The Insane Waiter

Running wild on customers, chefs, owners and managers since 1997. I bring to you, The Insane Waiter. What do bring to your table? A crisp bottle of San Pellegrino ? Perhaps a lovely seared Sashimi Tuna? Start off with a wonderful bottle from Tuscany perhaps? Why I'll be more than happy to bring you your White Zinfandel and Chicken Caesar. No you can't order the mac and cheese off the kids menu and sorry no, we don't serve cheese sticks....

Monday, October 16, 2006

The House Take

"So tonight is a very big night, we really have to impress, these are some very well known names and affluent people around town." The owner, Mike, stated with emphasis.

"As well, this party took much preparation from my wife and I, so the house will be treated as an extra person on the tip out situation." He said.

That statement was met with a look of skepticism from the staff and more than one raised eyebrow.

"Don't worry, this is a huge deal and you will all be taken care of very well." Mike finished.

We, the staff, moved out to finish our preparations and Mike pulled me aside.

"I want you to get some gloves on and pick up cigarette butts and trash outside the front door, the guests will be arriving in limos and I literally want to roll the read carpet out for them, I want the entrance to be spotless." He said.

I gave a forced smile and proceeded to my glorious duty. Time passes, cigarette butts are cleared and Riedels polished.

The guests arrived.

I recognize them immediately, they are what passes for "old money" around here.

Half of them are what passes for assholes around here as well, I know most of them well from the upscale establishment I worked at that proceeded my employment here.

But their money still spends, and well, so the next hours are filled with us moving cases of wine, wonderful coursed dinners and champagne.

Everything went by the book, wordlessly wine was filled, bread delivered, tapas plates, salad, soup and dinner make the rounds.

More and more wine.

Toasts are raised to the "well known" family name, then it happened.

Mid toast I hear a spill and a gurgling sound as an old man knocked over his wine glass.

Lindsay, one of the other staff grabs me.

"I think that man is choking!!!" She said as she pushed me toward the man.

Purposefully I strided forward.

And skidded to a halt.

The old man wasn't choking...

He had hacked all over his plate and his thousand dollar suit.

I took one look at his coffee cup full of vomit and tried to turn, tried to flee.

It was too late, much like the Millennium Falcon in the Death Star's tractor beam, I was being pulled in.

The whole room was quiet, the woman making her toast to how great everyone was froze mid sentence.

All eyes were on me.

I pulled out a couple wine linens and tried to help him clean up.

Then he hacked all over my hands.

That was enough for me, I hightailed it to the kitchen.

"What's going on out there?" Mike asked.

"Some old bastard hacked all over me." I replied.

"Oh fuck." was all he could muster.

I washed my hands over and over, then retreated outside for an outlawed cigarette break.

Walking back into the dining room I noticed the old man sitting there covered in his vomit.
Not a single remember of his family had helped him out.

Not a move to the bathroom, not moving his plate, not getting him clean, nothing.

In fact the toasting had resumed.

"Why don't they help him?" One of the girls asked me.

"These are the rich and snobby, they don't help each other out, its beneath them." I stated.

"They pay people to clean up their messes, I bet they shuffle grandpa there back to the home until its time to break out the old man for another public appearance or a chance to get in his will." I continued.

Finally they cleared grandpa out of the way, leaving a vomit filled bowl and coffee cup. None of the girls looked like they were going to move in so I decided fuck it. I loaded up with linens and dove in.

With a precariously balanced stack of filth covered plates I made my way to the dish station. I set them down and went to toss the dirty linens.

I came back in time to discover Eduardo starting to pick up the plates.

"Careful there brother, those are filled with puke." I warned.

He took one whiff of the foul smelling assemblage and started to hack himself, running out the back door to throw up.

I did the dishes myself, I'm not above that, my first job was washing dishes.

And it can be hard, nasty, wet, smelly and really I do have an appreciation of this unglamorous, yet very necessary position.

So the party went on.

Towards the end one of the hosts, a very well known man around town, came behind the bar where we were cleaning up and started passing out $20 bills around to the ladies as an extra tip (I was the sole male server)

"Everything was wonderful, excellent job."

He got to me, gave a trite smile, turned around and walked away.

"Did you just see that shit?" I said incredulously.

"He just stiffed you on the extra tip!" Lindsay exclaimed.

"I can't believe that, you cleaned up the old man's mess!" Jessica the bartended added.

"I know," I said,"I probably remind him that it happened, and we know perfect people like this never puke, shit or spit."

"It was an embarrassment, and he wants to pretend it never happened, I was part of what happened so I don't exist either." I said.

Mike then made an appearance.

"Great job tonight, Waiter, way to jump in there," he said, "drink up, we have a lot of clean up to do, we'll get you your tip out by Monday."

To be continued...


At 12:48 AM , Blogger Ninja Skitten said...

is this the same establishment that has no ranch?

At 1:38 AM , Blogger caramaena said...


At 3:11 AM , Anonymous The Pensive Penguin said...

I've got some stories, but that is the worst I've ever heard. Kudos on being willing to dive in and do the dirty work, though, someone has to do it, and it usually is the bigger man. And way to be a good sport about it... so far.

At 8:33 AM , Blogger Wide Lawns Subservient Worker said...

OH MY LORD. That is appalling! I am so glad I wasnt there. I have major, serious puke-o-phobia. I would have had to have quit on the spot. And dang - grandpa got so drunk he barfed?? Wow. You could be a doctor with that kind of stomach.

And PS. Thank you so much for the permanent link. I will absolutely reciprocate.

At 10:00 AM , Blogger Mrs. Sara said...

I'm terrified that your continuation of the story is going to include you not getting the promised tip.

