The Insane Waiter

Running wild on customers, chefs, owners and managers since 1997. I bring to you, The Insane Waiter. What do bring to your table? A crisp bottle of San Pellegrino ? Perhaps a lovely seared Sashimi Tuna? Start off with a wonderful bottle from Tuscany perhaps? Why I'll be more than happy to bring you your White Zinfandel and Chicken Caesar. No you can't order the mac and cheese off the kids menu and sorry no, we don't serve cheese sticks....

Monday, October 10, 2005

Damn The French!!!

So usual night, some tables good, some the usual fools...

I go up to greet my latest victims, once again country folk.

Now I'm from a small town and I love people who are prejudiced, hell they amuse me.

As the saying goes, I'm not prejudiced, I hate everyone...

Equally.

Well I greet my table of rubes.

(For those of you in NYC they're the same as those from acrossed the bridge)

"Folks would you like anything to start out with? Perhaps a beer?"

Usually I do the wine sale, but as a business student I know all about demographics.

I'm ready for an answer of, "Ya'll got Cooooooors?" when the unthinkable happens.

The gentleman asks a recommendation for a red wine, I'm thinking Lambrusco but I go into my Red Zin and Pinot Noir spiel.

He looks dumbfounded,"I don't care what it is, as long as it isn't French!"

Damn Frenchies.

He responds further,"I don't support their kind!"

Hell I don't like them either, frog eating surrender monkey non-tippers...

But I dislike hicks even more.

A wicked smile blinks acrossed my features.

Most of our wines are Italian, California and Australia...

But there is one French Merlot, Red Bicyclette.

"Sir do you like merlot?" I query.

"I dunno, ok, as long as it isn't French!"

"Sir, would Red Bike be ok?" I call it by its nickname.

"Uh, ya?"

The wickedness returns,"I'll be right back with your merlot."

I deliver as promised, he tastes it and looks so satisfied.

Truth be told, I am too.

17 Comments:

At 9:42 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Have to disagree with you on this one, Waiter. At least he was smart enough to know the truth about the french.

 
At 10:07 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

No, I agree with you too about the french, just I don't like hicks either.

 
At 11:21 AM , Blogger Sondra said...

(To the commenters): Oh for the love of GOD, stop being brainwashed by Bush. You probably don't even KNOW any French people. Insane Waiter, you did a good job with that guy, as always. What a moron.I hope he left you a good tip!

 
At 12:43 PM , Anonymous Mike said...

So how dumb was your diner? Wouldn't he have seen the label that says Bicyclette? And then noticed where it was "mis en bouteille"? And the fact that it was a "produit de france"?

BTW, I am buying only French wines until we withdraw from Iraq. Seems like a civilized way to make my point.

Love the blog...keep up the good work.

A bientot...

 
At 1:30 PM , Blogger Denise said...

Good way to get revenge on those narrow minded Bushites!

I've had experiences like that where I work when trying to hand-sell French wine. At the time, our bartender was French. Big fucking deal.

That's OK, they'll see for themselves soon enough that Bush won't support them when it comes down to it.

 
At 2:36 PM , Blogger oceanbug said...

HA, HA You are too good!
What did they think of the wine?
Did they read the label? Did they tip decently?

 
At 4:08 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

All I know is this, the French don't tip. I don't know any personally, but in my job them along with Germans and Australians are the worst tippers. They claim ignorance to our little custom, and while they may not know I don't like waiting on hicks much either, at least they know they are to tip for good service.

btw, the table tipped 10% for good service and ordered only by the glass so didn't have any clue to the wine's origin.

The Insane Waiter

 
At 10:07 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

LOL on the wine origin. We once ran out of white zin. I told them, "ohhhh...we don't have OUR white zin, we ran out, HOWEVER, the owner does have his own private stock..it's homemade, and i really shouldn't, but I don't think he'll mind (note: i was the owner LOL)...if that will do?" They bit. I quickly poured a glass of white and added a pinch of red and stirred with a straw, serving in a carafe. THE CUSTOMER LOVED IT AND returned TIME AND TIME AGAIN for "some of that zin," he would mumbled as from then on out, they requested me.
doreenT40 at bigredy

 
At 1:11 PM , Blogger Kate said...

I think I'm in love with you.

 
At 4:17 PM , Anonymous Steve said...

You might have offered them some sparkling "Freedom" wine. The possibilities are endless. Do they still make Boone's Farm? Something from the nearest 7-11 perhaps?

 
At 11:09 PM , Anonymous miaminice said...

If they are from the south then I doubt they could read the label. no harm no foul.

 
At 7:27 AM , Anonymous CurlySue said...

I'd be angry if I was a no-good Yankee too! Let it out, it's healthy!

 
At 8:19 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey, make no mistake about it, I'm American and proud of it. There's no place I'd rather be than here. We're not perfect, but consider most of the alternatives!

I'd die defending our land and people, and God bless those that are doing that this very hour...

The Insane Server

 
At 3:09 PM , Blogger Sondra said...

Insane Server, you are so awesome...keep writing! :)

 
At 12:05 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

What a douchebag. Way to go. I work at a wine bar, and am never sure how to deal with these morons. Unfortunately our menus print the country of origin in bold.

 
At 4:35 PM , Anonymous Bigredcat said...

It's hilarious the way American dis the French. Look a little into US history. It was the French who supported the war of Independence, who helped finance and fight it.

And frankly, their wine is still the tops.

If it wasn't for the French, Bush would be just another asshole from London.

 
At 10:48 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sadly, while there are Americans who braodly diss the French for not going along with Bush's fantasias, there are many other reasons to take issue with the French. About a decade ago, there was a pretty serious boycott of French wines in protest to some of their policies regarding nuclear testing. Would you refuse your customers the option to protest through their dollar in that case too?

(And before any of the kneejerk French lovers respond-- I can assure you, I do know the French. Too well. What concerns me, however, is not exactly what seems to concern the Bush admin. Nor is it the testing issue, actually, which was, as I noted a decade ago.)

Look, I know this is supposed to be funny, but sometimes the contempt feels so extreme, it goes beyond the general misanthropy that I enjoy in others and myself. In fact, this may be why I'm responding: I HATE people and you are making me feel kind of sorry for them. Maybe it's because your contempt, in spite of your claims to hate everyone, seems particularly directed at a particular class of person.

I mean, what NYC bridge are you talking about here?

 

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