The Insane Waiter

Running wild on customers, chefs, owners and managers since 1997. I bring to you, The Insane Waiter. What do bring to your table? A crisp bottle of San Pellegrino ? Perhaps a lovely seared Sashimi Tuna? Start off with a wonderful bottle from Tuscany perhaps? Why I'll be more than happy to bring you your White Zinfandel and Chicken Caesar. No you can't order the mac and cheese off the kids menu and sorry no, we don't serve cheese sticks....

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Diced or Sliced

“Um, like I want that salad that has cheese and tomatoes and stuff.” Asked picky drink girl.

Earlier she had asked for a Mudslide and when told we don’t offer blended drinks asked for a

Strawberry Daiquiri, she wound up ordering an iced tea with “a bowl of lemons.”
I brought her two lemons, but I digress…

“I’m sorry, we don’t offer a salad of that type maybe we can come up with one if you know what kind it is.” I said, knowing full well she wanted a Caprese salad. I just wanted to watch her struggle after she reacted like a little snot when informed she couldn’t have her TGI Friday’s drink special.

“Well I don’t know, it has some kind of weird mozzarella or something.” She spurted out.

“You must be thinking of buffalo mozzarella, you must mean a Caprese salad.” I replied.

“Yeah, well I want that.” She said.

I did a mental checklist, while we could do the salad theoretically, the presentation would blow as well as the flavor, fresh heirloom tomatoes are out of season and the romas we were getting wouldn’t cut it.

In other words chef won’t make it, I won’t serve it.

I offered her a similar dish.

“We could do our bruscetta mix as a salad, if I add oil and balsamic with some basil it would be very similar.” I said.

“That might be ok, is it chopped?” She asked.

“Well the cheese and tomatoes are cubed, but not chopped as if a relish.” I replied.

“Well I don’t want it chopped, why can’t I have it like at (insert random Italian restaurant here)?” She said in a bitchy tone.

I got to use one of my favorite lines…

“Because we’re not (insert random Italian restaurant here), I don‘t have the buffalo mozzarella to be sliced as our fresh mozzarella is either chopped or shredded.”

“So what, do you expect me to eat it with a spoon?” She shot back at me.

“Well you can always use a for.” I shot back.

She sat there thinking for a minute.

“How much would it cost?” She asked.

Normally alarm bells would be going off in my head about a shit tip, lucky for me it was an eight top with auto-gratuity.

“I would charge you the price for a bruscetta appetizer.” I replied.

“Well I don’t want the bread, I shouldn’t have to pay the full price.” She said, wanting a discount on one of are already inexpensive items.

It overjoyed me to deny her.

“Miss I will still have to charge you full price, the cost of the product isn’t in the bread, but our imported fresh mozzarella, plus I will be making additions to the salad so it would be in the lines of a true Caprese salad.”

“I don’t think so, I’ll just have the crab cakes then.” She said.

Chock another one up for Captain Insano!


At 10:51 PM , Blogger Karen said...

I'm just curious... if you have been blogging about the ails of customer service for years, why still do it? With your people skills and appreciate for quality and efficiency there are plenty of other wonderful options.

At 3:06 AM , Blogger rob rob the party slob said...

or... you could continue to wait tables and bitch about it so that I get to read it.... I like my option much better... forget karen... it's all about my amusment and reading pleasure

At 6:44 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Working in the department I do at my job, I don't get that many parties that warrant an automatic gratuity, so I just get smart with them when they start price checking. I hate them all

At 11:09 AM , Blogger christopher said...

I'm with Rob. Forget Karen. :) Keep up the awesome writing and brightening my days.

At 10:20 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Seriously people are food-imcompetent. The restaurant needs to make their food cost, and the people need to realize that when they go out to a "REAL" restaurant instead of cooking at home----they have to pay for it. Simple economics 101.

At 9:59 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

What's so hard about (1) reading the menu and (2) ordering something that's on it? Honestly, it wouldn't even cross my mind to make the kitchen do tricks for my amusement.

At 7:51 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

The thing I don't understand is why people don't realize how happy a good restaurant is to take care of you. If you have an allergy or a reasonable request, and you're polite about it and ask nicely... the server and the cooks will take care of you.

You act like a maniac and no one wants to help you. I used to work at a call center for a big bank. We were able to refund $100 a day in fees and overdraft charges, etc. It was our own discretion. So, even if you met all of the guidelines for the refund, but you yell at me or talk to me like I'm stupid, nope.. sorry. Some people that were incredibly polite and respectful towards me got refunded overdraft fees they didn't even ask for.

If you want someone to help you, make them WANT to help you. No one will go out of their way for an A-hole.

At 9:32 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

the comment above me is ridiculous. DO YOUR JOB

At 11:03 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

karen go off yourself,
ment go off and read one some other

love reading your stories.
just want them more often.

At 5:20 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Truck drivers can go accross country without a map and then get lost in the parking lot of a truckstop. Just makes no sense at all. Then again that's why we are the people who must educate the dumb and hungry.

At 6:05 PM , Anonymous marco said...

"the comment above me is ridiculous. DO YOUR JOB"

oooooooh - sounds like someone didn't get their overdraft charge refunded. I wonder why?

At 4:28 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was doing my job. My job was to use MY discretion when refunding overdraft fees. It was purely up to us. Hence why I used this as an example of being nice to people. I wasn't giving you an example of not doing my job. I was saying it pays to be polite, moron.

At 8:05 PM , Blogger Kev said...

well done! you handled that table brilliantly.


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