The Insane Waiter

Running wild on customers, chefs, owners and managers since 1997. I bring to you, The Insane Waiter. What do bring to your table? A crisp bottle of San Pellegrino ? Perhaps a lovely seared Sashimi Tuna? Start off with a wonderful bottle from Tuscany perhaps? Why I'll be more than happy to bring you your White Zinfandel and Chicken Caesar. No you can't order the mac and cheese off the kids menu and sorry no, we don't serve cheese sticks....

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Continued Woes

I swear people will do anything to save the smallest amount of money and make themselves appear as stupid as possible.

The other day a woman came in with her group and tried to protest her way out of paying the gratuity.

Her reasoning was that since they would be splitting the check three different ways that would mean it would be akin to a group of four, three and two. Each being smaller than eight and thus being exempt from paying a service charge.

Naturally management backed down and allowed this to occur, despite the fact that this goes completely against policy.

The reasoning behind service charge is not how many checks there are, but how many people. In fact separate checks make the matter slightly more complicated and add to the value of a gratuity in the eyes of restaurant staffers.

Apparently the HBIC* of the party threatened to go elsewhere with their group. I say let them, we were on a wait and I challenge them to find another decent restaurant that could accommodate a walk in of nine at seven o’clock on a Saturday night.

The best part was when another, more rational person, paid for the entire bill, gratuity included. HBIC had an absolute fit, it was great.

The best part of my day was my first table, they were your typical demanding types, two women.

I made more trips for them than the aforementioned nine top. It was a literal relay race between the kitchen and their table for such crucial items as six ounces of ranch for their side salads, straws for water, then lemons, then extra sweetener, extra ranch for their fries and so on.

In fact I believe each one of them consumed an entire bottle of ranch throughout their meal, something that is becoming semi-common.

I dropped their bill which was just above twenty five bucks.

When returning for the pick up the presenter had exact change.

“We didn’t bring our cards so there won’t be a tip today.” One of the ladies proclaimed.

I opened the book and a handful of change presented itself to me.

“Well that’s perfectly all right.” I said with a sarcastic sneer.

You mean to tell me that they had exact change for their meal and not a couple bucks to throw in? Or that between both of them and their suitcase sized purses not one credit card was to be found?

I wasn’t expecting much of a tip from the type that they represent, but to openly tell me they won’t be leaving one, well that takes some balls.

Either they are liars and just felt like leaving nothing, or they truthfully couldn’t afford to tip.

Either way neither of them have any business in a restaurant, other than one containing a drive-through, that is.

Spring also saw the return of one of my favorite types, the ghetto lemonade drinkers.

When I informed the kind guest that we offer lemonade, I was told that her way tasted better.

With a roll of the eyes I brought out a lemon and a knife, there was no way I was going to give her one of the lemons I just spent ten minutes cutting.

So myself and a few of the other servers had an experiment. We made our own ghetto lemonade!

Guess what?

It tastes like shit.

People would rather drink a glass of shit than pay a buck fifty for all the refills one can enjoy.

Here’s your moment of Zen:

Ghetto lemonade

*HBIC - Head Bitch In Charge


At 12:17 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

you don't automatically bring straws for drinks and put lemons on water? we always do and i work at a cheap mexican restaurant. most ladies want both; you should anticipate this.

At 12:19 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Only cheap restaurants bring straws and lemon with water, don't you know that?

At 7:54 AM , Blogger JJ said...

I really like reading your blog because it AMAZES me how tactless and rude people can be. If you don't have enough money for tip, don't go out. What is wrong with these people? How stressful is it for them, I wonder, thinking as they are like finding the keys to the car, driving over to the restaurant, thinking, "okay, okay, don't give in, don't tip, gotta think of a good way to get served and be totally high maintenance and not tip the waiter..."?

Amazing. Simply amazing.

At 3:50 AM , Blogger thy said...

*now why would anyone trust a waiter? It's not like they know how restaurants work....

*is sarcastic

At 5:34 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Check out these 2 articles.

At 10:25 PM , Blogger Denny's Gal said...

ahhh ghetto lemonade

I had a GM who insisted that we charge guests the price of a lemonade if they made their own.

While the guests may think that lemons are free, they do cost the restaurant money.

At 10:44 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

If this is a "woe" you are leading one helluva good life.

My wife is a nurse in oncology (cancer). She sees people in their 20s die from cancer every week.

If your biggest problem is assholes who make their own lemonade, you ought to be on your knees thanking God for your great life.

At 1:39 AM , Anonymous Tia said...

