The Insane Waiter

Running wild on customers, chefs, owners and managers since 1997. I bring to you, The Insane Waiter. What do bring to your table? A crisp bottle of San Pellegrino ? Perhaps a lovely seared Sashimi Tuna? Start off with a wonderful bottle from Tuscany perhaps? Why I'll be more than happy to bring you your White Zinfandel and Chicken Caesar. No you can't order the mac and cheese off the kids menu and sorry no, we don't serve cheese sticks....

Saturday, May 13, 2006

Mother's Day

So tomorrow is Mother's Day!

In addition to thanking my own Mother for all she's done for me I would like to thank the following...

The table of eight that refused to pay the gratuity three years ago, after all why would one want to tip on "their special day."

I'd also like to thank my chickenshit manager for letting them stiff me on their $140.00 bill.

Thank you to my former corporate restaurant that I worked at five years ago for overstaffing the restaurant and giving me a three table bar/smoking section that I made a full $45 on for the day.

I'd also like to thank the rube/white trash crowd for allowing their children torture the staff.

This includes the following:

Throwing of cheerio's, goldfish, saltine crumbs and anything else that destroys my section.

Dumping the contents of the parmesan caddy on the table.

Vomiting.

Spitting.

Screaming.

Tripping us.

And playing hide and seek under the other partons' tables.

Thank you to the 324 people that have yelled at me in the week leading up to "their special day" for not having space for their reservation.

Thank you for making ninety seven trips to the breakfast buffet and not tipping, even though I have to set up the buffet, help restock it, fill your drinks, order your omelets, tally your bill and of course, clear the landfill of plates that inhabit your table.

After all, you did get your food yourself, why tip me when you did all that hard work such as putting 14 oz. of gravy on your potatoes so thanks for stiffing me on your bill. I know that waddle through the line was the equivalent of a trip through Mogadishu, but get over it.

I'd also like to thank the groups that complain to the management about how horrible everything was, just so they can get a free dinner voucher or gift certificate to give as a present to their mother.

As well I greatly appreciate every table that camps out as we have scheduled seatings and a limited amount of time to get all of our reservations in.

Thank you also, all you walk-in tables that demand seating immediately, you will never get it as long as I walk the Earth.

God know I also love the fact that you think you deserve free kids buffets/meals, free meals for your mother and free desert as well.

After all it is "our special day", why would a business actually expect payment for goods and services...

And last of all I would like to thank God, who for some enlightened reason allows me to not work this Mother's Day.

The first time in six years.

Remember that your server also is a Mother, Daughter or Son and they can't be with their Mother, so be easy on them.

24 Comments:

At 12:25 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

And thank YOU for NEVER EVER being my waiter!

 
At 3:49 AM , Blogger Secret said...

Actually I am your waiter, each and every time you go out, 9/10 agree with me, we just lie and bullshit you to your face.

 
At 7:48 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Amen!
I thank God every day I don't have to wait on idiots like that joker any more. This will be my first Mother's Day not waiting tables in five years. I worked on three broken toes last year. Not pleasant at all.
I'll be done at work by 3 and at my grandmother's home by 4.
Good luck secret. I'll be rooting for you at least. I truly help all goes well today.
Jessica Renee

 
At 9:31 AM , Blogger KristieD said...

Right on!!! Mother's day is the worst day ever ever ever. People who have never worked as a server (such as mr. anonymous there) totally dont understand that most of society is filled with Jackasses. I mean, really- who would take their mother out to eat on one of the busiest days of the year? Why not stay home & cook for her? B/c you probably waited until the last minute...anyway. I still am not sure if i will have to work today - i am on call. I sure hope not. It is the worst day. ever.

 
At 10:00 AM , Anonymous Pat P. said...

I'm a mom who doesn't go out to eat on mother's day. Why? - because of the total over-the-top mob scene in restaurants.

