The Insane Waiter

Running wild on customers, chefs, owners and managers since 1997. I bring to you, The Insane Waiter. What do bring to your table? A crisp bottle of San Pellegrino ? Perhaps a lovely seared Sashimi Tuna? Start off with a wonderful bottle from Tuscany perhaps? Why I'll be more than happy to bring you your White Zinfandel and Chicken Caesar. No you can't order the mac and cheese off the kids menu and sorry no, we don't serve cheese sticks....

Friday, March 17, 2006

Like Rats in a Maze

"Folks, party of two?" I ask.

A well dressed older couple had just arrived.

Cufflinks sparkled on his suit and plastic surgery on the lady glistened in the soft lights.

The host is missing, surprise, surprise...

So I jumped up and helped out when a few groups walked into the lobby.

I checked the rotation chart and headed to Shannon's station, the designated server for this turn.

Walking past the bar I place their menus on a table in a nice quiet area.

"Yah, why are you putting us here?" The well dressed man gestured indignantly at the table.

Because this is your seat asshole.

I want to say that.

With a forced smile I walk them down the aisle to the next section, another quiet table.

"We don't want to be by the kitchen." He says.

I bet you don't, I think.

I round the bend and gesture to another table.

"It's to crowded here, and loud." The lady adds.

I spy another open table right behind the host desk.

"That's the only other table I have." I said.

They both just kind of shrug.

Off we go again.

I am stopped far short of my goal, however.

"This one will be fine," The gentleman adds, pointing to another table, a reserved four top.

There is a reservation for twelve in about a half an hour there, along with its ajoining tables.

"Sir, that's reserved for another group." I interject.

"It'll be fine," he repeats as he moves toward the the chair to pull it out.

A moment of frustration crosses my mind. I'm not going to move an entire party to another section for this clown, hell there isn't another section that would fit them at this hour.

"Sir, it isn't fine, I need this table open, follow me please."

I force the smile back to my face.

They begrudgingly follow and I complete our lap around the entire restaurant.

The manager on duty pulls me aside.

"What was that all about?" He asks.

I inform him that they weren't happy with the three tables I tried to seat them at and recalled the whole situation.

Of course he knows them, they are friends of his family.

I try to think if I called him an asshole or anything, I hope I didn't...

Of course it was all my fault that they had to take that trying journey around the entire restaurant, it wouldn't be theirs would it?

Naturally about five minutes later they approached the host desk wanting to use a phone.

I offer then house phone.

"Don't you have a cellular that I can use?" The lady asks.

"Nope, sure don't." I answer.

I can feel my mobile pressing against my thigh.

"Well go find the manager for me, surely he has one." the gentleman requests.

"Sure thing, right away."

With that I'm off to the back.

"Hey can I bum a square?" I ask the expo.

Cigarette in hand I walk out the back door.

My passive aggressive answer to this insane business.


At 3:20 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

If they are that classy, where's their cell phone. Why would anyone want to have them use your minutes. I know I would never let anyone like that use up my minutes. They'd probably be on the phone throught dinner just be asses.

xbenaiahx of myspace

At 9:56 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

They're old, but they caught on pretty quick to the youthful habit of hanging on the cell.

At 11:32 AM , Anonymous stove said...

Awesome dude, fuck them! Let your manager kiss their asses, that's what he's there for. BTW that glistening plastic surgery line was pretty damn good.

At 11:37 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Any surprise that they were friends of your weak-ass manager?

At 1:40 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nephew Dude:

Well told story.

I could see the images you created as you went along, literally and figuratively.

LOL ending.


Uncle R.

P.S.---What's an "expo"?

At 4:44 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I would bet if spent just one week without your prejudging asshole attitude, your earnings would go up 10%.

I go out to eat a lot by myself, and as you have pointed out before, "singles don't tip as well."

You happen to be wrong. However, if I get a server with a shit attitude like yours I sure don't.

A group I was with had a lousy experience last week. Out of this and that, cold soup, lousy salad. They ended up comping the dinner (about $50) they were so embarrassed.

