The Insane Waiter

Running wild on customers, chefs, owners and managers since 1997. I bring to you, The Insane Waiter. What do bring to your table? A crisp bottle of San Pellegrino ? Perhaps a lovely seared Sashimi Tuna? Start off with a wonderful bottle from Tuscany perhaps? Why I'll be more than happy to bring you your White Zinfandel and Chicken Caesar. No you can't order the mac and cheese off the kids menu and sorry no, we don't serve cheese sticks....

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Effin Hippies

Seriously, we have a deluge of new employees and about half of them are hippies.

They are slow and ignorant, they feel that since they are hippies that they are entitled to this laid back lazy brand of working, they even speak lazily as to show how laid back and cool they are.

They aren't cool.

They take years at the computer and have no sense of urgency when it comes to their jobs, thus causing longer waits for us "square" types.

They don't take any sort of direction well from the senior staff members, head waiters (myself) or management. I think they hate working for the man and expect everyone else to do their jobs for them

The other day I asked the hippie on the linens side work to make sure the hamper was lined with a bag so linens wouldn't pile up on the floor.

"Don't worry about it man," was all she could say.

Well during the middle of the rush I came thought the kitchen and another, more responsible, server picking up linens that had been piled up on the floor, blocking traffic and creating a safety hazard.

Looking down on the floor I said, "This is what happens when you leave a hippie in charge of something, shit all over the floor, its a good thing they don't run the world or we'd all be fucked."

When confronted the hippie said something like, “I’m too stoned and laid back to work.”

I responded with a ,”Do you fucking job, we’re not here to clean up after you!”

Later in the shift hippie girl wanted to check out with the closing server, myself.

“So what did you do for your side work?” I asked, already knowing the answer.

“Well I took a bag of dirty linens to the basement.” She responded.

I looked over by the dishwasher, sure enough the hamper was filled to the brim.

“You need to take those down also,” I said, pointing out the hamper.

“But I already took a bag down, man!” She said crossly, or as crossly as a hippie can get.

“You have to take all of the linens down, sometimes its one bag, sometimes its three, I don’t care.” I said.

“We also need five bags of linen napkins brought up from storage while your down there.” I said, pointing out another of her duties she neglected.

“Whatever man, this is bullshit, the night shift can take care of it.” She said.

“What’s bullshit is that you’re passing the buck to someone else so you don’t have to do your job.” I responded.

“Whatever,” was all she had to say.

While hippie chick was in the basement I looked over her other side work duties, stock tablecloths?

Not done.

Stock water glasses?

Not done.

It became apparent that she hadn’t done a single item on her list, yet she had the balls to try to check out with me.

She almost cried when she came upstairs and I confronted her on this.
Hippie chick #2 wasn’t much better.

The other day her opening duties were to set up the parties in the restaurant for lunch and straighten the other tables.

There was a party of eighteen, two of twelve and a twenty top.

The Twenty top was in my section.

After I had spent about thirty minutes setting up the kitchen and helping other servers with their work I noticed hippie chick struggling to put my table together. She hadn’t even started on the other parties or straightening the sections.

“Having some trouble I see?” I asked.

She had the tablecloths on upside down and in disarray with each table having cloths of varying length on them.

“Uh, I think I have it dude,” she said.

“I think you don’t, we open in fifteen minutes and you still have three other parties to set up.” I said.

“I’m almost done with this one.” She said, struggling to count the twenty seats (there were only eighteen).

“Not really, you have to tear this apart and completely reset it, the tablecloths need to be straightened and arrayed in diamond shapes so it looks nice, and you don’t have enough seats.” I said.

“Whatever man, I know how to do my job.” She said.

“Apparently not, go worry about you other parties, I’ll set up this one.” I said.

“Why would you even care?” She asked.

“Because this is my party and my tip, I want it to look nice.” I responded.

“Whatever,” she said,

“Yeah, whatever, go blaze up another one smoky.” I said.

Now it may sound like I have an anti-hippie bias, well maybe I do.

