Diced or Sliced

“Um, like I want that salad that has cheese and tomatoes and stuff.” Asked picky drink girl.

Earlier she had asked for a Mudslide and when told we don’t offer blended drinks asked for a

Strawberry Daiquiri, she wound up ordering an iced tea with “a bowl of lemons.”
I brought her two lemons, but I digress…

“I’m sorry, we don’t offer a salad of that type maybe we can come up with one if you know what kind it is.” I said, knowing full well she wanted a Caprese salad. I just wanted to watch her struggle after she reacted like a little snot when informed she couldn’t have her TGI Friday’s drink special.

“Well I don’t know, it has some kind of weird mozzarella or something.” She spurted out.

“You must be thinking of buffalo mozzarella, you must mean a Caprese salad.” I replied.

“Yeah, well I want that.” She said.

I did a mental checklist, while we could do the salad theoretically, the presentation would blow as well as the flavor, fresh heirloom tomatoes are out of season and the romas we were getting wouldn’t cut it.

In other words chef won’t make it, I won’t serve it.

I offered her a similar dish.

“We could do our bruscetta mix as a salad, if I add oil and balsamic with some basil it would be very similar.” I said.

“That might be ok, is it chopped?” She asked.

“Well the cheese and tomatoes are cubed, but not chopped as if a relish.” I replied.

“Well I don’t want it chopped, why can’t I have it like at (insert random Italian restaurant here)?” She said in a bitchy tone.

I got to use one of my favorite lines…

“Because we’re not (insert random Italian restaurant here), I don‘t have the buffalo mozzarella to be sliced as our fresh mozzarella is either chopped or shredded.”

“So what, do you expect me to eat it with a spoon?” She shot back at me.

“Well you can always use a for.” I shot back.

She sat there thinking for a minute.

“How much would it cost?” She asked.

Normally alarm bells would be going off in my head about a shit tip, lucky for me it was an eight top with auto-gratuity.

“I would charge you the price for a bruscetta appetizer.” I replied.

“Well I don’t want the bread, I shouldn’t have to pay the full price.” She said, wanting a discount on one of are already inexpensive items.

It overjoyed me to deny her.

“Miss I will still have to charge you full price, the cost of the product isn’t in the bread, but our imported fresh mozzarella, plus I will be making additions to the salad so it would be in the lines of a true Caprese salad.”

“I don’t think so, I’ll just have the crab cakes then.” She said.

Chock another one up for Captain Insano!