The Insane Waiter

Running wild on customers, chefs, owners and managers since 1997. I bring to you, The Insane Waiter. What do bring to your table? A crisp bottle of San Pellegrino ? Perhaps a lovely seared Sashimi Tuna? Start off with a wonderful bottle from Tuscany perhaps? Why I'll be more than happy to bring you your White Zinfandel and Chicken Caesar. No you can't order the mac and cheese off the kids menu and sorry no, we don't serve cheese sticks....

Sunday, December 23, 2007


Since I’m a such a thankful person I’d like to thank the following this Christmas season.

I’d like to thank Kevin for coming in and leaving me $5 on a $118.00 tab. It’s the nice thing to do before a holiday, to show one’s generosity.

I’d also like to thank him for subjecting me to his faux romantic ambitions as he ordered for his horse faced date. Thank him for pondering the wine list for half an hour to order the perfect glass of wine, which was naturally the house Chianti which tastes of sweat socks and ass.

Thank him for insisting on a four top for the two of them and also thank him for camping out and costing me my 7:30 reservation. Which incidentally tipped their waiter $40.

I’d also like to thank him for his verbal tip, thus showing myself and the readership that it wasn’t a service issue that necessitated the tip but pure cheapness.

I’ll not forget you Kevin and I assure you the next time you come in you will receive service from myself or others that befit a 4% tip.

As for myself I generously kept fifty cents after tipping out the support staff and bar, thank you for two hours of my life that are truly unforgettable.

I’d also like to thank all the campaign staff’s for the various candidates of both parties. It is truly a honor to wait on privileged political science students taking a year off college with daddy’s credit card. I’m so happy that you are gracing us poor hick Midwesterners with your cultured selves.

Truly endearing was several staffers calling in to the various restaurants with reservations for Obama, Hillary, Romney, Richardson and so forth giving the impressions that “the man” or “the woman” in one case would be joining us for dinner.

Certainly we put the reservations in the prime spots, put our best staff on the section and readied the restauraunt for super suck up mode.

Naturally the VIP's were nowhere to be seen, but a bunch of drunken twenty-something politicos were.

Thank you for not honoring reservations, or for throwing tantrums when you show up with twenty people five minutes after close, thus necessitating keeping the staff into hour past the a.m. mark. That was quite a privlage waiting on you when I had to be back to open the restaurant in eight hours the next morning.

I’ll be sure to vote for your candidate based solely on your behaviors.

As well I’d like to thank our foreign visitors.

Truly the Christmas season would be at a loss if not for your bemoaning the boorishness, arrogance, ignorance and hatefulness of our culture.

All while ignoring a simple and well known custom called tipping.

I’d especially like to thank the Spanish journalists who came in three days in a row, racking up enormous tabs, and yet on all occasions left not one peso, Euro or red cent as a tip.

If I went to Spain I would be expected, and expect myself to learn the day to day customs and what is an insult and such. As well I doubt I would sit there in a café and make snide comments about their nation in front of a Spaniard that knows English.

Now I am certainly not fluent in Espanol, but really, making digs at my country when I myself have Spanish blood and know a bit of the lingo isn’t such a good plan.

As I was their waiter on their third day and had heard about them, I was sure my service standards were at the level necessitating a 0% tip.

I would genuinely like to thank the many regulars who have come in recently and left great tips to their servers as a thank you for the past year’s efforts as well as in the spirit of the holidays.

I’d also like to thank those who make polite requests instead of rude demands.

Those who say “I understand” rather than “that is unacceptable” to the word no.

Those who are appreciative.

Those who understand the concept of operating hours.

Those who say please and thank you.

Those who genuinely are interesting in dining our rather than shoveling food in their face.

Those who rely on common table manners.

You are in the majority, so truly thanks.


At 4:07 PM , Blogger christopher said...

And thank you for your excellent service, friendly attitude, and always entertaining stories.

At 1:44 PM , Blogger Suzy said...

No one from Europe tips since the tip is included in the overall price at every restaurant. I've lived in Europe, am half French and spent 3 THANKLESS years waiting on tables in NYC. I would tell every boss to please put up a multi-lingual sign explaining that tips are not included, but none of them ever did.

I feel ya, kid.

At 8:50 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ahhh, the lovely and charming campaign staffers.

There's one working Marion County that has cost Hillary a considerable number of caucus votes through her antics. Sara...whatever her name is, we call her Miss Prissy Pants...thinks all activity in our restaurant should come to a halt for her. She can't understand why we have to go about our jobs when she's gracing us with her UGG booted presence. There should be no activity whatsoever while she's flapping her fat yap. Then she stiffs us, leaving no tip whatsoever. She tries to barge uninvited into community group meetings to sing Hillary's praises. She is (politely) turned away.

Well honey, we've got your number. So does anyone whom you've come into contact with. Can you say, "I'm caucusing for anyone BUT Hillary"?

I sure can!