They are generally poor tippers, smell like patchouli and have gross hygiene. They are even worse to work with. Now this is a generalization, but they are among the least motivated employees, this may be because they feel they should give their attention to activism such as saving baby seals or global warming or poverty,

Well I have an answer for the last on that list, do your fucking job and show a sense of urgency,

I’m sick of picking up the slack for you and sick of you slowing down us who really want to get shit done.


At 6:55 PM , Anonymous Unabashedly Ashedly said...

I am a hippy. I own a business. I work on the side. I host fundraisers. I am clean. I tip VERY well. I am hard worker. I have goals and aspirations.

With this said.... I may sometimes smell like patchouli ;-)

At 9:24 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

looks like you're having a shit storm at work. hope things get better!

At 9:28 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

They're not hippies, they're slackers. Big difference.

John, unrepentant 50-year-old hippie who doesn't like patchouli and works harder than most people of any age, but is still a hippie.

At 9:45 PM , Blogger nola said...

It sounds like you should sit down and smoke a blunt with them and chill the fuck out.

At 2:21 AM , Blogger RastaManErn said...

...or better yet, fire their asses. The overwhelming reason why businesses lose customers is because of shitty employees.

At 10:00 AM , Anonymous hippie killer said...

I think you should just shot them hippies are worthless stinking piles of crap and have no work ethic what so ever. And patchouli smells worse than four day old horse shit in the living room

At 2:11 PM , Blogger Hanna said...

ah, the side-work wars -- why is it that people want to always not do it? half the time it takes u maybe additional 20 minutes to do it, but in turn, the service runs so much smoother... well, at least your hippies don't get high right before service or better yet during their half-hour break in the middle of the shift and then go back in and are disoriented for the next hour and a half while you're running around like a chicken with a head cut off...

At 8:04 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Statement on the Tax Free Tips Act
by Ron Paul

At 1:39 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know what you're saying.


I also see you are becoming quite a manager! You finally see it from the "other side".

At 1:01 PM , Blogger Tony said...

Obviously, "hippie" is a generalization for a type of worker/person that will make anyone crazy. My experience has been it's those who have to be high at work who slack and make life miserable. These total waste cases seem to devolve to a point where only they exist. I've no problem with people choosing what to ingest, I just wish they'd do it when it didn't fuck up their work.

At 3:48 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Damn Insane

I need to talk to your Dad, He's going to cry when he hears how grown up you are. All those years of hoping that something stuck between those things hanging on your head .(ears)

It sounds like you are headed to the other side of the Biz. I did'nt know you would go that far but I'm glad you came.

May I be the first to introduce you as the next big Dick.

As always J.P. and T.D.

At 9:44 PM , Blogger meg said...


At 6:43 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your recent posts illustrate perfectly why it's hard to take the whole serving "profession" seriously. Maybe you are a competent and conscientious waitperson, but the slackers you are describing are all too common in your industry. If I may ask, do you think that people who can't be trusted to complete their sidework or take out the garbage are any more diligent when they are working with seated tables? Of course not, yet they still think they deserve an automatic 20% gratuity for their substandard performance. Restaurants are full of these people, as well as full of the kind a apathetic management that allows then to get away with it, all over the place.

At 7:03 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think the problem is that too many people did drugs or drunk while pregnant and the children are defective. There is no sense of responsibility. No desire to see a job well done. There are empty husks only partially human. Thanks hippies for contributing to the end of civilization.

At 9:00 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

who uses the word hippie except old people?

At 3:17 PM , Anonymous Honeyporter735 said...

God, I HATE hippies.

At 8:10 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

We don't have hippies around here...

Kinda glad, too...though our 'urban' clientele is worse enough, I can assure you.

At 12:13 PM , Anonymous Strawberry Blond said...

Despising hippies is the ONLY thing I agree with Cartman on.

"They want to save the earth but all they do is smoke pot and smell bad."

It's wrong. But stereotypes have their truth, too.


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