The Insane Waiter

Running wild on customers, chefs, owners and managers since 1997. I bring to you, The Insane Waiter. What do bring to your table? A crisp bottle of San Pellegrino ? Perhaps a lovely seared Sashimi Tuna? Start off with a wonderful bottle from Tuscany perhaps? Why I'll be more than happy to bring you your White Zinfandel and Chicken Caesar. No you can't order the mac and cheese off the kids menu and sorry no, we don't serve cheese sticks....

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Oh How Cute!

“Oh your table has just the cutest little girl at it!” Exclaimed Nikki, one of the female servers.
I only could give her a grimacing look.

“What, you don’t like kids?” She said accusingly.

“I don’t like many things,” I said.

My eleven top had turned into a nightmare of two couples and their seven kids, they had taken over my section and the toddlers of the group were running rampant past customers that might actually spend some money.

“Um yeah, can we move over to that table?” asked one of my other customers.

The table was out of my section, I would have to give them up.

And they looked like the type that would drop some serious cash, including a twenty spot for me off of their two top table.

I grimaced again.

“Sure, I’ll get you set up over there.” I said.

I didn’t blame them for moving, hell I’d move too if I was them.

I blamed the eleven top and their demon spawn.

Nikki had come up to the table in the meantime and was fawning over the little girls, just as one rushed out in front of a waiter trucking through with a heavy tray over his head.

“Oh my! They are so adorable!” Nikki gushed.

As she said this one of the other little girls started breaking her crayons and throwing them across the restaurant.

“Sir, you might want to keep an eye on your girls, I wouldn’t want one of them to get hurt.” I said.

“Oh they’ll be fine.” Their father replied nonchalantly.

I spied another toddler crawling on the floor.

“Well there’s a lot of people coming through here.” I reiterated, thinking of customers and servers with drinks and heavy trays.

The man just waved me off.


Jesus, if I acted like that when I was a kid I’d be on the way home by then, with the prospect of a hard hand against my ass.

But these days it might hurt the poor self-esteem.

So the group finally gets settled down enough to order.

Except the kids at the end of the table, they managed to fortify themselves under their chairs.

“Ummm, yah, she would like pasta with sauce on the side, not too much butter, but with chicken, can she get that on the side too? And can she have marinara instead of alfredo? And she can‘t, I repeat can‘t, have anything green on the plate, she won‘t eat it! That means no parsley or anything.” The mother requested for her daughter, for a kids meal.

No wonder people these days are so finicky and entitled.


“Sure sure,” I answered.

So after similar orders for the other kids I’m sitting at a $100 eleven top, not the best table sales wise.

After taking the order I was doing the usual, dodging kids in my section why trying to appease the eleven top’s annoyed neighbors.

I could tell who and what they were going to take their “ruined” dinners out on, me and my tip.

So as I was returning to my table with the adult’s salads I spotted the adults standing together in a group, with concerned looks on all faces.

“We need a band aid right away!” One of the mothers shouted.

“What happened?” I asked.

“Just get me one now!” She snapped.

“Yes ma’am.”

Returning with a band aid I asked again, “what happened?”

“We found this!” The mother hissed as she placed a sliver of bloody glass in my hand.

Yeah, I want a bloody sharp object in my hand, thank you much.

“My daughter cut herself on this, I want to speak to a manager now!” She said.

“I just don’t know how this can happen.” The dad said.

Oh man, I wanted to speak up.

It happened because you feel you don’t need to control your children.

It happened because they were crawling on the floor of a restaurant.

A floor that can get quite filthy from the hundreds of people that walk on it, drop food on it, and yes, break glass on it.

Instead I fetched the manager.

I caught part of their conversation, mostly the manager groveling and offering comps on their dinners.

The parents just couldn’t believe we ran the place with broken glass strewn about.

Well in a darkened restaurant it might be hard to find a sliver of glass that slid under a table leg.

That’s one reason out of many that children should not be crawling on the floor or under the table.

It wasn’t acceptable when I was a kid and it sure as shit isn’t acceptable now.


At 5:21 PM , Blogger Lori said...

You've got a great blog. But I fear that you and the others blogging on the stupidity of your customers are not going to reach the right people. As with everything, those that need to read and learn will never do so...

So, you and your colleagues will always have blogworthy idiots to write about. So I guess it ain't all bad!

At 7:30 PM , Blogger Samantha said...

That sucks serious ass... I'm always astounded by how lax parents are and how completely clueless they are as to why their children are demon spawn.

Great blog by the by.

At 10:16 PM , Blogger ladydyani said...

Long time listener, first time caller.

Tell me they at least tipped something? Or one of the other table nearby saw what you were going through and tipped extra.

Keep my hope in humanity alive.


At 6:20 AM , Blogger Crusader said...

My mother would have busted my butt if I even THOUGHT of behaving badly in public, and I was the same with my kids when they were small. I used to be shocked when people would actually come up to me in restaurants and say "your children are SO well behaved! What little gentlemen!". All I could think was "Well, they better be!" It does not shock me anymore, now that I see people letting their kids run around like miniature hoodlums. I have a real desire to snatch up and swat the bottoms of both the demon spawn and their parents!

At 9:26 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

sometimes it should be legal to shot people that waste good air as I'm sure most of these people and thier childern do

At 11:13 AM , Anonymous lisa said...

Please don't group all parents into this! If my daughter ever acted the way you described, she would be taken out of the the restaurant very quickly! We always tip extra when we are out with our daughter for the server's trouble.

At 1:06 PM , Blogger Brad #1 said...

"If my daughter ever acted the way you described, she would be taken out of the the restaurant very quickly!"

