The Insane Waiter

Running wild on customers, chefs, owners and managers since 1997. I bring to you, The Insane Waiter. What do bring to your table? A crisp bottle of San Pellegrino ? Perhaps a lovely seared Sashimi Tuna? Start off with a wonderful bottle from Tuscany perhaps? Why I'll be more than happy to bring you your White Zinfandel and Chicken Caesar. No you can't order the mac and cheese off the kids menu and sorry no, we don't serve cheese sticks....

Monday, April 10, 2006

I Think I'm Emo

Ok so I'm not emo...

Unless you count irritability and the such.

For what an emo kid is I can't describe one but I know what they are.

This song on my myspace is a pretty good description...

Well one night an Emo kid came in late, like five till close late, he will now be known as Emo.

I was the closing server and management, in a fit of fairness, told him when he entered that he and his party had five minutes to order.

I approach the table with this knowledge, wowed by the fact that a manager actually put a restraint on a customer.

Skeptically I look at my new pale, hair in the face horn rimmed glassed friend.

"I'm so sorry I came in so late, the rest of my group will be right here." Emo said apologetically.

He immediately ordered for the entire group though they weren't there.

"Is it ok if I order a caesar salad to start?" Emo asked.

"I know you're trying to get out of here, I don't want to keep you." He added.

Baffled I answered, "sure thing."

I drop off his salad and promptley order the table's dinner.

The kitchen immediately starts giving me shit for placing an order at closing, but hey, I'm just the messenger.

The rest of the pale, horn rimmed glassed group arrived.

In all fairness though, they were still acting far more politely than any other novice dinner their age.

I order them a couple Newcastle's and drop off their dinner.

Emo starts to shove his credit card at me, "I know you want to go so if you just want to ring us up we'll leave shortly."

Once again I calmed him down, "Don't worry about me, I've got about fifty things to clean up before I go, enjoy your dinner."

I start tearing down the expo line and wait stations, I can see them having a good time chatting amongst themselves.

As much as I want to get out of there and head downtown for some drinks I know they'll be getting done as soon as their meal is over.

No brewing another pot of coffee or blowing an attempt at a dessert presentation.

Other customers would and do stay for hours after close, I think I've talked a bit about it in previous posts.

Campers that never leave.

Whoever thought up that buying dinner buys you the right to stay forever, especially after hours needs a reality check.

I've had a few ballsy managers and owners hustle people out in a reasonable time, but most try the passive aggressive route this industry is known for.

Turning up the lights.

Off with the music.


Shit like that.

I've had customers interrupt my vacuuming so I don't disturb their precious time out...

Of course that time would be 12:30 A.M.

An hour and a half after close.

I don't understand why a polite, "Folks I'm glad you came out, but we have to close up for the night." Is so out of order.

I won't have to worry about it with this group though.

I'm closing the seating area down now, condiments in the back, shelving cleared for the cleaning crew...

It's 11:15, I've been here over 12 hours now.

I've checked back to see if everything was ok, it was, they tried to pay again.

I tell them to relax.

A bit later I finish up and the gentlemen asks for his bill.

Maybe there is something to this "Emo" thing.

The table gives me a great verbal tip and their appreciation for us staying open just that little bit for them.

There bill wasn't much, a few pastas and a few salads, vegetarian of course.

They threw me a twenty spot for their meager bill.

On the other side of the restaurant the other closing waiter's eight top is trying to order another round, he's been here twelve hours also.

Shoulders slumped with exhaustion he heads back to the bar for their round.

His group has been here since nine, I'm sure he'll make out nice on them, I'm also sure he's ready to go.

I cash out and get ready to hit the town for a couple hours of binge drinking.

Passing the busboy I hear him mutter, "Fucking bastards," at the table of eight.

He's stuck here too, can't leave until the restaurant is clean.

I reach the light controls and turn it up all the way.

I overhear something about not being considerate.

That's just what I'm thinking.

But at least someone was tonight.

Yup, maybe there's something to this "Emo" thing after all.


At 10:56 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

WOW. A very nice postive post!

At 11:07 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

You must have had one hell of a lot to drink before you wrote this one. This is you personal best for misspellings, grammatical errors, and botched punctuation. It's as bad as a 4% tip.

At 1:12 PM , Anonymous Curious said...

Glad you got a nice table, even if they did keep you there late. I love your postings, but there's something especially nice about these kinds of posts. Maybe you just seem much less stressed while writing them. Usually, I just feel terrible for you. Good to know there's a bit of positive too.

At 3:18 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nice grammer in the critical post, ha! Only found one misspelled word, "promptley"

At 4:08 PM , Anonymous Eustacia Vye said...

It's always cool to hear a bit of humility-- namely, when preconceptions are shattered. Nice to experience it, too.

Sounds like a cool kid.

At 5:17 PM , Anonymous Miss Crunt the English Teacher said...

Try "till" and "dinner" (s.b. diner)

At 6:25 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

"grammer", Anonymous (3:18)..?

At 1:24 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

"This is you[sic] personal best..."

Ah, the irony.

At 2:15 PM , Blogger Abby Scott said...

Im jest wanting too say, its extremely rude to right a good story for free; and not punctuate goodly.

At 12:20 AM , Anonymous Peter said...

I actually had a question for the presenter

I tend to camp well after closing at my local bar, last Saturday not leaving until 4:30AM

Last call is at 1:45

I help bus tables, and wipe stuff down, and don't seem to be in the way?

does that draw waiter wrath?

At 11:56 PM , Blogger server in da burgh said...

Hey, spelling and grammar police! Give the guy a break!

Good story, Insane. Keep on.

At 3:43 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Abby that pic makes you look like the Gremlin chick. Where's her body? BTW, the 80's called and they want their black pantyhose and mullet back.


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