The Insane Waiter

Running wild on customers, chefs, owners and managers since 1997. I bring to you, The Insane Waiter. What do bring to your table? A crisp bottle of San Pellegrino ? Perhaps a lovely seared Sashimi Tuna? Start off with a wonderful bottle from Tuscany perhaps? Why I'll be more than happy to bring you your White Zinfandel and Chicken Caesar. No you can't order the mac and cheese off the kids menu and sorry no, we don't serve cheese sticks....

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

D.A.R.E. to be on...Meth?

It's a typical Thursday lunch, I have seven tables and am getting rocked.

All the usual tables, a great mix of entry level office drones, self important businessmen, and of course the "Office Ladies tm"

I'm getting ready to flip my tables into another round of ten percenters when a four top drops down.

Three ladies and a "Gentleman," which is a loose term for him indeed...

They look like a sales crew to me, you know, the ones who go door to door and try to sell you a Hustler or Home and Garden, whatever your pleasure may be.

Well I get their requisite waters, and usual salad and soup lunches and think that's it.

As I cruise past the gentleman grabs my arm.


I want to scream.

"Yes sir, can I help you?" I sputter as I try to catch the side of ranch precariously balanced on the edge of the plate I'm carrying.

"Ya can you tell me something?"


"You don't do any of that shit they do around here do you?" He queries.

"What do you mean sir?"

"That Crystal Meth, you don't do that do you?"

Shit, I probably should if it makes dealing with clowns like you any easier.

But of course my answer is, "um no, why?"

"Well that's what you guys do in Iowa isn't? Meth?"

"Not most of us, why would you ask me that?" I stare incredulously at him.

"I just want to know what its like."

Christ, what a dumbshit...

If he actually wanted to know, he could just drag a can of Coors Light on a string through a trailer park, ask one of the scrubs chasing it.

Bet they would have all the information you need.

But no, he had to ask me of all people.

I know I work in a restaurant, but does that mean I have the Crystal hook up??

I might be able to score some brickweed swag from one of the bus boys, but come on.

It seems people think us waiters have all the answers.

I get asked everything from where the "Titty Bar" is to "Is there a whorehouse in town?"

Beyond knowing the number for a cab to take your clown-ass out of my sight, please don't hassle me.

And don't assume I'm a Meth addict because of my pasty disposition and stubbley face, I wasn't up smoking rocks, geez...

I was up all night drinking thoughts of people like you into oblivion.


At 7:00 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I definitely don't have all the answers, but I know that as long as people keep sharing ideas like this, the truth will eventually reveal itself and maybe it can make a difference somewhere.

I think this blog rocks! Keep up the good work, I've bookmarked it and will definitely swing by again soon.

Feel free to pay a visit to my Canada immigration site. It might not be your "cup of tea", but it covers Canada immigration related topics.

At 12:22 AM , Blogger Nonsensical_Flounderings said...

You may want to turn on the word verification feature and disallow anonymous comments so you don't get spamm comments like above.


At 1:17 PM , Blogger Denise said...

What, being a server doesn't automatically make you a drug addict?

That guy sounds like one hell of a dumb cocksucker.

At 4:15 PM , Anonymous Erin said...

I enjoy your rants... happened upon your site through the Juice. Sorry you deal with so many jackasses, I have to work with them in a professional arena. At least you can spit in their food. lol

At 9:48 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I once had a couple that looked like instigators tell me upon my 4th approach to them and they're not deciding on anything, "you're meeting the customers from hell."
to which my reply was, "oh that's okay, i'm the waitress from hell."
doreenT40 at bigredy


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