The Insane Waiter

Running wild on customers, chefs, owners and managers since 1997. I bring to you, The Insane Waiter. What do bring to your table? A crisp bottle of San Pellegrino ? Perhaps a lovely seared Sashimi Tuna? Start off with a wonderful bottle from Tuscany perhaps? Why I'll be more than happy to bring you your White Zinfandel and Chicken Caesar. No you can't order the mac and cheese off the kids menu and sorry no, we don't serve cheese sticks....

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Decaf It Is!

Has this ever happened to you? It has many times in the past to me , and I finally did something about it a couple months back. As bad as it may be, it was so satisfying.

Its about the end of the night, I'm down to my last couple tables, and I'm trying to hustle my last tables out the door so I can have a well deserved Crown on the rocks.

So I come up to my table, a couple of upper middle aged women, and do my hopefully last stop of the night.

"Ladies would we like anything else for you tonight?"

Her response was a little stiff,"Aren't you going to offer us coffee?"

My respect for the twelve steps of service is a little low when it's five after closing.

But,"of course ma'am," is the answer.

"Well I want decaf with sugar and cream."

"Certainly, ma'am."

"And I want your home number, if you give me regular I'm going to call you at three in the morning when I can't sleep because of you!" she says with a wry grin. "And it better be fresh!!"

Great, a smart ass I think, I look at her...

She's actually serious!

Shit, the sugar will keep her up as it is, damn, I'm never going to get out of here.

"I wouldn't ever think of giving you regular miss!"

I retreat dutifully...

look at my the time, its fucking 11.05 p.m.

Ya, we have fresh coffee...

She's been a rude pain in the ass all night. I've never been one to mess with another's food, but remember folks, you shouldn't fuck with one that's handling your dinner.

I've had enough of cracks like that, I've heard lies of "I'm allergic to caffeine, I want a decaf mocha with skim and splenda. Well girls, even decaf has caffeine, its just less.

So if you're allergic, it must be a hypocondriac thing, or you're just lying...

And as a Waiter, I've been lied to enough.

One of my favorite moments was when a customer of my friends told him this, "Did you put your finger in my coffee?? It tastes like there was a finger in it!!"

Sheeesh, people sure are finicky about their coffee, its this damn entitleist culture we live in these days, well that's my theory anyways.

So back to my ladies, I retreat to the kitchen, look at the burner, there's about two cups of regular, been on the burner about two hours, and no decaf in sight...

Call me at three in the morning will you!!!

If I was her I wouldn't want to talk to me then, its about the time I'll be getting out of here.

I grab the regular, I look over at the expresso machine, I grab a mug, and hit double shot...

I fill the rest of the mug with regular and hot water, grab the cream and sugar, and hit the door.

As I drop it of I say, "Enjoy Madam!"

She eyes me suspiciously,"This issss decaf right?"

"Of course, I made a new batch just for you."

As I'm tearing down my section I head over and drop the bill...

"How's the coffee? Do you still want my number?" I ask...

"Oh its the best decaf I've ever had! It's great!"

Yes it is...

Great!

19 Comments:

At 10:09 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey, nephew H. E. J.!

I messed with a customer's food once.

Summer '76.

She came in right at closing time, when, like you, I wanted to get the hell out of there and go home (go party, actually).

Well, the entree she ordered came with two corn tortillas on the side and I'll be damned if there wasn't only one left in the steamer.

So I reached into the trash can and picked out an unused, uneaten, otherwise wasted food/thrown away corn tortilla and placed it on the bottom of the basket, with the good one on top!

I don't know if she ate the bottom corn tortilla or not.

Didn't concern myself with it.

You don't believe I did this?

Ask your Uncle A.!

LOVE, Uncle R.

 
At 10:57 PM , Anonymous gRANT said...

