The Insane Waiter

Running wild on customers, chefs, owners and managers since 1997. I bring to you, The Insane Waiter. What do bring to your table? A crisp bottle of San Pellegrino ? Perhaps a lovely seared Sashimi Tuna? Start off with a wonderful bottle from Tuscany perhaps? Why I'll be more than happy to bring you your White Zinfandel and Chicken Caesar. No you can't order the mac and cheese off the kids menu and sorry no, we don't serve cheese sticks....

Sunday, March 05, 2006

A Pleasant Dining Experience

First table of the night walks in and the middle aged couple are seated in my station...

Many waiters use this first table as a barometer of things to come for the evening.
I certainly hope they enjoy their dining experience so I can enjoy my shift, yes I am one of those superstitious waiters indeed.

The waiter assistants aren't yet in from their requisite pre shift joint so I head over with water and the ever precious free bread...

"Well how are we doing tonight?" I ask, meaning the royal we.

The lady gives me that annoyed upper glance that so many librarians once gave me as a child...

So we're off to a good start.

The gentleman looks up smiling and responds with, "Great, how about you?"

Relieved that at least one of them has a soul I go right into my spiel.

"Well I'm doing great, would you care to try a nice glass of our new Pinot Noir to start off with this evening?"

The gentleman pondered for a moment and went with my recommendation.

"Miss, anything for you?" I ask.

"No! I want a lemon for my water." She exclaims.

Very well then.

As I return with the lemon and glass of wine I return to my spiel...

"Well tonight for our featured entrees we have a Mediterranean chicken angel hair tossed with pine nuts, sun dried tomatoes and topped with feta cheese and drizzled with an herb infused olive oil."

Continuing on, "As well we have a baked sesame seed encrusted Rainbow Trout served over a sobe noodle stir fry tossed with shrimp and porcini mushrooms with a cilantro lime oil to complement the entree."

The gentleman orders the trout, the lady responds with, "Don't you have any butter?" As she points at the bread basket.

Glad to see where her priorities lie.

"Certainly miss, would you also care to order?

She rolls her eyes, "What kind of soup do you have?"

"Well today we have cream of asparagus along with Italian wedding soup."

She wrinkles her nose, "I want to try the asparagus."

"Would you like a cup or a bowl?"

"I said I want to try it, not order it."

"Sure," I respond as I do an about face.

The other servers are all lined up like as if they're waiting to be shot, naturally their listening in.

I give them the raspberry and they all start cracking up.

I return with the lady's sample of soup, she tries it and promptly orders a cup.

"What kind of side salads do you have?"

I list off the variety that we offer and the homemade dressing that accompany each one.

She scoffs and asks, "Don't you have any regular salads?"

"How do you mean ma'am?" I ask.

"You know what I mean, lettuce and croutons?"

This warrants a glib remark, "like our caeser?"

"Hurmph!"

"I'll have another wine sir," The gentleman interrupts.

Hell, he needs one alright.

"So no salad then ma'am?"

"I guess not."

So I leave the table with an order of a fantastic feature...

And a cup of soup.

Other tables start to filter in, and luckily the barometer seems to be broken tonight.

Bottles of fine wine abound and I rock out another four features.

Passing my first table I check back on how their dinners are

The gentleman's response, "Oh this is great, I've never had anything like this."

The lady is sitting there stewing with her cup of soup in front of her, "I want a Pepsi."

"Is a Coke going to be ok Ma'am?"

I thought her head was going to explode.

"I want a Pepsi," She repeats.

"Ma'am, we carry Coke products, do you want a Coke?"

Head back and arms wide with expression she exclaims,"Yah, yah, yah, whatever!"

"I'll be right back ma'am."

The gentleman gives me an apologetic look.

Hey, he's got to live with her.

I just get her as my adversary for forty five minutes.

Why a guest, customer or whatever has to take this approach I will never know.

I understand an iceberg salad with ranch and croutons has its place, alongside a club sandwich and the false antiques of a "shit on the wall" restaurant.

Why one would go to a nice restaurant and scoff at the menu is beyond me.

Maybe because it is different?

Better?

Something new?

All I want is a pleasant dining experience for everyone involved.

30 Comments:

At 10:51 PM , Anonymous Kathy said...

I am not in the serving biz, but in my line, it is 5% of the clients cause 95% of the problems. Seems to be accurate in your field as well. Some people have no class.

 
At 10:54 PM , Anonymous Steve said...

I figure her life is her punishment.

Nice entry, or should it be entree?

illegitemi non corobundum
(or something like that, I'm sure some anonymous commenter will correct me)

 
At 8:04 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Illegitimi Non Carborundum

(Sorry, but you asked for it)

 
At 10:55 AM , Anonymous Brad said...

I wonder if the gentleman knew that he can rent women by the hour. There's no need to keep one.

 
At 1:03 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

so here I am reading your archives and I come across this gem (For those of you in NYC they're the same as those from acrossed the bridge) To this I add FUCK YOU DICKHEAD! I live in new jersey and it was a nice place untill every bad driving self important ass with a car moved here from NY. we're the butt of every joke from cluless people everywhere. If it's so bad then why don't they all leave? I'll go out on a limb here and guess that you've never even been here. You hate when your customers are rude to you for no reason? I'm sick of people like you dumping on my state. Did you ever wonder why we're the most densely populated state? It's not because it sucks here so much Mr. Hawking

 
At 1:29 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nephew Dude:

"All I want is a pleasant dining experience for everyone involved."

What if you were to use something like the above line with pain in the ass customers?

