The Insane Waiter

Running wild on customers, chefs, owners and managers since 1997. I bring to you, The Insane Waiter. What do bring to your table? A crisp bottle of San Pellegrino ? Perhaps a lovely seared Sashimi Tuna? Start off with a wonderful bottle from Tuscany perhaps? Why I'll be more than happy to bring you your White Zinfandel and Chicken Caesar. No you can't order the mac and cheese off the kids menu and sorry no, we don't serve cheese sticks....

Monday, July 17, 2006

Quick Shot

So I had this smarmy jackass messing with me the whole meal.

You know, the type that asks if the beef is Argentinean and that makes smart ass remarks about most everything from ticket times to service.

So upon delivering his coffee he stated...

"This coffee tastes like an ashtray."

I retorted...

"That's because I put my cigarette out in it."

He was not amused.

His friends were.

And tipped heavy.

Plus I received an apology from his wife.

39 Comments:

At 10:03 PM , Blogger KristieD said...

awesome. i love when that happens. Most times you just end up biting your tongue, or if you dont, you pay for it with less tip. But in the perfect situation, the jerk's company is well aware he is a jerk and pays you well to compensate.

 
At 6:47 AM , Blogger Ray said...

Ah, if we could ALWAYS say exactly what we wanted to... Your sanity would be intact, but your income would not be.

Great blog.

 
At 8:45 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'd never really thought of it before but I've been inspired by you to start a personal crusade of harrassing waiters. "I don't like the shape of the ice cubes, don't you have the kind with holes in them?" This is going to be fun.

 
At 1:59 PM , Blogger Brad #1 said...

"I'd never really thought of it before but I've been inspired by you to start a personal crusade of harrassing waiters. "I don't like the shape of the ice cubes, don't you have the kind with holes in them?" This is going to be fun."

And you are going to get a lot of shit spilled in you lap.

 
At 3:05 PM , Blogger briliantdonkey said...

quick thinking, and very nice work!

"""And you are going to get a lot of shit spilled in you lap. ""

"accidentally of course"....

all three times.....

BD

 
At 8:59 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

""And you are going to get a lot of shit spilled in you lap. ""

and a lot of comped meals too.

Hope he brings ALL of his relatives.

 
At 7:58 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I guess your smarter smarmy diners know that the adjective form of "Argentina" is "Argentine", not "Argentinean".

https://www.cia.gov/cia/publications/factbook/geos/ar.html

 
At 1:44 PM , Blogger Brad #1 said...

""And you are going to get a lot of shit spilled in you lap. ""

and a lot of comped meals too.

Hope he brings ALL of his relatives. "

Nope, if its an "accident", I ain't comping shit!!

You act like that in a restaurant, you get what you deserve, and a long, hungry ride home with food and wine splattered all over you. Hope you didn't just take a shower before you left. Wait, with that lack of class, you probably didn't.

 
At 5:31 PM , Blogger briliantdonkey said...

Oddly enough someone DID drop food on a customer today. It doesnt happen often but i had to run away so i wouldnt laugh. NOT that i think it was funny, cause it wasnt, just that my first thought wasnt the normal 'oh shit' but instead 'ahhhhh anonymous has joined us for lunch today.' Maybe that could be our next commercial......

come to restaurant X,,,,where we welcome jackasses of all kinds....sometimes the food is on us,,,,but sometimes it is also on you.

BD

 
At 10:24 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I sue for "accidents" that aren't properly made up for. Won more than a couple, too.

And any waiter that deliberately creates 'accidents' has no more class than the customer.

 
At 2:16 PM , Blogger Brad #1 said...

Well then, we would be even. And your threatening to sue for an accident like that wouldn't hold up in court, much less make it worth it to take it to court. I call BS.

That's great, another member of our sue-everyone society.

 
At 4:34 PM , Blogger Brad said...

I'm suing you for using my name and acting an ass.

 
At 6:51 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

hey, what is with brad? now he's threatening to sue bloggers?

it seldom works to go back at an asshole customer, but when it does, it's sweet.

when i worked as a server/bartender i tended to do far worse things - split on meat, ply assholes with real coffee instead of sanka (it was that long ago) - and yes, as a grownup i now realize some people are allergic to but trust me, these yuppie wantobees weren't, they were just loving themselves for being on a cutting trend. real people who wanted sanka got sanka.

if brad wanted coffee, i'd serve him sanka in a heartbeat.

