The Insane Waiter

Running wild on customers, chefs, owners and managers since 1997. I bring to you, The Insane Waiter. What do bring to your table? A crisp bottle of San Pellegrino ? Perhaps a lovely seared Sashimi Tuna? Start off with a wonderful bottle from Tuscany perhaps? Why I'll be more than happy to bring you your White Zinfandel and Chicken Caesar. No you can't order the mac and cheese off the kids menu and sorry no, we don't serve cheese sticks....

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

V-R Day

Victory Ranch Day

On this day, in the year 2009 a great victory has occurred over the tyranny of the lowest class dip, alleged dressing, ranch.

After a decade long struggle with overweight middle aged women who would make Al Bundy cry, there is no more ranch at my restaurant.

It has been replaced with creamy parmesan.

Mixed signals were soon in the air, however.

We were told that it was “up scale ranch” or “our ranch”

No, it is creamy parmesan.

Ranch is ranch, it doesn’t matter if it comes in a bottle or is an herb mix with buttermilk and mayo, and it is not creamy parm.

A sign soon went up signed by all managers and chefs, it declared the following.

“We are not 86ing Ranch”
“Creamy Parm IS our Ranch”

A bold statement to be sure, something worthy of Orwell.

I asked the chef if this was the same dressing on our Cobb salad.

He replied to the affirmative.

“If this is ranch, then why is it described as creamy parmesan?” I asked.

This doublespeak would not fool me.

I was told to either just serve it instead of ranch or give the “upscale ranch” spiel.

It is not ranch.

The reason I know this is this “ranch” dressing tastes good.

While I will still resent delivering pitchers of this dressing to the mildly retarded sycophants that consume such filth, I will know down in my heart that we do not have ranch dressing.

I had the biggest smile that day and that smile shall live on in my heart every time someone asks for a “bowl” or ranch to defile their dinner with.


At 2:41 AM , Blogger Dangerous Des said...

i love both bowls and creamy parmesan. Ranch, not so much.

good to see you blogging, I have stalked you--i mean, read all your archives and have been eagerly awaiting new entries.

At 3:29 PM , Anonymous Consultant Calamities said...

I bet they won't even notice the difference!!!

At 10:33 PM , Blogger IrieServer said...

i love the people who want me to get them a to go cup for the rest of their ranch. are you serious?

check me out:

At 4:00 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Another example of the restaurant gods and the thoughts to improve the menu.

At 10:00 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Watch Natsha Naked!

At 11:19 AM , Anonymous kryssie_cat said...

YAY a new post!

You could memorize all nutritional information about your "up scale" non-ranch sauce; especially the calorie, fat, and carb content. Then every time some vain preppy woman comes in who you can tell is trying with all her might to stop eating so she can be skinny as, like, ya know, those skinny(AKA-starving)African people, you can just spew out the facts and watch the expression on their face.

At 9:37 PM , Blogger CubeGuy said...

Nice blog dude. I killed many cube-hours reading it at work this week.

At 2:35 PM , Blogger purplegirl said...

Oh, the little things that make us happy. :)

At 10:02 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I never understood all this hating on Ranch dressing. The parmesan sounds disgusting. Not everybody likes stinky cheeses.

At 10:40 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...


At 8:04 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Seriously, why the hell do you care
what kind of dressing your customer orders? You don't have to eat it. Try not to get so personally involved with the customer, or just start ordering for them--sheesh!

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