The Insane Waiter

Running wild on customers, chefs, owners and managers since 1997. I bring to you, The Insane Waiter. What do bring to your table? A crisp bottle of San Pellegrino ? Perhaps a lovely seared Sashimi Tuna? Start off with a wonderful bottle from Tuscany perhaps? Why I'll be more than happy to bring you your White Zinfandel and Chicken Caesar. No you can't order the mac and cheese off the kids menu and sorry no, we don't serve cheese sticks....

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Someone forgot to feed the hostess :(

From the "Comment" section:



ive been reading through your blog for a few days now, and honestly im flat INSULTED by the way you talk about hostesses.

i am a hostess. at a chain restaurant. at the bitch of ALL chains at that: ihop

believe it or not, we're not all 17 year old bimbos just doing this cuz daddy said we needed to get a job. some of us are legitimately just trying to pay the bill until we find something better. something i would say you are trying to do, except you've been a waiter for YEARS, and honestly, i never see you doing anything else with yourself.

im a 24 year old college graduate. why am i hostessing, you ask? because what i really want to do (either music promotions or disaster relief, i havent decided yet) doesnt pay. and i have rent to fucky with the hostess and see how often you get a quality table on a slow day. we can definately fuck with the pay in your pocket if you piss us off enough. you have no idea how often ive sat a section with one and two tops for an entire shift because the server was fucking with me and treating me like shit. and there wasnt fuck all they could do about it. cuz i run the show up front.

and yes, the hostess does run the show. as much as you would like to think that you, the big bad server, runs the restaurant, its simply not true. you try running the front without one for just one night and you tell me how fast the entire place falls into ruins.

oh and also, we're fucking human. treat us accordingly. talking to me like im trash will seriously fuck with your tips. oh and another thing: we're not fucking PSYCHIC either. i dont know whats going to come through the door any more than you do. sometimes double / triple seating cant be helped. the fact that ALL the tables are in yoru section and the last 4 ppl that walked in wanted tables? not my fault. dont yell at me for it.

so basically: respect the hand that feeds you.


Well I'll give this about a C-

For poor grammar, punctuation errors and weak vernacular.

Good job college girl, you just made me look like an English Grad student.

Retort to come next.


At 4:59 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I agree! If you are going to brag about being a college student, at least use spell check before posting such a lame comment.

At 6:01 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

i cant wait for the retort you have to this.

after the day i had at work today, im under the impression that waiters honestly see us as brainless shittards that take sick pleasure in triple seating them

id honestly love for you to try to tell me thats not the case. REALLY would

At 6:11 PM , Blogger Amy said...

You'd give that a "C-"? It looks like it was written by a 9 year old sailor. I guess the shift key on her computer was broken and that's why she was unable to capitalize any of her words? Either that or she needs to upgrade her machine to one that has automatic spell check built in. If that's the quality of student that her college is graduating, I'd like to know the name of it so I don't waste my money sending any of my kids there. That was pathetic!

At 7:29 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I like how you have nothing to say to her valid points, and can only critique her grammar.

At 8:48 PM , Anonymous Lisa said...

Hey, Anonymous, way to man up and claim your comment.
Waiter, if you want to be above addressing her claims, then I'll be so kind as to do it for you, as someone who's worked in the service industry for ten years and is ALSO 24-years-old. After this long, I have very little pride or patience left.

First of all, Hostess, IHOP isn't a real restaurant. The only people who eat there are white trash and drunks. Trust me, I've been there.

Like you, I've worked in restaurants because I've yet to find what career properly suits me. Unfortunately, I've not graduated college, in fact I dropped out twice. Oddly enough, my lack of college education is enough to make it painfully obvious that YOUR college education was from a Community college at best. Grammar, punctuation and spelling are key, if you're going to write a novel at least run it through spell check.

Anyone in a restaurant can fuck with anyone else's income. If someone was pissing you off, it was most likely because you were being a dumb whore. I've done your job. It's fucking easy as hell. A trained chimp could probably do it, and would probably have more success.

Something else you might want to know - I've also run nights without a hostess. It's much less stressful not to have to yell at the ditz up front every three minutes because counting and rotation are the equivalent of quantum physics for her. I know you're not psychic, but graduating college would hopefully signify that you have learned to count.

