The Insane Waiter

Running wild on customers, chefs, owners and managers since 1997. I bring to you, The Insane Waiter. What do bring to your table? A crisp bottle of San Pellegrino ? Perhaps a lovely seared Sashimi Tuna? Start off with a wonderful bottle from Tuscany perhaps? Why I'll be more than happy to bring you your White Zinfandel and Chicken Caesar. No you can't order the mac and cheese off the kids menu and sorry no, we don't serve cheese sticks....

Monday, October 24, 2005

Beverage Profiling

All props go to PokerVixxen on Bitterwaitress for this.

So brilliant and true I wish I would have thought of it first.

This is a game we play for fun, we predict what someone will order upon seating, we call it "beverage profiling".

People with weight issues- ice tea or diet

Overdressed teenage girls sporting the latest Ambercrombie fashions- water with lemon and a straw.

Middle aged married couple "costco shoppers"- House wine by the glass.

Really old people-extra hot coffee and it better be fresh!The sober alcoholic-extra hot coffee and it better be fresh, be prepared to brew an extra pot!

Girls Night Out(translation, midlife crisis real estate agents)-cosmopolitans or lemon drops keep em' comin'.

Hick from the sticks- Coors light and white zinfandale.

The friendly gay couple- Nice wine or top shelve martinis.

Just turned 21- jager bombs and specialty drinks.

The Gansta- Hennesey or Courvosier.

The party of six, mom, dad, and kids- shirley temples, one draft beer, one house wine.

"Are you still serving?" people, 5 minutes to close"- anything that has been cleaned, blender drinks, espressos.

business man-nice wine, scotch or whiskey, diet cola if it's lunch.

Country Club Couple- specifications for everything, vodka martini no vermouth, rocks on the side, lemon and lime twist with a tonic water chaser, in a highball.

Old ladies-sweet white wine or hot water.

High maitenance(you can just tell, by the way they sweep the seat before they sit, notify you of the salt grains that are invisible to the untrained eye, complain about it being "too cold", have to have a window seat)- hot tea with milk or hot chocolate.

25 Comments:

At 10:20 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

OH MY GOD! I didn't think it would be that simple. I'm an iced tea girl, and you would probably guess that from my chubby thighs. Although, I just like iced tea; the food I would order would attest to my hatred of dieting....

 
At 11:37 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Funny post, but work on your spelling, dude.

 
At 3:13 PM , Blogger Anonymous Midwest Girl said...

Oh, man, I order hot chocolate all the time. Does that mean I'm high maintnence? I could just be cold!!!

 
At 3:29 PM , Blogger Big Tasty said...

Yeah, I'll have to admit...that's a fun game. I've played the shit out of it in the past when folks would come in and sit down.

What's weird is I'm usually right.

Go for waiting!

 
At 9:57 PM , Blogger mabess said...

Awwwww...you got me!!!

either the diet cola or the house wine...

 
At 10:37 AM , Blogger DrinkingTea said...

Don't forget the tables where the first person orders ice water with lemon, the second orders ice water, no lemon, the third person orders water, no ice no lemon.

The first one will go on to order a salad, dressing on the side. The second will order a salad, no cheese, dressing on the side. The third will order a salad, no cheese, dressing on the side, no croutons. The first one will change their order to remove the cheese, croutons, and tomatoes.

The fourth person at the table orders sweet tea, a grilled cheese sandwich and french fries. The rest of the table devours her french fries one at a time.

 
At 12:23 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

RIGHT ON THE MONEY!! I was scared how you even had me nailed!! eek

 
At 4:30 PM , Blogger poop said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 4:30 PM , Blogger poop said...

no, the people who kill me are the water with lime people. Lime? Lime? then i got this lady that wanted her water with a slice of cucumber... "yes mam" i said because "you just wait for the class war" just wouldn't have been right

 
At 10:02 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nephew, Dude:

I resemble more than one profile. My Gawd!

Love,

Uncle R.

 
At 6:33 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

what people would you say are the ones that ask for water and "alot" of lemon? Annd than watch them squeeze the lemon and add sugar to make their FREE version of lemonade. (so they don't have to pay for a soda.)