Please, please tell me you got taken care of!

At 11:33 AM , Anonymous silliyak said...

Lucky the urping wasn't more contagious. It's not unheard of for it to make the rounds in ambulances. First the patient, and you HAVE to clear thier airway and then get the floor to keep from slipping and sliding anymore than you already are. Then, with a powerful waft to the front the driver, having heard it all, and now getting the scent...
I should have mentioned turning on the vents is a early important step.

At 11:38 AM , Anonymous silliyak said...

Oh, and I should have added that puking make be related to a cardiac event, either a cause of, or the result of. Puking can drop the blood pressure precipitously and of course compromise the airway. Also kudos for jumping in and getting things done.

At 2:23 PM , Blogger Lee said...

Oh please let this have a happy ending... :(

At 3:34 PM , Blogger Mommy de Gallo said...

Holy Effing Shitake!!
I'm plugging for a happy ending too, but knowing the way things go with the R&F, I'm not that hopeful.

At 6:20 PM , Anonymous english major said...

You know, you are always entertaining, but it is truly painful for me to read your blog- the spelling, grammar, and punctuation is horrible. It's literally at the level of a fifth grader. I often read one post and then can't handle it anymore and have to find another page that has minimal English capabilities. Please be more careful!

At 7:27 PM , Blogger Hoodlum said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

At 1:46 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oooh, I'd be fightin' mad!

I have two relevant stories to share:

In high school I delivered pizzas. Upon delivering a couple pies to an especially nice doublewide, I heard a guy say, "I'd never tip no man!" Quickly I responded, "you damn well better, I'm only making three bucks an hour here!" He changed his mind, apologized, and gave me a couple bucks.

I once worked at this restaurant where we had this mean old lady as a regular. She would come in, order a rotisserie chicken and an orange juice, eat it, and proceed to vomit all over her table and plate. She would leave a dollar tip and exit. It happened four times over a period of three months.

Hell is other people, I guess.

At 4:34 PM , Blogger John said...

Dear English Major,

No, they're not. Whatever problem you have with Waiter's spelling, grammar and punctuation is purely a figment of your fevered imagination, and inability to see out of your asshole.

Please, remove your head before reading.

Someone who actually knows the english language.

At 4:01 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

If you think he spells like a fith grader you ought to see him in action on the playground .

At 11:20 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Anonymous with the two stories:

I'm now suspecting there may be some kind of vomit fetish acted out by some patrons. I remember a time in a movie theater where a guy order a large soda, popcorn and some other crap. Instead of going into the theater, the guy sat in the lobby and consumed the goods, after which, he proceeded to puke into the standing ashtray. He then walked over the concession stand and asked, "How much are Dots?"

Are there people who get off on vomiting in public places? Why do I ask? The answer is probably yes.

John: The grammar and syntax of the posts can be painful to the sensitive reader; I suppose the view from your rectum obscures the stylistic unpleasantries. And for those of you who love to flame someone who observes Insane's unfortunate writing style: whatev. Insane has expressed no interest in being a writer so why are you all so quick to defend his writing? He may be a good guy, but he shows no interest in actually developing this skill. The blog is for venting only.

At 4:04 PM , Blogger Lauren said...

"the spelling, grammar, and punctuation is horrible."

Perhaps you'd better check the grammar of your own sentences before you off on others. Tsk, tsk... such a fifth grade mistake!

At 6:35 PM , Anonymous restaurant gal said...

Tip out to the owner??

Who cares about the vomit (except that you had to deal with it--ugh) and who cares about grammar complaints?


Best, The Gal

At 9:11 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Has anyone ever read the blog and noticed that some of The Insane Waiter's posts are identical? Either they have the same customers or someone's stealing someone else's writing. Oh, and the one's taken from the waiterrant site are usually the ones with better grammar and spelling.

At 12:44 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

anon: I think you're dreaming. I've never noticed any similarity.

Can you cite one of each?

At 12:49 PM , Anonymous Nate said...

You're clearly the insane one here ... I've never seen any evidence of borrowing from on this site, and I've been reading both on and off for a couple years now. If there are similar stories of troublesome or disgusting customers, it's because similar things happen in restaurants all over the world. Besides, given his level of notoreity, a waiter blog would have to be batshit crazy and dumb as dirt to lift entries from his site.

At 11:51 PM , Anonymous The Pensive Penguin said...

I agree, Nate. I've been reading and commenting on both for a while now, and have never noticed any similarity beyond the fact that yes, the stories do ring true to universally common restaurant situations that I, as a waiter myself, can associate with. They each have their own distinct writing styles and grammatical quirks (yes, quirks, not mistakes; the english language is a living breathing vagueity in which the rules were made to be broken--William Shakespeare is a notable example of loose grammatical interpretation if you would like an example)

Plus I think if he were trying to steal stories from someone he might not have a link to that site on his page.

It's not really my place to say this, but please refrain from any future douchebaggery.

At 12:11 AM , Blogger Brad #1 said...

You anons are stupid as shit!!

At 9:43 AM , Anonymous Dave said...

A-N-T-I-C-I-P-A-T-I-O-N.....It's keeping me waiting.... :-)

At 11:49 AM , Blogger The Home Cook said...

Well....what happened? It's been more than a week and we're dying to know the outcome!

At 2:27 PM , Blogger Ninja Skitten said...

i agree with home cook... you're leaving us desperate!!!

At 11:51 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...


At 12:05 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have been checking back every couple days to see what happened. If no update by this evening I will delete this bookmark.

At 12:31 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

you hate us don't you? that's why you are leaving us hanging...
did someone die or something?
you're driving us insane
we've tried to have patience but it has almost been 2 weeks!


Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home