Since it IS your fault, we WILL yell at you. Don't get mad, do your job right. Like I said, I've been a hostess, server, bartender, and trainer all in different types of restaurants. The movie "Waiting" accurately portrays your kind.


Service Industry Bitch.

At 10:07 PM , Anonymous Alan said...


Like you, I've worked in restaurants because I've yet to find [a] career [that] properly suits me. Unfortunately, I [haven't] graduated college[.] [I]n fact I dropped out twice. Oddly enough, my lack of college education is enough to make it painfully obvious that YOUR college education was from a [c]ommunity college at best. Grammar, punctuation and spelling are key[.] [I]f you're going to write a novel at least run it through spell check.

Personally, I think you should take your own advice.

At 10:09 PM , Anonymous Alan said...

Damn! I knew I should have previwed.

At 1:42 AM , Blogger Victor said...

Wow, learn to write?
Sounds like she's power tripping off what little power she has. She'll screw your tips if you piss her off? Yeah, right. If a venue gets busy she's going to be seating tables anywhere she can. I work in, and have previously worked in venues which have no hosts/hostesses, and they worked fine.
Try working somewhere a little more upscale than IHOP if you think your job's stressful. Work with people who make hospitality a profession rather than just something to pay the bills.

At 9:17 AM , Anonymous said...

I think she needs a vacation...or another job!
So You Want To Be a Banquet Manager

At 9:34 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

As a debate teacher taught me: when arguing your point never take it down to the simplest level, i.e., crass language, childish threats.

I have to give Hostess props though, who knew you could mix text/IMing slang with all lower caps. Waiter you are being generous with the grade of C-.

At 11:46 PM , Anonymous Tim said...

Um....I don't know what bizarro world the hostess lady comes from, but its much easier to run a restaurant without a hostess than it is without a server.

As much as they would bitch and complain about it if they had to do it, servers would be able to multi-task enough to seat people if needed. Especially at a restaurant the class of IHOP.

Also I find it funny when hostess use the whole "I can give you, 1 or 2 top tales all night" threat. That threat only works untill you get busy and then the GM gets mad for putting two tops at a four top table.

To follow up that point, threatening the servers and getting them mad is the quickest way for front of the house people to lose their jobs. As much as they fight amongst themselves, they're quick to gang up and complain to the GM about bussers/hostess' they don't like. And unless the busser or hostess is doing a phenomenal job, then its bye bye time for then. About the only people who are safe from that tactic are back of the house people.

And to follow up on that, a GM is much more likely to fire a hostess who is allegedly doing a bad job....why? Cause they're much easier to train. Servers make more money for the restaurant than the hostess' do ao as much as hostess' like to think they run the show up front, they don't have shit on the servers when it comes to restaurant politics.

With all that being said, I used to be a busser. And using your train of thought, bussers had slightly more power than hostess'. Servers have more incentive to suck up to bussers cause they can subtlely dictate which tables get seated next. But its all a moot point when you look at the fact that essentially, servers more or less pay our tips (well at most restaurants they do).

Also as a busser I didn't really like servers much more than I did hostess. They both go on power trips. The difference is that at the end of the night, I'd much rather have the server on my side than the hostess'. When you all inevitably go to the bar, the servers are the ones who made enough that night to not mind buying the busser whose been busting his ass all night a few drinks.

Oh and the only reason servers bitch at hostess' for seating people at the last minute is because the cooks bitched at the servers first. Don't shoot the messenger.


P.S. I know I suck and puncuation. So shoot me.

At 4:42 AM , Blogger Christina said...

You know what Miss Hostess? I'm a lead server and am sick of hearing about how your job is so damn hard that you can't keep rotation because you're slammed and are just sitting people anywhere you see a clean table causing us to get triple sat.
If I can do your job when you're not there, with a full section no less, and keep in rotation then I just have to assume that you're a dumbass when you can't.

At 9:17 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hosting... tough? Oh please....

AT IHOP no less?

At least she's in college. Maybe she can land a better gig....

At 2:38 PM , Anonymous bj said...

