Rules of the Restaurant
If for any reason you have plans or commitments after your shift (school, other job, date, picking up your kids) a table shall arrive two minutes before closing and camp out for an hour after close, ruining said plans and causing general discomfort.
If a party argues over who gets the bill, the one to receive it will be the least likely to leave a good tip.
Anytime a compliment is passed on to you by a guest it will be accompanied by a ten percent tip or less.
A table of “bad regulars” will always somehow wind up in your section, run you like nobodies business, then still leave a shitty tip. Being regulars they will come in the next week and do the same. Rinse and repeat.
When looking for someone to pick up a shift because important plans/an emergency , you will never find a coworker to fill the shift.
However you will be ostracized if you refuse to pick up someone else’s shift. Naturally they want the night off to go drinking.
Another server shall never NARC on another server for any infraction short of theft from another server, or possibly murder. Possibly. We have our own justice, mafia style. However stealing from the house itself is not only tolerated, but encouraged.
When a server or bartender want to give a customer a drink on the house that means they’re a great customer.
When a manager wants to do the same it means the customer in question is a POS.
No matter how well the shift is going, you will always get caught in your one screw up by the worst manager on staff.
The second you buy your shift meal and sit down to enjoy it, you will be triple sat and have to eat the cold leftovers. That is if the other employees don’t eat it first.
When you are behind on bills and really need the money, your twenty top no shows and you get sent home without a table.
When you don’t need the money you will have great shifts, however you will blow the money and the above rule will take place a week later.
A waiter will get away with nothing short of burning down the house, however a triviality will lead to one’s termination.
Waiters who grab a drink will be terminated on the spot.
Managers, however will be drunk on the clock at all times.
On the rare occasion that you need a manager, you will never be able to find one. See above rule.
An employee walking in fifteen minutes late will never be noticed by management.
An employee walking in two minutes late will be written up immediately.
The worst server on staff will be the management’s favorite.
Likewise the best server on staff will be living on borrowed time.
Part timers will somehow always make more money than those who work ten shifts a week.
There will always be at least one capable and fair manager on staff. However, the rest with pretty much suck.
On a day you feel like shit, an old classmate, ex-girlfriend or family member will be in to dine. Upon saying hello they’ll ask, “are you still doing this?” and tell you how wonderful they are.
The kitchen will run out of the one thing everyone wants to order.
If you stock a private event with three cases of light beer, they will only order an obscure microbrew that you have a twelve pack of. Likewise when you stock the next party with the obscure microbrew, you will run out of domestics in five minutes.
Only those who deserve it will always double tip you on a gratuity ticket.
The best customers never ask me my name, they call me sir.
If there is more than one split check, at least one of them will stiff you, figuring the other people in the party “took care of you.”
A group consisting only of women will always have split checks, they will each leave you 12%, except for the person listed in the above rule.
A group consisting only of men will have at least one of them speak up for the bill, he will then leave you 20%.
There is always at least one server who drinks the Kool-Aid that the management/owners serve us. They will be lowest on the totem pole of the staff.
The hardest working people in the restaurant probably don’t speak your language.
The very poor treat you like shit and tip likewise, so do the very rich.
Necessary to get through the last shift of the week are Febreeze, a bleach pen and a bump of cocaine.
The only people who use more mind alternating substances than the restaurant staff are the customers, only we get our from the busboy, not a psychologist.
Inspired by Bitterwaitress.com