We're having hamburgers, mack & cheese etc. at my daughter's house. So, in a way, I guess I'm going out!!

Our daughter worked for a chain restaurant during her college years. We have heard all the customer horror stories.

Glad you have the day off.

 
At 2:02 PM , Blogger Big Tasty said...

He's right, it's true...

But, hell, if people wouldn't do this shit we wouldn't complain.

I'm not working today either.

I should call mom.

 
At 5:11 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Would everyone freak out if I said that I am a server in Ireland and that american patrons are the most ignorant people I've ever served? I know America is a great country and has some fantastic people but I've yet to get a tip from one as they beleive that it's considered 'rude' to tip in Europe. Where that came from I do not know but they come here looking as hick as can be and stand out like sore thumbs with their clashing clothes and yell and scream, are like chimpanzees in the zoo when it comes to using cutlery, place their bread plate right where we want to put down their main course and look at us blankly when we arrive and try to put down their plate, atttempt to hand us plates or water pitchers when we have an armful of crockery, grab us by the arm painfully and try to drag us to their table, thrust pitchers in our stomachs as we walk past and in general behave like animals. Everything in the few waiter blogs I've read confirms to me that they also behave like that at home and that makes me feel sad. I'd have liked to think that people have some respect for their own seemingly not. It's heartening to learn that the american tourist do not represent america as a whole and that you guys also abhor this behaviour. And I'm not just saying Americans are bad patrons but they do stand out more than others.

 
At 5:46 PM , Anonymous Lee said...

Years ago, I was also a server. Was paid almost nothing (I think it was $1 an hour) and tips were small to non-existent (talk about cheap! the Billy Graham crusade came to town, and not a single one of those "Christians" tipped a nickel - no blogging sites to complain about it, either). It occurs to me that people who were servers in those days, who made nothing, and who had to put up with at least as much crap as you do now (sexual harassment wasn't illegal), might wonder why you should work less than they did or earn more. I'm not saying they're right. I seldom tip less than 20% myself (service has to really suck). I'm saying, you might want to look where they're coming from before you judge them so harshly.

Happy Mother's Day to all.

 
At 5:53 PM , Anonymous Eustacia Vye said...

I didn't have to work either... Thank Christ. Last year I had the worst tables ever. Urgh.

 
At 10:02 PM , Anonymous thegirl said...

First time in 10 years I've had a Mother's Day off.

I slept in until 2pm, and then enjoyed playing with my kids.

They made chef's salads for dinner...not bad for 4 and 9.

And a huge "fuck off" to anyone who feels entitled to be an arsehole just because it's Mother's Day. You have no right to be jerks and screw the servers over. STAY HOME if that's how you are!

 
At 11:07 PM , Blogger mmmmmm Donuts said...

I have to say that I have not experienced anything bad going out on Mother's Day. I used to work at a hotel restaurant and whenever Mother's day Brunch came around, all the American Servers and workers would cringe...I was a hostess at that time. Never saw an issue. Some customers were annoying though, but I think in LIFE, you obsverve what you want. It's about selective observations...if you are convinced it's bad then you will never be able to let the good things come in to take over and help build your overall impression. You may think that the bad things rule all. It's not the way I would live my life...that's just no fun. Overall, though, I will say that all my Mother's Day experiences in Canada have been better than in the U.S. It's always open, jovial, and no matter what happens, whether the "error" is on the restaurant's side or the customer's side, everything is just taken in stride. Why do people get all worked up about such meaningless things such as having to wait for a table or slow service or whatever?? WHO CARES??? Are we not just all human beings? Aren't there much worse things to worry about in LIFE????? Everyone just needs to get their priorities straight.

 
At 1:44 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was tipped in postage- not kidding, see below...