I never understood hostesses, even when I was one. They refused to help run food, couldn't follow a rotation, and sometimes would even seat guests at whichever table was closest to them so they wouldn't have to walk far. (This was at a chain where they were required to run food.) The problem with most hostesses is that because they have never waited tables, they don't actually understand the importance of not being triple sat and having more than just one and two tops all night. Sure, they know they are making your life more difficult, and sometimes will bitchily do it on purpose, but they don't know what it is like to not be able to pay the cable bill because a twenty year old girl was too busy flirting with the assistant manager to pay attention to her job. Thankfully, the restaurant I work in currently is a pub, so there is a seat yourself policy. That way, we run on a rotation when tables arrive, not in sections like places that have to have hostesses. It makes my life much easier.

I would like to say one more thing about the post of this hostess. Working at IHOP is not actually hostessing. I mean, it is, in that you pick up menus and walk people to a table, but you aren't using opentable, confirming reservations, making a seating chart, and dealing with to go business in addition to running food when needed. If you were able to accomplish all of these things, I would maybe be able to listen to some griping. But remember, I started my hosting stint at Applebee's. I know exactly what you do. It is not difficult.

It is always fun to watch the hostess that screws you get promoted to server. The first night she gets screwed by her replacement, you know she's at the host stand yelling just like everyone used to do to her. Then you can laugh....

At 3:03 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Did Springs1 get a job in the industry?

At 1:09 AM , Anonymous Food Service Ninja said...

LMAO on the springs comment but there wasnt the EXCESS CAPS so it wasnt her and the rant wasnt that long either

At 8:09 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Whoever gave that girl a degree should be shot in the face. I don't give a shit if this is the internet or not, if you don't want to look like an asshole, learn how to use the "shift" key.

The problem, dear hostess, is that a bunch of servers have already done your job and know exactly how it works. Most of us started off as hostesses (or the gender-neutral "seaters"), and got into serving from there. We know it's not always easy, but we also know how much harder things can be. Yes, you're human and you make mistakes. We also know that you can (somewhat) control how we get sat. That's no excuse for not doing your job well and getting pissed off when we call you on it.

You've got bills to pay? Then why, O Sweet Tap-Dancing Christ, aren't you waiting tables? How are you making more money than either of your preferred (bizarre, totally unrelated) career choises as a hostess at a freaking IHOP? How (seriously, I don't know, do the ho's at IHOP get tipped out)? Do the other jobs you want to work somehow pay LESS than minimum wage? Sorry, hostess, I don't buy your story. I'll believe that you have bills to pay, but I refuse to believe that you're not in your preferred field because you can somehow make money as a hostess. As a server who is usually quite forgiving and understanding with the seating staff, I fear that I am unmoved by your poorly-worded righteous indignation.

At 9:45 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Some of my favourite restaurants don't have hostesses and they run quite smoothly. Not that I'm on anyones side. Just sayin, it's a little harder without a server.

I think the customer is more likely to be the feeding hand, not the busser. While the busser may influence the customer, I think she was a little off here.

At 5:37 PM , Anonymous lordsomber said...

How about she just say:
"I am a hostess. Therefore, whenever you criticize any hostess at all, I will take it very personally, as if you are talking about me, because I am an insecure person who has to attach my tender ego to everything, including people, places and events of which I know little about."

At 6:32 PM , Blogger weare138 said...

I actually read through all of the prior repetitive comments to make sure I wasn't about to repeat what anybody said, which is this:

"Does anybody else find it ironic that Insane Waiter knocked somebody on grammar and punctuation?"

Grammar/punctuation digs are the first shelter of those without a ready valid comeback. And this from somebody who's a fan of "stuffwhitepeoplelike"!

That is all.

At 6:54 AM , Anonymous TIm said...

In waiters defense, he did say an actual retort was going to come.

And for someone who brags about being a College grad, hostess girl DOES do a rather shitty job with spelling and punctuation.

As prone as I am to antagonize servers, and as much as I would agree with hostes-girl if Insane Waiter as one of those idiot servers who ruin it for everone else, it wouldn't surprise me if Insane Waiter had much more pressing matters to attend to than a hostess on a power trip. Who knows.

