The Insane Waiter

Running wild on customers, chefs, owners and managers since 1997. I bring to you, The Insane Waiter. What do bring to your table? A crisp bottle of San Pellegrino ? Perhaps a lovely seared Sashimi Tuna? Start off with a wonderful bottle from Tuscany perhaps? Why I'll be more than happy to bring you your White Zinfandel and Chicken Caesar. No you can't order the mac and cheese off the kids menu and sorry no, we don't serve cheese sticks....

Monday, August 15, 2005

Murphy's Law

Whatever can go wrong will go wrong...

A horribly dead Saturday nite, I'm holding my own and good tips off the few tables I've had.

Well I have a ten top reservation coming in at 7:30

It's getting close to eight, I go up front to see what the story is.

"Well the party is only seven now, they're late." Is the excuse my doe-eyed hostess gives me.

Just then I see four early twenty-something girls dressed in pink, with pink boas and princess crowns.

Whatever can go wrong will go wrong.


It's a bachelorette party.

"Well they're cute and your gonna leave you a great tip," Goes the hostess as she sees the look of horror cross my face.

"No they won't"

Then she said,"Well they'll drink a lot won't they??"


I've been here to many times before to think differently.

The dream of a great ten top with 20% Auto-grat and a $400 bill dissolves into the darkness of my mind.

As I go up to the table with a great big fake smile the head cheerleader spurts out," She's getting married next week!!"

Fake smile still intact "That's wonderful"

Then their missing three friends show up.

Older cousins I think, once beautiful, now just old. I see they still think they have it, I'm telling you they're grasping at straws.

They act accordingly, ordering a bottle of our cheapest chardonnay, for seven of them. (at least its not the white zin)

After the wine presentation I go into my specials spiel, they ignore me and chatter amongst themselves.

Everyone then proceeds to order the cheapest dishes we offer, splitting each item with their friend, no upsells, no salads, just the most mundane and risk free entrees they can think of.

I know I'm screwed.

I hustle and bustle around my section, delivering food, taking orders and the like.

Their food comes out ok and as I do my check back I see that the half a glass of wine that each of them were drinking are all pretty much killed.

"Would you like another bottle?"

Nervous giggles...

Well how much is it again?

"20 bucks"

"Oh I don't know," is the reply.

"Alright then I'll check back in a bit."

A bit comes and goes, no dessert which is just as well, I just want them out.

They ask for split checks of course and I go back to pick them up...

"Keep the change"

Ya, more on that in a minute.

Next bill comes and it has two credit cards and a twenty in it.

If they wanted me to split them up individually that could have been amended earlier

Well with a "twenty on this ten on that," I head to the kitchen and run their cards.

I also open the "keep the change book"

$58 tab

There is sixty bucks in there, I almost shit myself.

As I drop their card off I give a sarcastic smile to the woman that paid...

"Why thank you!"

She just looks at me.

Thank God they're leaving...

I pick up the three way payment.

Four bucks and change on a fifty dollar tab

They take up and an hour and a half of my time, don't bother to change their reservation, hold two of my four tops an hour before they arrive, all for six bucks on a hundred dollar check.

and I have to give half of that to the busser and bartender as tipout...

That leaves me with 3 bucks.

There goes my $200 night.

Easily the worst tip I've had in the last month, maybe longer.

Murphy's law...

It happens to us all.


At 3:29 PM , Anonymous Kelli said...

Dear Insane Waiter:
You are hilarious and I have a question. what is the propper way to tip a buffet server? I went out with a group this weekend and caught one party member removing some of the previously left tip from our table. I told her to put it back and got "Well we waited on ourselves I left too much." I think this the wrong attitude, but couldn't prove my point. Any suggestions?

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At 11:32 PM , Anonymous The Girl said...

Hey, man...

You gotta let the bitter kids know when you update!!

Good stuff, though.

At 1:08 AM , Anonymous TheInsaneWaiter said...

Well It's tough to gauge on buffet servers. I have never been one (and don't plan on it). Not trying to look down on them but it is a thankless job unfortunatly. They also recieve a higher wage than other servers. I guess it depends what they do for you. If they pre-buss and fill drinks, or deliver entrees suck as steak ala Ryan's or Bonanza I'd say 15% is sufficient. If you don't even see them well I wouldn't worry about it, I always tip according to service but usually find myself doing 20% at the minimum and go from there. Then again if you are a waiter/bartender you tend to treat your brother in arms a little better.

Stick to 10% if u don't see them 15+ if u do

At 3:33 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

insane waiter,

maybe you should find something else to do. do you find any fun in your job?

At 7:43 AM , Blogger Kathleen said...

I just don't understand how people get to be of an age where they are old enough to be married but not old enough to know how to tip properly.

I won't even discuss the plate splitting. Bloody hell, buy a whole dinner and take it home for leftovers if you can't eat it all.


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