The Insane Waiter

Running wild on customers, chefs, owners and managers since 1997. I bring to you, The Insane Waiter. What do bring to your table? A crisp bottle of San Pellegrino ? Perhaps a lovely seared Sashimi Tuna? Start off with a wonderful bottle from Tuscany perhaps? Why I'll be more than happy to bring you your White Zinfandel and Chicken Caesar. No you can't order the mac and cheese off the kids menu and sorry no, we don't serve cheese sticks....

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Don't, Under any circumstances do the Following...

Now, while the purpose of this blog is to entertain both you and myself, maybe there are some lessons to be learned.

First of I'm not your dog...

Don't whistle, or snap your fingers at me.

Plain and simple.

I'm a person and you will treat me as such.

It is rude and if you think that it isn't take a look at the faces of your neighbors.

There are no threats necessary, but you will be considerate, just as you want us to be considerate to you.

I actually know someone that did an about turn after such and incident and tell his "guest."

"I'm not your dog."

And the guy looked like an asshole in front of his friends, and deservingly so.

Second, don't touch us....EVER!

That means don't grab my arm if I'm at the neighboring table to get my attention.

Don't attempt to put your glass on my tray when I'm going past.

Don't ever try to take anything from me,be it a pen, straw, or a sugar caddy off my tray.

Most of the time I have everything balanced and it takes just one jolt or little bit of weight to knock the six half full glasses of water all over the ground.

Plus I am one of those people who don't like to be touched, and I will reprimand you sternly if you think otherwise.

Don't put your dirty dishes on the table next to you.

I know you don't have much room on your table, but this habit is disgusting.

It dirties a table that I probably took the time to set.

Either I or a busser will be by shortly to pick anything up.

I don't feel like cleaning up after you any more than I have to.

Be an adult and show some patience.

Plus it really is embarrassing when the host goes to seat that table and your side plate full of fat you pulled off your prime rib is where they are going, it is even worse when you put it on their seat.

And thirdly in this little rant never use the phrase.

"Well they did it for us last time."

Either you are lying, or someone didn't feel like hassling with you the last time.

Chances are you are lying.

I don't care if you want Monday's special and its Friday, we don't have it.

Come in Monday.

My favorite is when a buddy of mine had that request.

"Ya I want that special that you had last week with shrimp..."

Ok, there where two different specials for both lunch and dinner for all seven days last week, and out of fourteen possible specials their best guess was it has shrimp.

The cooks have to go out of there way to create something they can't even remember.

It is delivered.

And sent back.

"It's not what I had in mind."

No shit, order off the menu.

We're not BK kids...

Catch you all later!


At 10:42 AM , Anonymous Banshee said...

Add to that list-

Don't talk to me while I'm talking to another table- it's rude to the table as well as to me.

Don't make a checkmark sign in the air or pantomine signing something when you want the check.

If I'm not your server, don't ask me to bring you things, I have enough to do with my own tables. Try looking up when you order so you remember what your server looks like...

'Excuse me' works really well if you want my attention. Touch me and I'll 'accidentally' spill what's in my hand.

When ordering a drink, don't yell out "Barkeep!" at the bartender to get her attention when she is dealing with someone else. A) 'Barkeep' is annoying
and B) I know you're there and I know you need a drink- deal with the fact someone else got there before you!

Whew....thanks waiter, I needed to rant about those.

At 8:21 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

You need to find another line of work...a-hole!

At 12:04 AM , Anonymous TheInsaneWaiter said...

No shit, A-hole...

But in the meantime I have bills to pay...

At 8:00 AM , Blogger Baron Von Lipwig said...

Also add:

-Don't bring your kids out to eat if they can't sit still for an hour and a half. If they have ADD, or if you just haven't been enoughof a parent to show them how to act in a civilized environment, find a fucking baby sitter.

-Don't ask me for ten things at ten different times - ask me for ten things at once. The extra trips you make for me effect my other tables. They shouldn't wait for me because you don't have your shit together.

-Don't grab silverware from another table. If you need a fork, ask. I'll get you one. If you take one from another table, I'll be tempted to give you another one - up your ass.

-Don't go out to eat if any of the following conditions apply to you:

1)You can't treat your server with the simple respect everyone deserves. If you are going somewhere just to complain and be a flaming bitch/asshole don't go out to eat. Here's an alternative - end your useless life.

2)You have dietary restrictions or are just plain picky. It's fine if you have one or two requests like 'no onions' or 'extra salad dressing'. It's fine if you are alergic to shellfish. It's not fine if you order "wings, but make them extra crispy. And half hot, half BBQ. But the hot wings should be mild. Oh, and extra bleu cheese on the side." Also if you are allergic to more than one thing you should stay home in a plastic bubble.

3)Don't go out to eat if you want seperate checks.

4)Don't go out t eat if you consider white zin a wine.

I could go on and on, but I will make this the last one for this comment:

5)Don't go out to eat if you can't afford to leave at least 20% on the total bill.

At 11:41 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

yipes, i am a server and i think that this is just a little OOC, or maybe OCD
you kids are just a little bitchy
i too hate when i get a shoddy tip and when people put their slobbered on chicken bones on a clean table, or whatever, but we are paid to make sure that people are happy. these people pay you to put up with their shit. i think that the more shit you have to put up with, the customer should realize it (they usually do, people know when they are a pain in the ass) and leave a little something extra and i'm not talking verbal.
and for godsakes if you sit at a table for an hour longer than it takes you to eat your food, a few extra bucks is not going to hurt, you can't just sit there and eat up my table and tips just because you want to enjoy the ambiance, eat my ass
okay maybe i am a little OOC too

At 8:18 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm a customer and am enjoying this blog. Being retired, I know every profession has its drawbacks.

I leave from 10 to 30 percent tip, based on service.

Some things that lower tip:

1. No written orders, especially for parties of four or more. 75 percent of the time, somethings wrong with the order.

2. Food arrives late and/or cold.

3. Waitperson never checks back between delivery of food and check.

4. Check not totaled.

5. Waitperson disappears at check time.

6. Young waitperson cals us kids or guys. (We're both 58 and proud of our age.)

7. Bread is day old.

Some things that raise tip:

1. A genuine smile at every stage, not just when the bill is delivered,

2. Prompt service.

3. Right menu items are delivered.

4. You are treated like a human, not an ATM.

5. Hot food served hot and cold cold.


Joe Customer

At 1:31 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have to add one thing to this list. I am a female server and I work in an establishment that is more of a bar that also has a restaurant. The biggest thing for me is: Don't touch me. (yes you said this but I have to add to it) Don't grab my ass, don't hug me, don't put your arm around my waist/shoulders. Just because you think you're leaving me a good tip does not mean you can do whatever you want to me. I am not a prostitute. And most of the time, you're not leaving that great of a tip.


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