(Holy run on sentence Batman!!)

(who probably improperly punctuated that run on)

At 8:43 AM , Anonymous Jackie said...

We only have a host on Saturdays at my restaurant, and when he's there he just screws everything up.

I don't mind being double or triple sat. It's when I get quadruple sat that I start to rage a little bit.

That aside, this girl's a bitch who just proceeded to make her look incredibly stupid.


At 8:45 AM , Anonymous Jackie said...

Ooops, I didn't double check for spelling at mistakes. Oh well.

At 7:47 PM , Anonymous marco said...

that's why they're called "door whores" ...

I can say that because I married one :)

At 6:42 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ok while we all know how classy IHOP isn't...I have served, hostessed, bartended, trained, etc in a variety of places and I have worked with people like this. Its NOT fun! However, looking at things from the other side, it is VERY annoying when a server comes up and says, "Only seat me people that look like they have money and do not have children with them." Don't complain, but don't retaliate either. They get what comes through the door when its their turn to be sat. Sorry, if they are internationals, lower class, or have children...get over it. Some days are better than others. Period.

At 11:39 PM , Blogger Youngblood said...

Lol let me preface this by saying that before i was a waiter i worked host shifts as well(no it was not at a chain). Host(ess)'s like this one are the worst people in the food service biz. first of all by f'ing with one waiter by jacking the seating count affects everyone. And attacking someone for being a waiter for years is dumb for one simple reason. Waiting tables is the highest paying field that requires almost no real skills, aside from stripping of course.

At 11:38 PM , Anonymous Beadaddict said...

I'm not sure if IHOP hostess was trying to prove she wasn't a bimbo, or trying to prove she was.

First of all, she's bragging that she's the hostess at an IHOP, as if that proves her restaurant cred. Was Denny's not hiring? Did Hooters turn her down? What are the requirements of being a hostess at IHOP, anyway? From what I've seen during my (admittedly seldom) visits to IHOP, the requirements seem to be black pants, hair that was washed in the last 96 hours, and the ability to be off the pipe for an entire shift. (They might be flexible on that last point, too.)

Secondly--"Shitty table on a slow day?" Between the Churchies, the white trash, the crabby seniors, the parents-of-undisciplined children and the drunks, when exactly are the NON-shitty tables coming in?

Are there actually high rollers at IHOP? How can you tell who they are? Are they the ones who actspring for the steak and popcorn shrimp when everyone else gets pancakes? Or maybe they actually get the crepes with the fruit topping. No fake maple syrup for them!

Finally, what exactly was IHOP Hostess' major? She hasn't decided to "do disaster relief or music promotions." What are you going to do, IHOP Hostess, schedule bands for FEMA? Dream big, IHOP Hostess!

Although $5 says you're enrolled in beauty school by the time you're 25. Coming soon to a blog near you: The Idle Musings of Great Clips Salon Receptionist!

At 5:01 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I never have understood why hostesses in mediocre types of establishments think that not seeting you or seating you a couple of two tops is the "ultimate revenge." Any of the middle or low class places that I have ever served in have encouraged the servers to help seat the people waiting up front.

Whenever some hostess on a power trip doesn't seat me, I just waltz right up and seat myself. That usually takes the wind out of their sails. If they complain to the managers, I just say that I didn't think that we should have guests waiting when there are open tables and as long as I take the next table on the list there's no foul.

The manager always agrees with that so the vindictive host just looks bad.

I have worked in nicer places where the managers don't want servers to seet themselves but if you create the perception that guest service is your number one goal they usually let it slide a time or two.

Most importantly, if you have even a halfway decent relationship with the management and your fellow servers, they will have your back and that hostess will be screwed.

At 3:50 AM , Blogger Void said...

IHOP is like Waffle House's big brother. You're not special. From the way I've seen IHOP run, the servers have time to sit at tables and talk amongst themselves between orders. This means they could do well without a hostess. You're useless. All you've proven by screwing your waiters is that you're an immature bitch with a false sense of authority.

At 12:05 PM , Blogger Erin said...

