Decaf It Is!
Has this ever happened to you? It has many times in the past to me , and I finally did something about it a couple months back. As bad as it may be, it was so satisfying.
Its about the end of the night, I'm down to my last couple tables, and I'm trying to hustle my last tables out the door so I can have a well deserved Crown on the rocks.
So I come up to my table, a couple of upper middle aged women, and do my hopefully last stop of the night.
"Ladies would we like anything else for you tonight?"
Her response was a little stiff,"Aren't you going to offer us coffee?"
My respect for the twelve steps of service is a little low when it's five after closing.
But,"of course ma'am," is the answer.
"Well I want decaf with sugar and cream."
"And I want your home number, if you give me regular I'm going to call you at three in the morning when I can't sleep because of you!" she says with a wry grin. "And it better be fresh!!"
Great, a smart ass I think, I look at her...
She's actually serious!
Shit, the sugar will keep her up as it is, damn, I'm never going to get out of here.
"I wouldn't ever think of giving you regular miss!"
I retreat dutifully...
look at my the time, its fucking 11.05 p.m.
Ya, we have fresh coffee...
She's been a rude pain in the ass all night. I've never been one to mess with another's food, but remember folks, you shouldn't fuck with one that's handling your dinner.
I've had enough of cracks like that, I've heard lies of "I'm allergic to caffeine, I want a decaf mocha with skim and splenda. Well girls, even decaf has caffeine, its just less.
So if you're allergic, it must be a hypocondriac thing, or you're just lying...
And as a Waiter, I've been lied to enough.
One of my favorite moments was when a customer of my friends told him this, "Did you put your finger in my coffee?? It tastes like there was a finger in it!!"
Sheeesh, people sure are finicky about their coffee, its this damn entitleist culture we live in these days, well that's my theory anyways.
So back to my ladies, I retreat to the kitchen, look at the burner, there's about two cups of regular, been on the burner about two hours, and no decaf in sight...
Call me at three in the morning will you!!!
If I was her I wouldn't want to talk to me then, its about the time I'll be getting out of here.
I grab the regular, I look over at the expresso machine, I grab a mug, and hit double shot...
I fill the rest of the mug with regular and hot water, grab the cream and sugar, and hit the door.
As I drop it of I say, "Enjoy Madam!"
She eyes me suspiciously,"This issss decaf right?"
"Of course, I made a new batch just for you."
As I'm tearing down my section I head over and drop the bill...
"How's the coffee? Do you still want my number?" I ask...
"Oh its the best decaf I've ever had! It's great!"
Yes it is...