I had a mother and daughter table tonight. They called to order their appetizer over the phone because they were in a hurry- they were an hour late for their reservation too. Upon being sat, they demanded everything at once- including their check. When I explained that they could not get their check until they ordered entree and desert (both of which they said they planned to order), they became irritable. Highly demanding, the mother was drinking ice tea, water, coffee, diet coke, and our cheapest red wine simultaneously, as she demanded the check prior to ordering her entree. When the check came, she apologized as she counted out the pennies- apparently she had not brought enough money to cover the tab and tip me. She suggested that I ask the manager to take something off the check so she could leave me a tip. I politely smiled and said, "it's ok- this happens all the time". She expressed her guilt and offered me coupons to stores and stamps as a tip. Although I tried to reassure her, she said that my acceptance of her postage would be the only way to assauge her guilt. I am glad that the 8 39 cent stamps on a bill of almost $100 made her feel better.

 
At 2:38 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

You managed to get the day off? Oh, to be so lucky. The 12% tip was standard rate tonight, my friend.

Sincerely,
The Blonde Girl Up The Street

 
At 9:48 AM , Anonymous krissi said...

I was seating a family yesterday who was gushing about how all her kids came home to celebrate ( i was thinking that was sweet) Then she geta a scowl on her face and said "dont you have a mother?"
um...no, i was some experiment gone crazy, i have no mother. I truly believe they look at us like we looked at teachers when we were younger (like they lived at school and had no other life).

 
At 11:21 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

You've got some serious issues.

 
At 1:36 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

holy crap that sucks. people, let us not suck so badly in the future. hail all servers and their stiff upper lips. bravo.

 
At 3:22 PM , Blogger dixiedarling said...

We had a big lunch yesterday - I took care of the bill myself (will be split between three of us - but didn't want my server to have to deal with that)and added an extra $15.00 to the already added tip for a big group. He was very happy and I hope we made his day a little better. I always take care of my servers, even when they appear to be having a bad day. The job is not an easy one and they deserve props for all their hard work. I hope you enjoyed the day off!!

 
At 2:29 AM , Blogger Lobster Boy said...

Our store did over 1300 people on MD. It was aweful. I hate MD. Nothing like every dirt bag and low life who has neglected their mother for the past 364 days trying to make up for it in two hours in one of my booths.

Lobster Boy
Red Lobster hates its employees blog

 
At 11:14 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

good for you, not to have to work on mother's day!

loved the post.

and people really suck sometimes, by the way. i heard you on the complaining to managemant part and wanting stuff for free. unfortunately, i had a very, very bitter, nasty, angry woman who was obviously resentful about the fact she bore such hellish children, because, the day after mother's day, she called to complain to the manager about everything, including me.

i was fired yesterday for the complaint.

thanks a lot, bitch.

oh, and thanks to my spineless manager, who apparently "didn't want to fire me", but "had no choice" because he couldn't take a little flak from corporate when this bitchy woman threatened to call the office.

i know officially deem mother's day the worst holiday ever to be contrived by Hallmark.

 
At 8:27 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Fired for no reason. That's the problem when you work a no skills job and can be easily replaced by the retard bagger from the supermarket and your employer has no regard for his employees or the law.

 
At 9:25 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Honestly man, lighten up -- the difference between you and waiterrant is that he knows what comes with his territory and takes pride with dealing with it.

Get another job or suck it up like the rest of us. Going on vacation? Who cares - stay there.

 
At 12:16 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I agree with the comment above. Waiterrant is a fantastic blog with great stories, and a man who makes me trust restaurants. You make me never want to step foot in one again.

 
At 5:08 PM , Blogger Nichole Sidhe said...

This was a funny post. I don't miss the food service industry at all. :)

I also love all of these anon. posters who think they're so important that they have to come here and cut you down. I'd love to meet these sorts of people face to face and see if they would still have the gaul to say some of this crap.

Keep doing what you do, man.

 
At 6:00 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

As a veteran fine dining waiter its all a show to put on for people the more rude and pompous you are the more I will avoid you least I can till assholes leave.

 

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