The Insane Waiter

Running wild on customers, chefs, owners and managers since 1997. I bring to you, The Insane Waiter. What do bring to your table? A crisp bottle of San Pellegrino ? Perhaps a lovely seared Sashimi Tuna? Start off with a wonderful bottle from Tuscany perhaps? Why I'll be more than happy to bring you your White Zinfandel and Chicken Caesar. No you can't order the mac and cheese off the kids menu and sorry no, we don't serve cheese sticks....

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Obnoxious Inebriation

Dear chain restaurant/chain restaurant manager…

Right now I am mightily drunk, I had deep conversations on life, racism, the war as well as our beloved restaurant industry in the last few hours, here's a few things that may infuriate you...

As well as the grammar Nazi's out there.

First off I violated the rule of having three tables/12 "guests" in my section.

I had eight tables at the height of tonight's rush (did I spell tonite wright?)

And a total of twenty four guests rolling in my section at the same time.

I suppose I could have had several (ten) less "guests" and had a better ability to give proper service, after all my chief purpose in this business is to service the "guest".

Was that period in the right place? Last time I messed with a period I got dumped, but I digress.

I guess I was a greedy son of a gun (not a bitch, my Mother's a Saint!) but with that extra ten people I made another$1,000,000 or so, at any rate a higher number than any server should deserve.

I probably could have made a bit less and provided a marginal bit of extra service, but rather than sell desserts or coffee I pushed you out of my section for another table.

"Dessert, well they're oooooooooook, no we don't have expresso...

(Apologies, espresso)

Bamn, another $200 table instead of a camper with their $5 desserts.

Then I took seven tables, one was an eight top, to the chain restaurant managers I do apologize, I should have split that table, but I was greedy.

Instead of pulling $35 on a split I put myself ahead and rolled with $70.

Oh yeah, I won the sales contest and brought home a nice bottle of wine on the house.

I guess I don't care about the guest as much as my own income...

But they are related now aren't they, I care about the guest as much as my income is involved.

But time to go, "Rocket Queen" is on my stereo and its time for one last beer before I have to wake up and play an actor again.

As we say "Peace, Love and Chicken Grease."

Was the period in the right place?


At 4:21 AM , Blogger waitress said...

I love you.

At 7:22 AM , Blogger 6th Floor blog said...

Drunken Ramblings?
The Best Kind!

At 7:24 AM , Blogger NYC Educator said...

The period usually goes inside the quote in American English. I think in Britain they do it the other way.

That doesn't freak me out as much as the apostrophe when you pluralize "Grammar Nazi." I'm an ESL teacher, so I suppose that's a large part of my job. I usually correct only the grammar of my kids.

And I wouldn't have said anything to you either, but you asked.

At 10:31 AM , Blogger richbh said...

The hell with grammar - you conveyed your thoughts and that's what is most important. It's not like you're competing for "best grammar blog" or anything, right?

As for what you wrote - BRAVO! Go for the cash. Just don't step on the toes of other servers.

At 4:18 PM , Blogger Ryan said...

Booze + Blog Read by the world + Retarded Restaurant Management = Hilarious Posts.

And on another note, who cares about grammar, about time the truth gets told, I feel sorry for servers who get screwed by management, it's just ridiculous some of the things they get away with.

At 8:45 AM , Anonymous Kris said...

Awesome! I'm so glad I work in a small place with owner/managers who don't limit our tables.

That said, when I get up to around a dozen tables in two dining rooms, I start to falter. heh

At 9:33 PM , Blogger Kate said...

This post left me imagining a slightly (er) drunk waiter waving his arms around, with apron half on, hair askew. Thanks for the laugh, it really was an adorable picture.

At 8:35 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

lol... sweet post. coherent, yet rambling and hilarious.


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