Love, Lost

Sometimes you lose in life...

It seems sometimes like I lose often.

And usually its me who throws the game.

I'm almost used to it, I expect it, I know I'll do it.

And I almost hate myself for it.

What is it about me that wants to push people away?

Why must I look for faults in others when my own are so glaring?

And why must I realize them, my faults, my issues, only when it is too late?

I've lost something this week that was so special to me, and I never let her know why.

Maybe it was her silly laugh, her beautiful big round eyes, her arms around me when life seemed darkest...

Maybe it was they way she made me feel.

But that isn't love, the way one makes you feel, maybe someday I'll finally figure that out in time.

It's how you make them feel, what you give, not what you take, what you expect.

I didn't give enough, I didn't understand her and I was afraid.

Of permanence?

Of compromise?

Of sacrifice?

Yes, yes and yes.

A long ago girl once told a friend of mine, "Why can't he believe that some one can care about him?"

I wish I knew that answer.

I wish I believed someone did...

I wrote that a month ago, after a difficult break of a special relationship. It's hard to let go sometimes and easier to have a heart turn cold. But there she remains, like a glimmer on the waves, land just in sight, but only just.

Someday she'll fade like the others and I don't know if that should make me happy or sad.

I wish for the coldness sometimes.

I'm relieved when it doesn't come...