The Insane Waiter

Running wild on customers, chefs, owners and managers since 1997. I bring to you, The Insane Waiter. What do bring to your table? A crisp bottle of San Pellegrino ? Perhaps a lovely seared Sashimi Tuna? Start off with a wonderful bottle from Tuscany perhaps? Why I'll be more than happy to bring you your White Zinfandel and Chicken Caesar. No you can't order the mac and cheese off the kids menu and sorry no, we don't serve cheese sticks....

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Such Thing As A Free Lunch?

So I had this couple come in the other night.

Seemingly very nice people, ordered a bottle of wine, apps, salads and the two entree features of the night.

After dropping of their meals I took care of some other business and stopped back to see how everything was...

Sidling up to them I enquired," folks how are the your dinners? Is that steak cook to your liking?"

The lady nods and the gentleman comments that his steak is perfect.

I'm a busy little bee this night as its a Friday and hurry on my way.

About ten minutes later they seem to be done, I notice she has about a third of her fish feature left along with some of the sides,"Ma'am would you like me to box it up for you to take home?

Looking up at me she goes, "Sir I have a complaint, the fish is way to dry and it is full of garlic, I don't want to take it home I just want you to know that."

I of course apologize and immediately saying I'll speak to the chef...

I also throw the hint of dessert at her before I go.

Going back in the kitchen I grab the Chef on duty and toss the dish in front of him.

"Hey asshole, thanks for sending me out with this shitty special!"

I shoot off on him with a wicked grin.(Notice the change in my demure the second I hit that kitchen door)

I proceed to smack him on the ass, as I have a fetish for it these days it seems.

(Yes, I get along great with the kitchen, hell I used to be one of them and they know it)

Chef calls me some vague ethnic slur and asks me what's wrong with it...

"Lady says its dried out and too much garlic.

"Chef to me,"There's no garlic in the sauce."

"I know," I respond.

He pokes the fish around the plate, "Isn't dried out either."

Once again,"I know."

"I don't think we should take it off, she blew her chance at sending it back, maybe I should offer her a free dessert?"

He'll take my recommendation, I don't need to run it by my eight bosses, some things just need to be done.

I go back out with dessert menu's.

"Ma'am tonight dessert is on the house, I'm very sorry that you didn't care for your entree"

She is thrilled, notice I didn't say we're sorry for screwing it up, though that does happen from time to time.

I come back for the order.

She asks me what I would order for my dessert if I was having it...

I go into my spiel about our pastries and yadayada, I strongly urge her toward one in particular.

"Well how is this tart?" asks the lady...

"Its fine, but I strongly recommend this new item that I was telling you about...

"She promptly orders against my recommendation, fine, no biggie.

I drop desserts and after a few minutes head up with their check, she has her tart pushed to the side, half eaten.

"How was your dessert and coffee ma'am?"

She pushes the plate further to the side,"Yes, this dessert was tasted dry, what was the one you recommended?"

I fly back through the kitchen, pissed...

I throw the dessert in from of the Chef once again.

His eyes narrow, "what's wrong now?"

"She says this tart is dry, its the lady from earlier, this is her free dessert."

"Jesus Christ, well what do you want me to do? How is it dry anyways, there's ice cream on top of it!"

One more time the my answer is, "I know."

"The hell with this," I say.

I grab the fork off the plate and shove a bit in my mouth...

Delicious.(Ya I know its gross)

Half the kitchen and servers groan, the other half are rolling...

"Its fucking perfect!"

I declare with a triumph."But the hell with it, I need this dessert on the fly!"

I take her out the original recommendation, this time its perfect.

Get them cashed out and on their way, hell even good tip, probably because the husband could sense the layer of annoyance under my mask of compliance.

Now I'm all for giving the customer their due.

If we screw up we should fix it. But shit like this is ridiculous.

It happens a few times a week, how can we get something right if you won't tell us its wrong until there's nothing we can do about it?

Then you want it for free, or something for free.

How many times have I come to take away an empty plate and been told it was terrible and they want a free meal?

Hundreds.

What was wrong with this lady's dinner?

Not one thing.

Yet she got 2 desserts anyways and for free...

Too many people do this unnecessarily.

I for one am tired of comping off meals for scam artists or those who are too meek to send something back right away.

And ya, I'm pretty sure the lady just wanted a second free dessert, the one that I raved about...

9 Comments:

At 4:50 AM , Blogger Big Tasty said...

Man, I've been out, semi-undercover and heard the goddamned civilians RAVING about this. It's become a cute little scam and it needs to be put to bed. With extreme prejudice...

One of these days I'd like to organize all the waiters to go into the bank early one day. We'd all deposit a few bucks, keep our bank statements, and drink coffee. You know the coffee you get for free while you wait to deposit your hard-earned money into a checking account the financial institution insists on taking their 'cut' based on account balances? I'd like to go in and drink, drink, and drink their fucking coffee!

Why? Because they are the rotten bastards that come in after their scheduled day and expect US to stay open for their mudslide, water with lemon, and chicken sandwich (no oil, please, it gives me gas).

We'll insist on sitting after hours and say, "but we're paying customers!" And we'll produce our deposit slips, displaying our deposit record, proving we are customers, calling corporate...and changing policies to where they have to wait on OUR ass!

I forgot what I was going on about, but people please stop trying to fuck over your neighboring corporate restaurant waiter.

That's me,

Big Tasty
http://therealbigtasty.com

 
At 9:38 AM , Blogger Cynthia said...

I hate people like that. Bastards. I admire you for dealing with people like that day after day with an extraordinary amount of patience.

 
At 1:23 PM , Blogger Derrick said...

at least she didn't make a din! some of my customers can tear down the restaurant over this.

 
At 5:52 PM , Anonymous nia said...

i get a sense that it is really unfair. Usually when I eat at restaurants, the food isn't good...not worth the price at least, I almost never complaint and even if I say something to the waiter-waitress, they never give me anything free. NEVER.
SO when I read your blog or waiter rant, I feel kinda sad;)

it is a very good thing that you are so patient, that s really nice for the patrons I guess:)

 
At 11:55 PM , Blogger Kirsten said...

Its very sad that companies have to suck up to people like this and give them things for free when they are complaining for nothing. Fine if there was something actually wrong with the meal, but it sounds to me like they just chose something from the menu that they didn't like. That should be their problem and make a better choice next time.

It would be great to have a restaurant with such a good name that you could tell these people "too bad" and give them nothing for free and not care about it.

 
At 1:06 AM , Blogger waltoncad said...

Just leave them in the lurch, with a giant lurch of a sneeze or dandruff shake that will satsify your moral standards. Something can make you feel better!

 
At 10:32 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Now that table need to be crop dusted!

 
At 6:14 PM , Blogger Sondra said...

LOL, assholes. But at least they tipped fairly well. And you handled it perfectly.

 
At 3:46 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ah, yes, how to get discounts and/or freebies by complaining....

This has been around for a couple years - as a tip for saving money and being a "savvy" shopper. Did not get exactly what you asked for (or say you asked for) or exactly the way you think it ought to be? Did it arrive late? early? Was the service not polite enough? too patronizing? Was the lighting too bright for you to enjoy yourself? too dim to see what you were doing? Then, by damn, complain! It's unacceptable and you should be compensated. You are a paying customer (or would be if they did their jobs right) and it's their job to keep you happy.

And they get away with it because most businesses don't want the reputation of having bad customer service. The trouble is that these people assume it doesn't cost anyone but the company and that the company won't be hurt in any way.

News flash, savvy shoppers/selfish cheapskates! Somebody ALWAYS pays for your freebies and it's not always somebody who can afford it.

 

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