So charge a buck for the lemon if you need to. I, too, have made the table side drink. Ghetto (or barrio)? I, of course, think not. 'Neighborhoods' grew up on the homemade stuff for years. If anything, label it 'retro'. The taste of lemon and sugar is just like the homemade lemonade families made before 'Country Time'. Growing up, my mom made homemade lemonade and brewed tea for iced tea all summer long. Authentic flavors. And it was organic before organic was cool. Besides, I learned to make it at the restaurant table from Gramps !! So it really can't be all that bad. You are probably going to see more of it this summer as temperatures and costs rise. If it helps your customer to more fully enjoy their meal, that could be better for you in the long run. Happier customer, better tip, happier server.

At 11:33 AM , Blogger Chance said...

You have the most spineless ass of a manager ever. He might as well just write in the menu "We have no policies to protect our profit or our staff's profit. Just ask and we will give you money."

What a stupid fool.

At 10:11 AM , Blogger RastaManErn said...

Hilarous. You should come to Europe to be a waiter. You actually get a salary and can treat your customers like shit if they deserve it.

Ghetto lemonade, mon oeil. I would not be surprised if they came in and started making sandwiches with the free bread and stuff they brought from home.

At 11:12 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I admit, I'm a fan of "ghetto lemonade". We drink tons of it at home.


But, I would never, ever, ever order a water at a restaurant and make my own. I'm pretty, er, "frugal", but that is just rudeness!

At 9:01 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

LOL ghetto lemonade.... yeah i've had plenty of people try that on me at my restaurant. they order the water, extra lemons, and sweetner. i will sit there and watch them put the effort of squeezing all those lemons and sugar to make it. after a few sips i will bring them a new glass of water just to ruin all their efforts to watch them make another ghetto batch hehehe. ofcourse i could have just simply refilled their water from the reserve pitchers i have of water, but this way is so much more fun to watch and they stop making ghetto juice after about the third one.

At 5:29 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

"If this is a "woe" you are leading one helluva good life.

My wife is a nurse in oncology (cancer). She sees people in their 20s die from cancer every week.

If your biggest problem is assholes who make their own lemonade, you ought to be on your knees thanking God for your great life."


Sir, I would like to say for the record that you are a douche. This is a blog about restaurant troubles. While ghetto lemonaide cannot be compared to cancer, it is pretty fucking annoying. Now kindly stop reading the blog if it doesn't please you.


At 10:00 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh god, I hate stumbling upon blogs like this. I run the gamut between feeling:
A) so are the wait staff trying to figure out if I'm, "ghetto," if they ask if I want lemon with my water? I've noticed this in the last year or so. Used to, if you ordered water, you got a lemon. Now they ask. Now I know why.

B) A few times, they've brought a whole damn bowl of sliced lemons. Always thought that was weird, figured that they maybe misheard me or didn't have time to cut a slice of lemon if I needed a I know they just think I'm a skank. And I TIPPED these assholes?

C) It's not like I garden for 3 hours in the heat, paint a room, clean a lion cage and then decide to go out to eat! I am tidy. My hair is coiffed. No roots showing. Expensive shoes. And I tip probably too big. My hair stylist is always kinda embarrassed, but I LUVS him and I want his best work the next time I come in, isn't that the point? So why are the wait-staff thinking I'm ghetto? I guess next time I get the lemon-treatment I'm going to tell them to kiss my ass and walk out. Not that they care, obviously, but at least I will go eat somewhere better.

Thanks for the head's up.

At 9:49 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

We don't really have the ghetto lemonade people but we do have the "use the entire box of sugar in the iced tea when we have perfectly good sweet tea in steel drums readily available that your friend just ordered" Most are delighted that we offer sweet tea to begin with since many chain restaurants don't offer it even here in the south. Then your left with a giant pile of pink or white papper wrappers all over the table you have to wipe up because its lunch shift and the busboys are all in highschool.

In Texas we have an overpopulation of tex-mex restaurants that all serve the same sysco food with an extra dash of this or that to make them stand out. We always have to bring out chips and salsa to the tables when the customers sit down much like most bring out bread.

40-somthing rich housewives LOVE to come in and pull that shit on us with the "can i have a chicken taco salad with the chicken on the side? 5 extra ranches and can you bring us a bigger thing of salsa?" This is when i like to come back with a to-go cup filled with ranch to embarrass them (and embarrass me by eating it ALL) and a basket of chips that was on the bottom of the stack all crushed into unusable crumb sizes.

At 9:51 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

when i set the drink down and before I even let go of the cup they spout off "CAN I HAVE A STRAW!??!" like i don't have a huge wad of them sticking out of the front of my black apron wrapped in bright white paper.

At 10:20 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tia...Better tip from a ghetto lemonader ??? yeah right.
"Ghetto (or barrio)? I, of course, think not. 'Neighborhoods' grew up on the homemade stuff for years. If anything, label it 'retro'."

Its ghetto name comes from the fact, these people can't afford to buy a soft drink, not because the neighborhood they are from. duh !

At 3:18 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm surprised you didn't give the "No tip" ladies a piece of your mind. They explicitly said they weren't giving you a tip; that's just an open invitation to take all your anger out on them.


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