rock. Back to lurking. :)

 
At 1:59 PM , Blogger Erin said...

As usual, Insane Waiter, you were right. I live in Kansas City, where Blvd is brewed, and I even worked at a brewery for a few years. Blvd reps themselves hate to see fruit on their beer, but in restaurants and bars around here, it is typically served with a lemon.
Side Note: I always get limes for Diet drinkers. Lemon is for water. When did citrus fruit become so damn popular as a garnish for non-alcoholic drinks?!

Love your blog,
erin

 
At 4:43 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

You act like a child too. You can't just let them think they were right, you have to continue to stroke your own ego by inserting words like substitute.

 

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