The Insane Waiter

Running wild on customers, chefs, owners and managers since 1997. I bring to you, The Insane Waiter. What do bring to your table? A crisp bottle of San Pellegrino ? Perhaps a lovely seared Sashimi Tuna? Start off with a wonderful bottle from Tuscany perhaps? Why I'll be more than happy to bring you your White Zinfandel and Chicken Caesar. No you can't order the mac and cheese off the kids menu and sorry no, we don't serve cheese sticks....

Monday, June 19, 2006

Polite Requests

"We all want Diet Cokes," the lady said while pointing to the other guests.

Great, someone that thinks they're the spokesperson for the table.

I hate Alpha's.

"Except that I want two, TWO, lemons in mine," the lady continued, "my husband wants one lemon AND one lime."

"Also my friend will have two lemons as well with her diet and a lime with her water and her husband wants no lemon in his Diet, but one on his water instead." She blathered.

I smile and nod and find my way to the kitchen.

One of the waiters, Chad, stops me.

"I see you have the Johnsons." He said.

"They're friends with the owner, and they tip like shit." He snickered.

Great start to the day I thought to myself as I grabbed a handful of lemons and limes and threw them into a bowl.

If they want to order their fucking Diets eight different ways they can sort it out themselves.

Upon dropping their fruit basket on the table I received a familiar request.

"Where's our bread at?" The Alpha barked.

"A piece will come with your dinner, now if you'll excuse me..." I moved on to my next table.

"Folks would you care for something to..." I started.

"We've been ready to order." The lady to my right interrupted.

Great, another Alpha, I just know that thirty second wait for me to come over and be at her beck and call was almost to much for her to bear.

"I want the Cobb salad and you WILL give me extra bacon and you WILL give me extra tomatoes and you WILL give me extra bread with it." She rattled off snidely.

Her snippy blond friend came next.

"I want the same thing, except..."

Now comes the good part.

"Except I don't want blue cheese dressing, but you WILL give me Parmesan, on the side, and I want no bacon and no tomato." She said.

So you want the exact same thing, except everything changed even more.

I finish their orders and begin to walk off.

"Excuse me! Excuse me!" Alpha #2 shouts.

"Yes miss?" I respond.

"We also want three Diet Cokes, with lime." She said.

"Of course," I said...

Of course...

The rest of the day went similarly, there must have been some sort of assertiveness convention in town.

"The Seven Habits of Highly Pretentious People"



At 2:24 PM , Blogger First Year said...

LOL :) Thanks Insane Waiter :) I really needed that laugh sitting in corporate hell today!

At 5:41 PM , Blogger staticwarp said...

well, you cant spell assertive without the ASS. the nerve of some people!

At 6:07 PM , Blogger Brad #1 said...

Hmmmm, I'd like to kill the person who came up with the lemon/lime thing in Coke/Pepsi.

Those self-absorbed people can suck my ass!!

At 6:57 PM , Blogger Jen said...

Sounds like my day...
Actually my whole week..There's a huge religious convention in town all week and well, let's just say the majority of them are rude and don't tip worth a shit!

At 11:08 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

You mean I've been doing it wrong this entire time that I've been ordering straight off the menu? I want lemons and limes too.

At 11:32 PM , Blogger caramaena said...

Are you telling me I'm teaching my son to say 'May I?' 'Please' and 'Thank you' for no reason???


At 11:19 AM , Blogger irv said...

I'm dying laughing right now. Aren't you glad to know your misery can bring others such joy?

I'm glad I serve at a place that has exactly one thing on the menu.

I couldn't do real service anymore. You'd be reading about me in the papers....

"I hate Alpha's." LOL ...and I thought I was the only one...

At 9:05 AM , Blogger Abby Scott said...

I like this blog, but I'd please like the next posts in ten point helvetica with the background not white but lilac, no capital letters and instead of waitering, you will write it on the subject of Battlestar Gallactica. Thankyouverymuch.

At 6:18 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nephew Dude:

"So you want the exact same thing, except everything changed even more."

How droll!


Uncle R.

At 2:44 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

People who eat out often:

Cannot cook

Will not cook

Are too lazy to cook


At 10:42 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Secret,

A bit off topic, but curious if you've ever experienced the following scenerio...

While presenting the desert tray to a table, you realize one of the items is missing. You assume that the kitchen has run out of the item and someone was actually on the ball enough to remove it from the desert tray. Two minutes later you bring entrees to a different table in your section, when low and behold, guess what's sitting on a B&B plate on their table??? The missing desert!

This happened to me this evening. I'm not kidding. What kind of sick, ignorant jackass would do that? After questioning the kitchen staff, we determined that the desert tray was probably made yesterday...but more likely the day before. While pre-busing the table I notice that only crumbs remain on the plate that once held the desert. It was cheesecake! Yum, yum.

The Blonde Girl Up The Street

At 5:47 AM , Blogger Tom Dougherty said...

My Mother waited tables my whole life- worked to make things better for all of us when we were kids, developed a taste for it, and stayed with it until 2 years ago.

My brother and I also worked in restaurants, doing a little of everything, and that included waiting tables. It's been years, but the memories are indelible.

So, when I go out, I have a few rules I try to abide by when dealing with Waiters and Waitresses, no matter where I encounter them. One: If you have enough money for pie and coffee, but not a tip- then you don't have enough money for pie and coffee.

Another one: A waiter or a waitress is another person- working hard at their job while you sit and wait for food and drink. Treat them with respect. They don't need your grief. Be polite, friendly, and make it brief and to the point.

There's an old saying that I think of when I see someone mistreat a server in a restaurant: "If someone is nice to you but nasty to the waiter then they are genuinely not a good person". Nothing is more true than that.

At 9:56 AM , Blogger Maja said...


At 4:32 PM , Anonymous Mary Lennox said...

I just can't believe people act like that, it boggles my mind. Whatever happened to manners? You'd think they would be bred better, but I suppose that's asking for too much.


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