Selena

 
At 6:48 AM , Blogger Kirsten said...

I usually go for iced tea or diet soda, or a house wine. So you almost had me nailed - yes I am overweight, and yes i am in a couple but not middle aged. Maybe I am mentally old or something.
(or just mental?)

 
At 8:46 AM , Blogger me said...

i like water with lemon... but i'm not an overdressed teenage girl wearing the latest abercrombie and fitch... i just don't like soda or other drinks anymore. i work out a lot and everything else leaves me feeling thirsty...

normally if i'm out to dinner, i'll order pinot, chardonnay or a nice merlot (yes by the glass but it's at least $8-9)and i usually have 3 or 4... occassionally if i'm with my girls we'll ask the waiter for a good bottle... that's only when we're at the "better" restaurants tho...

i dunno. when i wait tables i don't find the time to guess what people are drinking... i'm too busy trying to remember their order... or fighting with the cook to get the right shit on the plates...

what do 20-35 year old professional females out for dinner and drinks, dressed in tight jeans and revealing shirts usually get?

 
At 2:32 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lemon Drop Martini's or Cosmo's, and they giggle at each other when they order them.

 
At 8:44 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Um,

.. that was sort of a crappy, obvious, not-fun to read post. And, "zinfandale"?! Who's from the sticks.. exactly?

I think waiter rant should recind the link to you.. it's just not .. the quality one would expect from a link from him. Perhaps you could find a different line of work if you hate everyone so much.

 
At 9:37 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

if you don't like the insane server, you don't need to keep reading him anonymous!

Selena

 
At 10:03 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ya, anonymous, I didn't write this post, I gave credit to the one who did on bitterwaitress, you don't like me, don't read me, simple

The Insane Waiter

 
At 10:58 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Anonymous you're a dick, Insane is funny shit

 
At 12:23 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can identify with that, ive played a version of that game with my buddies on the jobs as well.

Regarding High maintenance people doncha just love it how they walk into a crowded restaurant, and then instantly start demanding that you turn the heating up, or the a/c on/off, dim the lights, brighten the lights etc etc. Selfish bastards only care what they want, they dont give a toss about anyone else in the room.

grazza
a sommelier in the UK

 
At 1:11 PM , Blogger Sondra said...

Anonymous, is your self esteem so low that you feel it necessary to try to make people feel like shit ON THE INTERNET? Think about that for a minute, dude. ON THE INTERNET. How sad, and fuck you, too.

Insane, I just want you to know I have weight issues and I drink Coke...if you sell Pepsi products then I will have a Mountain Dew, please! LOL :-)I know you weren't pointing fingers at everyone, just making a statement in general. Too bad some people can't seem to tell the difference. Can you imagine what the world would be like if we were all as literal as ANONYMOUS?

 
At 7:43 PM , Blogger Brad said...

Usually when I go out to eat, I drink water with no lemon with my meal. Water because coke products tend to suppress my appetite, and I LOVE to eat. No lemon because lemons are disgusting to me. Usually I'll drink a beer or two before my meal and maybe a couple more after. If I'm feeling real fiesty, a liquor drink in place of the beer.

But who's grand idea was it to put lime with Coke? I hate these holier-than-thou assholes and the fact that they have to have a fresh lime with every refill. They should die. Allright I got that out of me, I'm cool.

 
At 10:25 PM , Anonymous pokervixxen said...

Zinfan"DALE" was actually used for emphasis for the hicks from the sticks for the way they pronounce it. It was tongue and cheek, although you got it, you failed to see the reference (appearantly humor isn't one of your attributes). I pity the fact that you have to edit someone's blog. Get a life.

 
At 5:27 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I caught the zinfadale comment immediately. It actually made me LOL. I remember being asked what "merrlot" was. I actually had to tell then it was red wine.

 
At 4:49 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

How about pie-not grig-eo

 
At 4:17 PM , Anonymous Trilla said...

Haha, I just turned 21...and waiters tend to look at me funny when they find out I know my wine. (I'm partial to a good Cabernet.)

The perks of being from a Danish family.

 

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