I think you are the most amazing person alive. Well right now at least.
-gRANT
www.grantb88.com

 
At 11:50 PM , Blogger Faith said...

oh man :( hahahaha

 
At 3:22 AM , Blogger oryoki said...

is it the chicken or the egg

do these people always freek about reg and deek because they've been served regular so many times by jerks

or

do they get served regular all the time because they bust so many balls?

my response to "are you sure it's de-caf" is to tell them in a rather lengthly and patronizing way ... well i hope the coffee company put the correct beans in the package, and i hope who ever put the beans in the grinder used the correct side, and i hope who ever brewed this pot used the correct beans, and i hope they used the pot marked de-caf because that's the one in my hand.

the other solution is to always brew de-caf for both pots. saves on time and effort and your never have to consider that jerk phoning the poor slob with the bogus number you gave the customer

 
At 5:41 AM , Blogger greensatya said...

Lol! you are evil !!

anyway that was good.

 
At 9:32 AM , Blogger Sondra said...

Nicely done, server...she will NEVER know the difference.

 
At 1:29 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

oops
i guess your uncle r is your uncle r
sorry if offended in my last response to the last blog
didn't know he was an insider! ;-)
M

 
At 2:59 PM , Anonymous LMAO said...

that was effin' awesome

 
At 4:55 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are so great!!!! I've heard the "is it fresh" line a zillion times at 1 in the morning when we close at 2 or the "it better be decaf"...I hate these people!

 
At 2:34 PM , Blogger me said...

it's not the "is the coffee fresh?" thing that gets me... it's the "i'd like fresh milk" thing that gets me...

cuz i'd serve you milk that's been sitting out for the last five days in the summer sun and has a mind of it's own

WE WOULDN'T BE IN BUSINESS PEOPLE!

 
At 2:39 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

hee, hee, sooooo evil..waaaahaaaa,
I love it!
You Rule.

 
At 10:07 AM , Blogger Dave said...

Just a view from the other side from someone with a caffeine intolerance. For years I drank regular coffee, cola, iced tea (my summertime weakness) until I began getting heart palpitations. After undergoing a number of tests with a cardiologist, it was determined that it was a reaction to caffeine. I had to cut everything with caffeine out of my diet. The feeling that my heart was skipping beats was just a bit too scary, especially after losing a brother at 36 to a heart attack. Decaf in moderation isn't a problem, so I often order it when dining out. The difference is that I'm not a prick about it. If you have it, great. If it's not a problem to make a fresh pot, even better. My appreciation is always verbal and monetary. If it's a problem to get a cup of decaf after dinner, no biggie, I'll hit the drive-through on the way home.
Just thought I'd let you know that not everyone who orders decaf is doing it to be a pain in your ass.

 
At 12:25 PM , Anonymous nia said...

my reaction was: oh damn, when I read that u mixed espresso to her already not decaf coofee, that s honestly very very bad, lolll but so funny.
i must say, some people deserve that kind of treatment:P

last week I wasa at styarbuck and i asked for a moka and toffee nut frappucino, i =always ordered that and it s always very good
but the one the guy served me was kinda white and my mom's who asked for a moka frap got a more brownish one...so i asked the guy if there was moka in it, he said yes. i tasted it, didn t taste like moka at all plus there was a hair on the top of the drink.
i returned it but the guy looked angry...
i believe i was polite, but anyways, i guess since there was a big line he was kinda nervcous. well that s fine i won t go back to that particular starbuck.

 
At 6:40 PM , Blogger Turtle said...

You're totally evil.

lol. ;D

 
At 8:52 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

My son, who likes coffee but isn't allowed caffiene, often tries to order decaf at restaurants. I tell him "No," because I've looked over at the empty decaf pot and at the crowded restaurant, and I've explained to him the situation. He understood. Perhaps if for some inexplicaple reason, he becomes addicted to decaf--he'll remember this when he's an adult.

 
At 1:52 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Caffine gives me heart palpatations, which feels horrible. I think that was mean!!

 
At 7:36 PM , Anonymous April said...

Anonymous (1:52 pm) needs to drink water, not decaf... friggen pains in the ass! Great blog, by the way!

 
At 12:44 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

While I won't make a comment on the particular person you served that night, there really are people who are not allow to drink large quantity of caffeine, usually due to heart conditions. It is possible some people who are "allergic" to caffeine just find it a lot easier than going into depth about a medical condition (like my friend who managed to contract rheumatic fever leaving her with a weak heart). Now, anyone who asks for your phone number so they can call you when they're awake at 3am is just being a jerk, but pick your battles.

 
At 2:57 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Crowning moment of awesome right there.

 

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