Take this as a really big smack with a clue-by-four, candidates. The behaviour of your staffers reflects directly on you. Tell them to treat servers with the same respect they would show you, the candidate. And tell the cheap-ass little creeps to tip generously!

Servers caucus too, you know!

At 5:10 AM , Blogger the real actors studio said...

I would like to send my holiday wishes to those ever-so-attentive patrons that acknowledge my presence, say please and thank you, leave the correct credit card slip as not to stiff me, realize that the job we servers do is no cake-walk, and for all that don’t look at us as second-rate members of society. Well, shit! I don’t think any of my patrons fit the bill, so for my fellow FOH slaves…Happy holidays, good luck next year, and remember…it’s all about quality of life.

At 10:00 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Never fret, fellow server. Word always gets around about public figures and their misbehaving staffers.

At 5:06 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've always wondered how far someone would have to go before a bad tipping guest's credit card shows up on a blog...

At 5:30 PM , Blogger Eric said...

Wow, just wow.
For the Politicos, this blog should be emailed to thier campaign offices. I note that the names were printed so any savvy operative will likely google their candidates name and get a hit.
As for the spaniard. Yeah that is tacky. and Ignorant of local customs goes both ways.

Have a great year, I enjoy reading the blog.

At 9:59 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

To the first person from Europe who suggested restaurants have a multilingual sign about tipping not being included.. My restaurant would not allow us to place gratuities on checks, but if we suspected a table were foreigners, we were allowed to write "Service is not included" on the check (even service non compris for the French). Do you think that helped???? If we got 10% from the majority of Europeans, that was a lot. The English KNOW and just are so cheap and arrogant; they sit like they are kings and suck up fabulous food and service and in some cases leave nothing and for a very very generous person 10%. There are many travel books that talk about the tipping customs in America. There is much mention of 20% in many movies and commercials. All of the chain restaurants in Times Square have a "customary 15 (or 18)% gratuity added". Many of them know, they just think it does not apply to them.

What makes me angry is that someone else is paying for their good service. The tables around them who tip correctly are paying for them to not have to pay. If everyone tipped like them, either there would be service included and everyone would pay for service whether it was good or not, or the level of service would deteriorate so far so fast....

And, the best is how many of them say how much better the service is here.

At 10:13 PM , Blogger Pretty Hyperbole said...

These are my kind of Thank-You's....
I was a waitress once. For two years. I think that job made me become the optimistic realissimist that I truly am...

At 7:16 PM , Anonymous GreekWaiter said...

I'd like to set something straight. Most Europeans KNOW how to tip. If they don't chose means they are cheap. I am from Greece and i have worked in the restaurant business for nearly 13 years. During those years i have come in contact with people of various nationalities. I can describe most of them but here i will only mention the Spaniards. Cheap, shauvinistic bastards! At least most of them..u go to their table..and they start talking to u in if u should necessarily know the language. You are visiting a foreign country u moron, and if u can't learn at least a few words of that language to communicate, learn some english, wich is internationally accepted. And of course they Never tip. Likewise with the french, on both aspects, language and tipping. Anyway whoever wants to exchange opinions i put my myspace. Cheers to ya all. P.S most of my american clients are great tippers, and very polite..whatever that stands for..

At 7:56 PM , Blogger Trouble said...

there is really nothing to make you cynical about humanity like waiting tables.

At 4:57 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

basically the eurotrash as I refer to them steal from you since you underwrite the business payroll costs to multiclasses of coworkers

I cant say the Spanish I have waited on were rude or anything but maybe I got the Cosmopolitan ones who travel farther out than their own continent.

and about the campaign problems -get their names and anon report em to their campaigns emphasising the fact the entire's restaurants votes will go to another campaign and when your reg patrons couldnt get their reg tables you explained it to them as to why and that thoise votes went bye bye too. Mention the dishonesty in how the resv were obtained and if the campaign was that dishonest the candidate had to be a crook too

and the Hilary tron who was breaking into meeting rooms DEFINATELY get ahold of the state office of the campaign and they will muzzle her

shit pass the info on to the local election coverage reports someone will get it on the national news for a day

At 12:02 PM , Blogger Sarah said...

My favourite Christmas Eve story:

My first Christmas away from home, I was just 19 and all by myself for the holidays. Not relishing the idea of going home to an empty apartment I agreed to work.

I served a family of four - ran my ASS off for them - and their bill got up to 175 bucks. As they left, the father shook my hand and told me what a great time they had, and wished me happy holidays.
I inched over to the billfold....
5 dollars. The tip out on their bill was 5.21. I had to pay the restaurant for the priviledge of serving them.

I went to the back, muttering under my breath when one of the nastier cooks reminded me that tipping was not a requirement and I should just shove it already. Needless to say I ended up in the bathroom, crying because I was so frustrated. At least my fellow servers came to my defense, and he got it from the MoD. Shittiest. Christmas. Ever.


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