The Insane Waiter

Running wild on customers, chefs, owners and managers since 1997. I bring to you, The Insane Waiter. What do bring to your table? A crisp bottle of San Pellegrino ? Perhaps a lovely seared Sashimi Tuna? Start off with a wonderful bottle from Tuscany perhaps? Why I'll be more than happy to bring you your White Zinfandel and Chicken Caesar. No you can't order the mac and cheese off the kids menu and sorry no, we don't serve cheese sticks....

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Do We Just Sit Anywhere?


That's what the sign read on the table.

What part of that long and pretentious word do some guests not understand?

The first part?

So the smoking section has four "boof's" and two tables, I have signs on all tables.

I'm busy throwing together an eight top when I notice a group slyly sneak into a booth.

Shit, I know its reserved for 7:00.

"Excuse me folks, that tables reserved for another party," I say.

"But we want to sit here."Not the answer I was looking for.

"Sir, we don't seat ourselves here, the hostess will be more than happy to help you out."

"But we want to sit here," he says.

"Sorry sir it's reserved."

"We sit here all the time," he says.

I've never seen him before and I've been here since the opening.

"I'll be right back sir."

I walk up to the host desk and explain the situation to the manager.

Like he knows how to make any kind of decision.

"Seat 'em." He says.


I hate rewarding assholes that throw a fit.

Screw it, I walk up to the group and tell them that we can squeeze them in.

Smiling smugly the alpha male eases back in to his seat.

I take their drink orders, a couple Keers Lights, sorry we don't carry Booosh Light, and a couple glasses of...

You guessed it...

White zinfandel

I return with four menus, as I start to set them down Alphalfa Male holds his hands up in refusal.

"We're only here for drinks."

Shit, as stated earlier, we have very limited seating for smoking thus necessitating our policy that it is dining only, we do have a very nice full service bar however.

I cringe internally as I relay the policy.

"This is ridiculous!" He states.

Yes it is.

Imagine going to a full service restaurant and being expected to order dinner.

That's just silly.

Of course there is a loophole.

He snags a menu and a few minutes later orders onion rings...

Which of course we don't have.

"Well can't you go back and cut up some onions?" He questions.

I suppose I could, but at this point I don't care.

The answer.


They order something else grudgingly and I'm off to service my real tables.

You know, the ones that go out to eat to actually dine.

Of course the table that was showing all signs of leaving orders a round of after dinner drinks and a desert to split.

7:00 rolls around.

Our anorexic "model" hostess comes up to me.

"I need a table open now, your reservation is here."

"I'll do my best to hurry someone out of here." I say.

I go up to my pal's table and start removing their finished appetizer plates,"Is there anything else I can get for you?"

Two Keer's Lights it is.


I slide my desert table's check onto their table.

Help me Obi Wan, you're my only hope.

"I'll be right back to pick that up folks."

One of the guests picks it up, looks over the tab, and puts it back on the table, then proceeds to rest his arm over the book.


The frantic hostess comes back up, it's 15 after the hour, and my smoking reso is getting impatient.

My section is stagnant.

I can plainly see no one is getting up in the next five minutes.

The reservation decides a table in the bar is better than nothing.

Later in the night I see them dining on steaks and enjoying a nice bottle of Syrah.

Nice $200 table right there.

My hick friends are on their fourth round of shitty beer and adult kool aid.

Total Bill.


And they sit there for nearly three hours chain smoking and wondering why we don't have a TV with racin' on it.

Bastards cost me a fat table and maybe another table turn.

But their $4 tip sure made up for it.


At 5:30 PM , Anonymous cavemegem said...

Boot the hicks -- they were sitting at *somebody else's* table. They were *rude* about robbin' you, too. Effin' sucks.

At 7:10 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

You should not have let them get away with it - don't let it happen again.

At 7:51 PM , Blogger Sondra said...

Hard to handle that situation when you're supposed to be professional, therefore grabbing them by the collars of their Nascar racing coats and throwing their asses outside in front of the door was not an option. Ya did what ya had to do. It does suck.

At 7:47 AM , Blogger Kirsten said...

If I was one of the people who had the reservation, I would be really pissed off. The lazy manager should have gone over and told the people that table was taken not let them have it. There are always gonna be idiots who ask for stuff they don't deserve. Thing is people shouldn't just give it to them to avoid confrontation.

At 10:24 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

After telling them that the table had been reserved, I would have just never taken their order and made sure that none of the other waiters grabbed the table.

At 11:23 AM , Blogger Julia said...

It sounds like your manager is a wimp and an ass-kisser. What a doof!

At 12:17 PM , Blogger Brad #1 said...

You should have let them sit, but let them know that the table is reserved for 7:00, and you would need for them to pay and be out by 6:45. If they still didn't like it, boot 'em. That's exactly the reason I don't serve keers light, and when people ask me why, I tell them, "because of people like you.", and walk away.

At 2:25 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hate incosiderate people like that, it seems that they bested you this time. Next time just say NOOO WAY the table is reserved, sorry you can sit in the bar!

At 5:08 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dude, your manager sucks. You need to go work for a real restaurant.

At 5:51 PM , Anonymous badmanager said...

When I was managing I would always give the smoking section to my least favorite server - let that loser deal with the low-lifes.

At 9:37 PM , Blogger Fly Girl said...

Why is it that business always choose to reward bad behavior? Is it any wonder that it continues?

At 3:52 PM , Blogger Chance said...

ALL the manager's fault. Stupid, stupid man. The policies are there for a reason. Doesn't he want the restaurant to make money?

At 2:20 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

wow.. that was completely the manager's fault... i haven't even worked in fine dining and our managers would never let that happen.. or they would have told the people they had to be out by 6:45 if they desperately needed to have that very table..

and oh.. i LOVE the whole resting your arm on the check minder routine.. but it's even better when it's your last table of the night and once they pay you can check out.. ugh!

At 1:57 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

What assholes. Your manager was a worthless wimp. It would have been satisfying to gun down the entire table and watch them bleed through their NASCAR shirts.


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