Hosts/esses, some things I wish you would get through your heads:

-just because a table is OPEN doesn't mean you have to SEAT it. As you say, YOU run the show. No one is going to get pissed if you say you'll seat them in five minutes instead of now.

-if you are a host/busser, learn how to stagger bussing and seating so you don't HAVE to seat all the tables in one big swoop. Like this: clean one, seat one. clean another seat it. NOT clean all three, seat all three. See how easy that is?

-I know the above concepts might require critical thinking and that you put yourself in the shoes of the people actually serving these customers, but the following is hosting 101 but yet so rarely happens - ROTATE ROTATE ROTATE sections!!

That's all I need from you to get you a pretty 20 per cent tip out. You help me give 20 per cent service, I WILL get that average, and I'll give you the same.

And yeah...where I work we only have hosts/esses on the weekends. We do just fine without out you the majority of the time.

phew...I feel better.

At 11:09 AM , Anonymous Strawberry Blond said...

Am I the only one that is amazed that IHOP has hostesses...?

Why on earth would they need one? They're a glorified fast food joint.

Not only did someone forget to feed her, they forgot to crush up the Midol and put it in her drink. Wow.

At 3:17 AM , Blogger The Hungry Traveler said...

It's true: not ALL hostesses are stupid bimbos (hey, I started out there). But the majority? My questions to you, Annonymous, are: Why did you go to college if the jobs you trained for "don't pay"? What are you waiting for? It's not like jobs just 'blow up' and you'll become an insta-millionaire overnight. Why'd you even bother going to college? Why are you, at 24, proud that you are (still) a college-educated hostess? You've been a host for how long and you haven't moved up the chain at all? Why ARE you still a host since you're so smart? Oh yah wait - your spelling, grammar, and attitude pretty much spell that one out. And the reason why we detest YOUR kind (not the nice, smart, hostesses who know to fill our sections FAT so they can make $$$ - we <3 them) is BECAUSE you DO mess with our incomes, solely because you're being immature and have nothing better to do with your life other than being a hostess!

At 8:32 AM , Anonymous Mary said...

Im a hostess at IHOP and disagree with almost everything she says. Double and Triple seating CAN be helped. I work the overnights and our bar rush is around 2am. There are only 3 other waiters/waitresses on the floor and we get a lot of drunks who make new drunk friends and invite them along to join their already large party. So when the rotation thing makes a full round(or two .. depending on the number of people in a party) I either start a waiting list(with open tables) or go and ask whose ever turn it is if they can handle another large party. If they cant then I go on and ask the rest of the waitresses and if they all cant then voila theres my list and off I go to help the servers. Hostessing really isn't hard but it's not always easy or smooth either .. and like what Youngblood says "by f'ing with one waiter by jacking the seating count affects everyone"

ha yeah I dont really care much for my grammer and punctuations either.

At 5:38 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Angry Hostess,
For the most part, I work cocktail shifts. This means that once the customer has shown the bouncer his or her ID, they are free to sit anywhere they want. And there's not a darn thing your pretty little pissed off ass can do about it.
Furthermore, even on the slowest of nights, when I clean everything before midnight and I pray he server gods will give us a late night rush... I still make twice what you do on an hourly basis.
All this without ever laying eyes on a hostess.
The Server Who Started Out Hostessing... And Realized That Any Intelligent Hostess Would Want to Work Her Way Up to Waiting Tables.

At 7:08 PM , Blogger Francesca Cimino said...

I'm a hostess at Red Robin, a hostess who's as mad as you servers are. I don't know how it is at other restaurants, but hostesses at Red Robin definitely can't just stand around catching flies, we have to do a good amount of running around as well when it's busy. And although I can recognize how stressful waiting must be, I'm pissed off about the blatant contradictions I have to deal with from you (and even the managers) every shift.

First contradiction: You act as if there is one official definition of what double-seating constitutes but that couldn't be farther from the truth. Waiters make up their own definitions based on their capabilities (or lack thereof) and then yell at us as if there is some section about double-seating written down in a handbook somewhere. For example: Server A will get angry (and rightfully so) when they're sat a second table before they've even had a chance to greet their first and put the silverware down, while Server B will rage when they're sat another one even if they're already en route to delivering drinks to their first table.