 
At 7:25 PM , Blogger Brad #1 said...

There seems to be 2 of us now.

And Brad #2, I was here first, jackass. And I'm not the one acting like an ass, just treating one the way one should be treated.

 
At 8:54 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

brad #1,

i apologize, i thought you were the same person. the comments didn't make any coherent sense. sorry, mate

 
At 10:12 PM , Blogger Brad #1 said...

Tis allright, mate. Now, hopefully, the name's going to be changed.

 
At 8:47 AM , Blogger Little Miss Anthropic said...

Good for you!!! Sometimes it pays off to just shoot it back. I once had a customer who ordered a beer. We were under-staffed that day. It was crazy busy. For whatever reason, I forgot to bring this man his beer. He yelled, extremely, loudly, across the restaurant, "Hey Missy, you forgot to bring me my beer!!" I shot back, "I didn't forget. I just wanted you to beg."

 
At 9:15 AM , Anonymous not another brad said...

Brad, it's not BS and it most certainly would hold up in court... Small Claims Court.

Under a certain dollar amount (varies by state) it's spiller and spillee before a judge. When spillee holds up a suit with stains made by spiller, judgement against spiller occurs. Not a million bucks, no pain-and-suffering, but dry-cleaning or replacement costs.

 
At 2:38 AM , Blogger briliantdonkey said...

If the restaurant is any place remotely reputable,they will gladly pay for the dry cleaning bill within reason. If the spilleee isn't someone that is just flat out lawsuit happy and dreaming of dollar signs, that should be enough. It should rarely if ever come to the point of a court case. Granted, that is a lot of "IFs".

BD

 
At 12:45 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Schwhat

not another brad said...

Brad, it's not BS and it most certainly would hold up in court... Small Claims Court.


Yes, it would, but you have to waste the time and day for it... unless this is a person who doesn't mind wasting most of the day if not the whole day at small claims. Go ahead. That is why most people DO NOT contest a traffic/parking ticket. You might save $75-100, but you lose the whole working day (unless you're night/gy shift somewhere or unemployed).

If I was either unemployed (chances of me going to any restaurant with waiters is slim). Night/gy shift means I would rather sleep then lose sleep. I guess if you were a biatchy house wife/husband.

 
At 12:49 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Schwhat

I forgot to add the point... dry cleaning bill $20-30 tops. Let's say small claims court awards you that much... one work day $100+ ... you do the math. If the person doesn't work... is it worth wasting your life at a small claims court? Most people would say no... I am think $500+ would you ever see people in there.

 
At 4:20 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lots of folks (retirees for instance) might think a day in small claims court would be a dandy way to kill a day. Sue for replacement cost and get a brand new suit for an old one.

Go back to the home and show off yer new duds. Be a big hit with the grannies. Maybe even get some.

 
At 5:59 PM , Blogger Brad #1 said...

Thank you, schwat. Go ahead, granny-fucker, waste your day, I've got plenty of time. Ohhhh, paying for dry cleaning? Oh my God!! What ever will I do? I can't, in no way imaginable, be able to afford that!!

Shit, it would be worth it to pay for your tastless dry cleaning, I might even offer to pay for your housekeeper as well.

 
At 8:42 AM , Blogger Brad said...

You are an embarrassment to Brads everywhere.

 
At 2:39 PM , Blogger Brad #1 said...

Thank you very much. Really, thank you, I'm glad to see that your life will be ruined as well. See you on the bus to hell, I'll be the one driving.

 
At 2:44 PM , Blogger Brad #1 said...

Actually, you know what? With your comment/question over on Lobster Boy's blog about what AYCE crab legs are, you look more like the embarrassing one.

Did you grow up in a barn or something?

 
At 5:35 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

brad #1

Attitudes like yours are why customers leave diapers in booths and turd piles on the bathroom floors. They really do know better, but you deserve it, ask for it, so they comply.

 
At 5:57 PM , Blogger Brad #1 said...