I tipped the dude $30 becuase he worked so hard TRYING to make things better.

Had he had your attitude, I would have left a single penny.

At 5:57 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just wanted to say that I work with the public and today was one of the worst days I have ever had! People are so rude and demanding anymore and anyone who is in any kind of service industry will feel the wrath of the public in some form or another. I am begging people that read, please be nice to people. I am nice to you. I waited on a woman today that actually made me cry after she left and I'm sorry, but I don't believe that anyone, anywhere deserves that kind of treatment from anyone. We are here to help you, not take your abuse or for you to take you bad day or attitude out on us. We're human beings just like you and not servants. As to the person who commented ahead of me; if I were a waiter and had to wait on an asshole like yourself, I wouldn't want your frickin $30 tip if you handed it to me on a silver platter. So here's a suggestion for you, get off the waiter's ass and get bent.

At 9:24 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

they r just stupid & therefore, assholes. sorry but those people are idiots and think about themselves only. egoists!

At 11:28 PM , Blogger Insensible said...

There's definately the oft repeated "ism" of walking a mile in someone elses shoes.

The shame of it being that most who say it have never thought of using it.

I'm just thankfull that I asked to be a food runner this time around. Sure the money is nowhere the same, but I don't really need it at the moment and I only have to see any table once during a shift.

I do admit to looking forward to the day when a customer treats me half as badly as one has treated you. I really don't fear losing my job or spending a night in jail.

At 9:10 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

... and why is Brett still around to screw things up? Why wasn't he kicked to the curb after effectively comping a 20-top? ("You know how to take a Reservation...")

At 3:32 PM , Blogger Fly Girl said...

What do you recommend for business people who travel and eat alone? I don't want to do fast food. I don't want to always get to-go for my room.

I'd like a nice glass of wine and a decent meal, but it sounds like I'm not going to be very welcomed by the waitstaff.

I'd be interested to know your recommendation.

At 3:33 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Eat at the bar, simple.

At 6:21 PM , Anonymous i just said...

Fuck eating at the bar when I dine out alone. I'll take a table, have a real sit-down dining experience and tip accordingly.

At 8:44 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Traveling alone...

> What do you recommend for business people who travel and eat alone? I don't want to do fast food. I don't want to always get to-go for my room.

> Eat at the bar, simple.

> Fuck eating at the bar when I dine out alone.

I live on the road five nights a week, so I have some perspective.

1) Best advice to follow, see below.

2) But as for the bar, I tend to eat there: you can walk in without a reservation and get seated. If the barstaff is friendly, you get served fast. And, if _you're_ friendly, the barstaff is friendly. And if the barstaff is friendly, your life gets easier. Take a hint.

3) But if there's a bar, it may not be that good. For instance: Friday's, Applebee's... Uhhh. Outback.. Better. Family-owned restaurant with some character and authenticiity (like they've been there for a few decades and their grandparents came over from the old country), best yet.

Best advice (as mentioned above): find somewhere you like (preferably not a chain), appear frequently, and always tip 20% -- even when it doesn't seem worth it. Life gets easier when they start to recognize you and know you tip well :-)

Now, if you travel and don't stay in a sngle location for long, I can't help you -- other than the afformentioned advice: avoid the chains.

At 8:25 AM , Anonymous Anon #6 said...


Did your restaurant get paid for the bill? Did you get your tip?

I can't decide which I want to see more: The restaurant didn't get paid and your dumbass manager got fired, or it did get paid, and you got your tip...

At 11:41 AM , Blogger Sondra said...

OMG, Insane, what fucking assholes. They would have made my blood boil.

At 2:55 PM , Anonymous cds said...

Gotta love table jumpers..

Do they think the food will taste different if they sit THERE rather than OVER THERE?

I'm convinced that the majority of the public checks their brain (and manners) at the door when they walk in.

At 3:09 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

See, now THAT'S how you handle a difficult customer. Stand firm, and say no until they go make it the manager's problem. If you give in, you'll never escape tehir demands.


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