Furthermore, these iron-clad opinions of what double-seating is can suddenly go flying out the window if the waiter just so happens to be in a shitty and/or lazy mood that day. I've had servers who normally could handle being given one table after another come up and bitch at me for being "double-sat," when they really were just tired and wanting to go home or outside to smoke their seventeenth cigarette of the night. I can guarantee that you'd get better results from "our kind" if you got off your power trip and were straightforward with us about wanting to be able to leave soon or having more time to get your side work done, instead of pompously asserting that we're stupid because we can't read your fucking minds and don't know you're on the rag.

Second contradiction: Servers also behave as if there is one universal method to following the rotation, which one can have unwavering faith in and use at all times. This, unfortunately, is also bullshit. You foolishly claim it's soooo easy, that all one has to do is just go down the list of names and seat accordingly. But we know better than to do that, because we otherwise would hear more whining about how you only have three tables when so-and-so has five (because if two of your tables get up and leave at the same and almost half your section is now empty, that's OBVIOUSLY our fault). So no, we can't simply go down the list, we have to keep track of how many tables each server has and how large each of their parties are.

Just as an FYI, if it's a busy night and we have thirty or more people waiting in the lobby, hell yes we are going to seat the next empty table even if we might be double-seating that person or seating out of rotation. Shut the fuck up and deal with it. You might have to run your cellulite-ridden ass off a little faster than normal, but you're making more money.

At 7:11 PM , Blogger Francesca Cimino said...

I don't hate you servers though, by any means, goodness no! I only talk shit when you unnecessarily patronize and antagonize me. Yes, sometimes I do make mistakes, which I think would be understandable when I'm required to answer the phone every time while it's ringing off the hook (and take to-go orders for you when I technically don't have to), take down names for the waiting list and find out exactly what kind of seating they need ("I need three booster seats, NO, two boosters and a sling, SCRATCH ALL THAT, eight high chairs."), blow up balloons for obnoxious kids from a birthday party who can't decide which colors they want and then come back for more after popping them, reassure equally obnoxious hungry parties of twenty people that their tables will be bussed as soon as the other party of twenty that has just been chilling for an extra hour gets up, open the door whenever someone walks in or out which essentially means I can't focus on any one thing for more than ten seconds, make sure the bathrooms are clean (who would have thought women would have such aiming issues), deliver food that these people who can't even fit into a booth definitely do not need, and help clean tables that I have to seat when the bussers are being slow as hell. Oh yeah, and sprint around the restaurant like a fuck, updating my chart so I can keep count of how many tables all you servers have and try to follow some semblance of a rotation.

The way I see it, we have tenfold the amount of judgement calls to make than you guys do, trying to figure out where to seat people based on which tables will empty out the fastest and whose turn it is next. You just write down what you hear people tell you that they want and then you give it to them. If you fuck up and get a bad tip, who gives a shit, there will be a multitude of other tables to make up for that. Quit taking your bad day out on us.

Basically, if we hostesses are even bothering to offer getting drinks for your tables because you're busy and we "double-sat" you, helping YOU make more money, be nice to us and treat us with respect like we do for you. We DO control how much cash you'll be walking out of the place with. If worst comes to worst, we can instantly kill any argument you throw at us by calmly stating that the customers requested to sit in your section and we can't tell them no. So please don't bother trying to get us fired when there are a lot of us who are doing our best. Stop wasting time complaining, and start working with us instead of against us.

At 10:31 PM , Blogger Angelica Canas said...

Oh my god. You literally didn't listen to a thing she said, just jumped on to her grammar. She is just trying to say hostesses have feelings and that their job is just as important if not more so. I am a host at IHop and saying that IHop 'isn't a real restaurant' is complete bs. Its a place where you get food... that's a restaurant, hun. It's still a job, you still get paid.
Hostesses get a lot of shit for sitting people and tbh it sucks. Just because we have the hard part of seating people, even when they might not want to follow rotation. We can't MAKE the customers sit where we want them to and for waiters to give us shit about it is pointless, puts a lot of stress on us, and is just demeaning.
We deserve A LOT more credit than what we receive.


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