Whatever, ya'll can suck it. I've never had this attitude on here until you "deserving" customers had some smart-ass comment about our job, without ever knowing anything about what it is that we have to put up with on a regular basis.

Learn how to act like civilized people, and I will treat you like civilized people. Until then, I'll act this way.

 
At 7:17 AM , Blogger mmmmmm Donuts said...

Nice fight. Ding, ding. Now back to your corners. I think everyone in this comment log needs to kiss and make-up now...

In my opinion, Karma takes care of everything. Whether payback occurs right away, with a waiter spilling something on an asshole, or some time later when they suffer some other misfortune. But the same goes for the waiter who does such malicious things. What goes around, comes around.

As far as the court thing, I wouldn't waste more than a few minutes even CARING, much less spend a day or more organizing and attending a small claims case!! Get over it. Shit happens.

 
At 1:06 PM , Blogger Brad #1 said...

My point exactly.

 
At 5:29 PM , Anonymous mmmmmm dampness said...

Brad#1, you're such an internet tough guy, you make me moist in my special places.

 
At 10:15 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've just discovered your blog and I love it! I really enjoy reading server blogs, because I think that it'll help me become a better customer/tipper. It really helps to see your point of view on large groups, tipping, etc., because if I know how most servers feel, I want to try and make it easier on them and tip accordingly. I do have a question, if you have the time, however...

I know that waiters hate change for tips, but I was in a situation one time where about 3/4 of the tip was in dollar bills, but my three other friends and I were pretty much cleaned out because we were at the end of a school trip. We wanted to tip at least 20%, but all we had left was quarters and dimes. We went ahead and pooled all of our remaining change for the tip. It came out to about 23%. Would you have rather had a lesser tip in all bills, or a full tip with change?

This is more of a story, but it really renews my faith in people. I recently had a birthday, and I went out with four friends to a local restaurant. Of course they made a deal out of it being my birthday so I got a free dessert which was nice. Our waitress was really great, seeing as one person came a little late and had to order after the rest of us. She provided us with great service through the meal, and we were (I hope) good teenage customers. We weren't going to split the check because we know that it can be tough, but she went ahead and did it anyway, and that was totally awesome. We tipped her a good 30%-35%, which she fully deserved. Everyone involved was happy, because we were polite and not demanding and she was friendly and helpful.

Btw, great one shot! People can be assholes, as you have shown me. I can't believe some of the things people actually do! And sorry for such a long comment. :)

 
At 12:25 PM , Blogger Brad #1 said...

Thanks dampness, I'll be sure to give you a free appetizer the next time you're in.














And spill it on you.

 
At 5:27 PM , Anonymous jess said...

I have an off-topic question. I'm in the business as well, so don't think this comes from some ignorant dumb-ass, but why stay in it? I mean, we all get burned out, you can look at a group coming in and know what you're in for, or talk to them on the phone and know they'll an hour late for their reso of 15 people. But you seem a little bitter. I think we all do by Sunday night.
So, what keeps you in it? I'm just curious. Sadly, I love it, I know I'm a freak and ask for the punishment daily, but I feel more alive in the restaurant than anywhere else.

 
At 5:56 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Options are limited for people with no education or marketable skills.

 
At 6:59 PM , Blogger Brad #1 said...

That's funny, because other than working as a general manager at a restaurant, I'm about to enter a form of sales, something that I have no experience in.

If you just use your brain, you can basically do anything that you want to do. Education doesn't have everything to do with successfully doing a job.

 
At 8:55 PM , Anonymous mmmmmm dampness said...

Brad#1, is that a promise?

I'm all aquivver at the thought of you spilling an appetizer on me.

Could you... would you... consider spilling something a little more......... personal on me, should we ever, perchance, happen to meet (meat)?

Throbbingly yours,
dampness

 
At 9:12 PM , Blogger Brad #1 said...

You got it.

 
At 9:19 PM , Blogger Woozie said...

I work in an office setting much like the sitcom "the office". I like to take my bosses staples out of his stapler....and his tape off his dispenser....he doesn't who is taking them yet...but he is such a dopey dufus...that I enjoy him going around telling everyone....someone took my tape!

Comming to you from Texas
SussieQ

 

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