The Insane Waiter

Running wild on customers, chefs, owners and managers since 1997. I bring to you, The Insane Waiter. What do bring to your table? A crisp bottle of San Pellegrino ? Perhaps a lovely seared Sashimi Tuna? Start off with a wonderful bottle from Tuscany perhaps? Why I'll be more than happy to bring you your White Zinfandel and Chicken Caesar. No you can't order the mac and cheese off the kids menu and sorry no, we don't serve cheese sticks....

Saturday, August 12, 2006


The first wave of a killer lunch has hit the host desk, and while I would normally run away and hide, an evil grin spreads acrossed my face as I see the next table in line.

They are four of the oldest people I've ever seen, and they look more than crabby.

"Folks, four this afternoon?" I asked.

"Well what's it look like to you?" One of the ladies snapped in a very un-grandmotherly way.

I smile and nod.

I've got the perfect table for them, and the perfect server that deserves them.

"Lil bastard" screwed up my Silver Strike run last night, resulting in a round of Jaeger-bombs that out of my pocket.

As I walked towards his section I see my little buddy, his eyes meet mine and he shakes his head in a panic.

He starts mouthing "no, no."

Once again, I smile and nod.

He throws his hands in the air in a "why God, why?!?" gesture.

Damn, it feels good to be a gangster.

I run up and slap him on the ass, "Good game brother!"

"Payback's a bitch, isn't it?" I said.

He gives me the fuck off look, which I probably deserve.

Of course, a seven top of seniors about five years older than the evil grannies were being seated in my section during this, unbeknownst to me. No grat either, shit.

My friend came up to me and said, "Karma's a...."

"Bitch," I finished.

I'll show him karma.

I grabbed a bottle of serache pepper sauce and went looking for his water glass. I pulled out his straw and cinched it in the middle, filling the bottom half with pepper. One of the waitresses walked by as I accomplished my task.

"Say anything and you're next!" I threatened.

I then went around and told all my buddies about the prank.

"That's just wrong," one of them exclaimed.

"That's why I did it." I said with a nasty smirk.

The next wave of the rush hit and dammit, I actually had work to do. After getting seven orders of soup and salad for my geriatrics, I had another four tables go down. The A/C can't keep up with all the bodies packed in the room and the sweat is starting to run down my face and back.

Thank God for the "Gold Bond Powder"

I think I need an endorsement deal.

My friend Derek bursts into the kitchen, beet red, he looks like he just dunked his head in a tub of water.

"Bastards put me on the patio," he cried.

"Its a hundred fucking degrees out, we close out there when its too cold, why can't we when its too hot." I said.

"Because our manager won't say no to someone, they should know I sweat to damn much to be out there in this heat anyways." He said.

I nodded in agreement as I took a swig out of my iced-t.

Immediately I started spitting and cursing all over the kitchen.

As I wretched into the trash can, "lil bastard" walks in and just loses it.

He's laughing so hard he's crying, so are the rest of the servers in the room.

"How do you like a little bit of vinegar and A-1 there pal?" He managed through his laughing fit.

"Who fucking narced me off?" I yelled with rage, vinegar burning in my sinuses.

"Lindsay did, she thought what you did was too mean." Bastard said.

The room cleared out, and I spied Lindsay's cup.

I grabbed the salt and poured an entire shaker into it.

That'll teach her, but on to "lil bastard"

Escalation, is the key word here...

To be continued...


At 9:14 PM , Blogger Brad #1 said...

Sometimes, it's little things like that that keep the time passing faster. Thanks for the memories. I haven't worked in a place where I could do stuff like that in a long time.

Payback's a bitch.

At 10:23 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Derek is my hero
he sweats more than the water cooler on a hot day.

At 1:06 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

what an ass

At 3:58 PM , Blogger briliantdonkey said...

Great story and post. Sometimes it seems like those little pranks are all that keep us from losing our minds in the weeded times.


At 6:21 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

My all time favorite "messing with a drink" was when we replaced a cooks coffee urn full of mt. dew with pickle juice.

At 7:34 PM , Blogger Randi said...

sweet kitchen wars.. oh the joys you will have. mwahaha

At 12:48 AM , Blogger Ceetar said...

haha. Works just not worth it with out a couple of practical jokes.

At 8:55 AM , Blogger Wide Lawns Subservient Worker said...

Oh how weird, I just wrote something like this too. I guess this is more common in restaurants than I thought. Hey, I like A1 and vinegar though, maybe not mixed and maybe not when Im expecting a nice iced tea. Im anxious to see how this will escalate.

At 10:43 AM , Blogger jali said...

Sounds like fun...(grabbing a lawn chair to stretch ut and wait for part 2)

At 10:46 PM , Blogger Chance said...

This is why we can't have peace in the Middle East.

At 8:12 AM , Blogger Ranter said...

haaha! You should do that to the customers! And if the oldies cry out in suspicion, blame it on a reaction with their medication!! oOooh, I surprise myself with my evil sometimes!

At 1:22 AM , Anonymous Evangeline said...

Dude I fucking love it.
You're more evil than The Waiter. :D


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