Followed with something like, "Now, what do you need to enjoy yourself?"

Sort of like something you would ask a fussy lover . . .

Love,

Uncle R.

P.S.--- What does ILLEGITIMI NON CARBORUNDUM mean?

P.S.S.---Brad's lines were funny!

P.S.S.S.---What is that anonymous Bridge-and-Tunnel Boy growsing about?

 
At 2:50 PM , Anonymous Steve said...

Anon #1

I DID ask for it. It was good for me, how about you? (Gave me a chuckle)

Anon #3

roughly "Don't let the bastards wear you down" I have no idea what #2 was on about, don't really care.

 
At 2:55 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Did you ever wonder why we're the most densely populated state?"

Because your citizens keep spewing out illegitimate children?

 
At 3:21 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Because your citizens keep spewing out illegitimate children?

2:55 PM
let me guess, you didn't even finish high school right? you hick douche bag.

 
At 3:26 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

i'll also take a guess you're a good and holy born again christian. I can tell from your obvious compassion for single parent families. I guess they don't have a lot of those in your trailer park.

 
At 5:32 PM , Anonymous stove said...

"Relieved that at least one of them has a soul..."

That's a pretty good line!

 
At 5:52 PM , Anonymous mike said...

Just one Pepsi, and you wouldn't give it to her...

 
At 5:02 AM , Anonymous susan said...

New Jersey isn't just a joke to the midwest, my old company chose to close up shop and move ops to NJ and offered to pay me to move. No f'n way I'd move to that stink-hole, I told 'em thanks, but no thanks, I'm staying in VA.

The funny thing is that all but ONE of those who went are now back and regret every second they spent up in Jersey.

 
At 10:05 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Was the tip any good?

 
At 2:06 PM , Blogger Secret said...

Shit no, she paid...

$4 on $40

 
At 4:04 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

glad to see you gone sue. we have enough trash here already. Va's a better place for you. much easier to find a Klan meeting. and there's all those high falutin' restaurants like waffle house that you can aspire (that means wish) to work in.

 
At 5:12 PM , Anonymous whyarewetalkingaboutNJ? said...

When most people say "New Jersey" they are thinking Newark, which is a shithole. The rest of the Garden State is beautiful, believe it or not.

 
At 8:05 PM , Anonymous Susan said...

Hey anon, never went there. (re-read the post, your reading comprehension skills must have been taught in NJ) Mt Laurel a-holes were bad enough visiting, I didn't want to live near them. It was some of my co-workers who went and then returned.

BTW I'm not a waitress, I'm an engineer. ...and the name's Susan, not Sue.

(Never even eaten in a Waffle House)

 
At 8:27 PM , Anonymous susan said...

Oh, yeah, I forgot to add...

I'd be willing to bet that waiting is a lot harder in many ways than doing the work I do. Computers are based in logic, unlike humans. (read customers!)

Waiters, don't you all wish for (Ctrl, Alt, Delete) for some tables?

 
At 9:57 PM , Anonymous Steve (no s__t) said...

Susan dear...shhhhh

NJ's a WONDERFUL place! Much better than Virginia, or Calif which really sucks. Yes, stay in NJ, we're just jealous.

Nothing to see here!

I'm sure he had a deeper interpretation of what you wrote than us mere mortals can appreciate.

Let's just tip toe out of here.

 
At 8:25 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

dear steve. If you had enough sense to read this whole thing you would have noticed my original post. I was pointing out that the author made a smug remark denegrating where i live. I'm tired of people making fun of my state. It's really quite nice.It has some things that aren't. but even colorado has bad air pollution in denver. I'm not being uppity. When sue the engineer wrote "No f'n way I'd move to that stink-hole" I don't think you need even a high school degree to find the "deeper interpretation" of that. By the way sue i love how you point out how innocent you are of smearing NJ and then write "your reading comprehension skills must have been taught in NJ". Well suzy you're right I was taught in a terrible New Jersey School called Princeton. Oh and I can see what a great person you are by the way you're horrified that someone would think you're a waiter. Well Suzy, we all now know that you're not a waiter AND you're ignorant.

 
At 4:18 PM , Anonymous sametoyou said...

Apparently Princeton no longer teaches manners. Or writing skills. Let me guess, Liberal Arts?

 
At 5:19 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

dear same to you. manners is what this is all about. that and judging things you don't know anything about. this is a losing battle i see. " never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups". I'll leave you now so you can go back to jerry springer

 
At 5:42 PM , Anonymous sametoyou said...

I knew it! Liberal Arts!

 
At 7:06 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

dear anonymous - you get upset about insults to your state, then you proceed to insult everyone and everything in sight. Do as I say, not as I do? Or maybe it's just a sign of mental imbalance. Either way you fail to grasp the irony.

The first poster had it right:
"Some people have no class"

 
At 11:32 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Gee I wonder why New Jersey has such a poor reputation. The people seem so nice.

 
At 8:41 PM , Blogger Brad #1 said...

Yeah, no wonder why northerners are hated by southerners when they decide they want to move south. There is a difference between a yankee and a damn yankee. A yankee is one that comes here, and goes back. A damn yankee is one that comes here and decides to stay.

 
At 11:57 AM , Blogger Sondra said...

I am a Yankee, then. I couldn't stand the hypocrisy of the South. The weather was great and the scenery was beautiful, but the people were all full of fucking shit.

 
At 3:40 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

You know what the best thing about New York is?


It doesn't smell like New Jersey.

 
At 2:16 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I reread the story. No mention of NJ. I'm confused.

 

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