That's very noble of you, but something about your next sentence contradicts that. Why would you have to tip extra for the server's trouble if you wouldn't let your daughter ever act that way?

People need to start teaching manners to their children at a younger age. Kind-of the same way that kids are learning a foreign language at a younger age. Proper english and manners should be prioritized before learning how to talk to someone that doesn't legally belong here.

At 1:32 PM , Blogger reds said...

Good afternoon,
We love dining out. We did before our baby and we do now. She is two. She listens to us most of the time. In resturants we have perfected the "voice of satan". That is the voice that is only audible to those who are within a arms length of us and it is mainly intended for her if she starts acting up. She knows better. She didnt get away with anything when she was one and she wont when she is two, three or more. She sits. She says please and thank you. She knows to only take one toy from the toy chest. (if said resturant has one) She does not raise her voice or talk back to us.
If she chooses not to listen, she is taken either to the bathroom, or outside. There she is told how it is going to be. If she talks back then. She is told that a spank will be the next punishment. She knows that i am not afraid of spanking her. I will also tell off a parent who says anything to me about it.
I want her to know that society has rules. She must follow the rules. There are consequences to life.

At 7:17 PM , Blogger M said...

Ok, definitely not a fun scenario. But have you ever had a pair of parents actually change their baby's poo-filled diaper on the booth seats in the restaurant?! This happened to me recently. I could not believe it. I stared at them speechless as the stench filled the air. Really, where do you even begin with people like that?

At 1:16 AM , Blogger angsty cola said...

reds, that is exactly the technique my parents used in raising my brother and I, and it worked perfectly well. I was only spanked once or twice in my life, and I sure didn't let it happen again. My parents were authority figures, I cared what they thought and did not want to embarrass or disappoint them, besides, I knew misbehaving wouldn't get me the type of attention I wanted. Now I am completely appalled and confused when I see both children and adults act like total savages in a restaurant. Doesn't anyone know how to act civilized in public anymore?

brad #1, I think you are confusing your issues. Many children are perfectly able to speak several languages at a young age with a varied vocabulary. When my mother immigrated to this country at the age of six or seven, she was fluent in two non-English languages and picked up English within a year. She does not speak with an accent and is incredibly well-read, well-mannered person who grew up to be a special education teacher. It's actually very useful for a child to learn a foreign language at a young age, because they will pick it up and absorb it with much more ease than adult can because of the development of their brain. If taught properly, it is very effective. The problem, of course, is that parents are not teaching their children properly, neither in the field of language or behavior. I would venture to guess that these children who end up so poorly mannered and speaking horrid English would be so whether or not they're learning a little Spanish.

At 1:17 PM , Blogger Brad #1 said...

I was just talking about what is more important, not what is effective.

At 7:35 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, can't you make the big fuss, and sue them for placing you at risk of Hepatitis and HIV????

What moron touches another with BLOOD???

At 3:58 PM , Blogger Eric said...

Parenthood will cure you of all manner of squeamishness with regard to what the human body will ooz, excrete or otherwise bubble out. I can see where one can forget that not all people share your views on the matter.
It is no excuse for parents not keeping thier kids in line while in public but I can see how it can happen.

At 9:52 PM , Blogger cheerful misanthrope said...

I totally agre with you! When I worked at a restaurant this table in my section was letting their bratty kids run wild until one of them fell and hit her chin on the floor. As the mom comforted her spawn, I overheard her complaining that she noticed "at least 3 waitresses" watch her daughtwr fall but not one of them came over to help. Um, because we're waitresses, not babysitters, bitch! Mind your own damn kids!
Love your blog, by the way. Long-time reader, first time commenter.

At 12:43 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...


At 9:08 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

"It wasn't acceptable when I was a kid and it sure as shit isn't acceptable now." Yet you do accept, with a forced smile no less, while paying customers vote with their feet. I don't understand what's so difficult about surveying the situation and saying "folks, I'm afraid you'll have to leave now". They have Chuck E Cheese for these type of people.

At 12:32 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

"I'm afraid you'll have to leave now" is just about what the owner or manager will tell the server. It is not the server's place to uninvite their patrons to stay. Ideally, the owner or manager should be made aware of the problem, although neither will probably do anything about it. Working with the public is a thankless job, which is not exclusive to the restaurant industry.

At 3:10 AM , Blogger Rebecca said...

I have a piece of advice for you: never go to Italy. That kind of behavior is par for the course here. As a society, they don't believe in disciplining kids. I once took a five year old to a ballet, and she and her friends started dancing in the rows during the show. I thought it was completely unacceptable and told her to sit down, mainly thinking of the other people in the audience. It turns out, they all thought it was adorable. And every time I'm walking down the street and a pint sized person run right smack into me? I hate Italian children a little more. And they never apologize.

At 2:56 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Rebecca, you are so right about the little ones in has gotten ten times worse in the past few decades, as the birth rate has plummeted there....tons and tons of single kid each and every one is an absolute prince or princess who can do no wrong in their family's eyes!

Amazing how demonstrating manners should not be so difficult, but with spoiled parents come spoiled kids, I guess.

At 7:32 PM , Blogger Waitergripes said...

Years ago, when sizzling fajitas where the big thing, I worked in restaurant that sold hundreds of these each shift. One evening a large table, with several young children running wild were seated, the parents allowing the children free reign of the place. Well, a little girl ran right into a server carrying a large tray full of these sizzling hot, cast iron pans and it fell on the girls head and back, burning her pretty badly, in addition to a three pound skillet smacking her skull. The parents tried to sue the restaurant, in court, after hearing the whole story, the judge threw out the parents claim, and added that he should cite the parents with criminal neglect of a minor for allowing them to run wild in a restaurant. You should have seen the look on the parents faces.


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