The Insane Waiter

Running wild on customers, chefs, owners and managers since 1997. I bring to you, The Insane Waiter. What do bring to your table? A crisp bottle of San Pellegrino ? Perhaps a lovely seared Sashimi Tuna? Start off with a wonderful bottle from Tuscany perhaps? Why I'll be more than happy to bring you your White Zinfandel and Chicken Caesar. No you can't order the mac and cheese off the kids menu and sorry no, we don't serve cheese sticks....

Monday, January 16, 2006

I Love Kids.

So I made the mistake of headed to a local "bar" and grill Sunday morning with girlfriend.

And yes I mean bar in the loosest of terms, Okoboji Grill for you locals.

Also I decided to bring my real GF, not the imaginary one I've carried in the back of my mind for a bit, come to think of it a few of you could stand to get laid once in a while from the sounds of it.

But I digress.

I spent a summer bartending for the same company several years back at a different location, a few times a week I picked up a wait shift for the extra cash.

Today I was here strictly for cheap booze to kill the remnants of the night before and for a lil grease for the tummy.

I was telling my lady friend horror stories of the few Sunday shifts I picked up, tales of obnoxious racing fans and drunk football assholes and such when I hit upon the goodie.

Kids Eat Free Sundays.

Then I realized what day it was, just then they got slammed.

Mobs and mobs of children with their trashy zookeeper like parents.

Made the best case I've seen yet for the Freedom of Choice crowd that I've ever heard.

It seems the sole reason for this day to exist was so the trailer park could empty for the day.

I bet the next destination for these demon spawn is 31 flavors and a sample of each one, with no purchases of course.

Maybe their prior stop was at the supermarket for sample day as an appetizer course.

There's "Progressive Dining" for you.

I figured a move to the bar itself would be a good choice about the time a creepy looking mongoloid child walked up to my table and stared at me while drooling.

Damn, the kids in Village of the Damned seemed cuddlier.

As each table arrived I felt more and more for the waitress, she was running her ass off as boys were racing to see how fast they could drink their Mountain Dews and girls were crying for "more cherries!"

I spied another kid crushing crackers up with his hands and throwing them all over the floor, all while his mom took another drag of her GPC cigarette while trying to maneuver a fried chicken gizzard into the vast abyss of her mouth.

Wow, holy flashback.

I remember being where that poor waitress was, dodging children as they ran under your legs, the occasional high pitched shriek of "SHUT UP" as a parenting tool.

I know I rarely acted like that as a kid, I knew what was coming to me when I got home.

And believe me, when I did act up I got what was coming to me and rest assured that kind of business didn't happen again for a long time.

What's sad is the parents, they're as bad as the kids.

Most of those who come in are either "church people" who deserve and will get their own rant or the pick of the litter on the state welfare roles.

Later that afternoon as I drive to work with its linen set tables and Riedel wine glasses, I remember that waitress.

Chances are I won't have any kids tonight, they're a rarity.

Her job is much harder than mine, I think those days at that transitional job are the ones that made me bitter, nothing like getting stiffed every other table and having to deal with that shit for free.

45 Comments:

At 8:28 PM , Anonymous Steve said...

Good one

 
At 9:30 PM , Anonymous Eustacia Vye said...

I eat at a restaurant that has kids eat free every day.

Dumbest question I've heard... "So, the kids eat free, is that just off the kids menu?"

No, you stupid bitch, your kid can get a $18 steak and shrimp combo (which you'll end up eating most of) for free just cause we loooooove children.

It gets abused like crazy. It's supposed to only be 10 and under, but no one adheres to that.

 
At 11:12 PM , Blogger Becky said...

i was never more happy than the day we gave up kids eat free weekends... oh yes folks you heard right...all weekend every weekend!!

 
At 11:32 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I avoid places that are the slightest bit child friendly, and judging by the number that go out of business I'd say I'm not alone, Sounds like a really dumb marketing plan.

 
At 12:37 AM , Blogger Sondra said...

Hey! I have a kid but she is a very well mannered, shy, adult like almost 13 year old. (In other words, NOTHING AT ALL LIKE ME..THANK GOD.)She is very well behaved and if she acted like a heathen in public, I would have BEAT HER ASS. I've been to O'Charley's when we lived in Florida, where kids could eat free on Tuesdays or something (when she was younger) but it does seem a bit tacky for me. I always tipped like I paid for it, though..I am a ridiculously high tipper. I mean, I get in trouble with my friends who don't understand what it's like to be a server. This weekend, four of us went to Don Pablo's and my drunken friends were assholes to the waitress, running her ragged. I paid for me and one other friend (I never ask for seperate checks anymore) and the bill was $30.15. I gave her $45.15 and watched as my other friends dumped a bunch of change on the table. When they got up to walk out, I scooped up the change and dropped a $20 in its place. Our two bills totaled around $62 and she got $35. I feel damn good about that.

 
At 10:19 AM , Blogger AWE said...

My "In-laws" have children, when they go out the kids make a mess and they will not leave over a couple dollars tip. This pisses me off and I have told them. We don't eat together much now.

 
At 12:11 PM , Blogger oceanbug said...

I saw this horrid child of about 7 yrs old, at a fairly nice resturant overlooking the ocean, dumping his juice on the windows and licking the window!! The parents said nothing to the kid!
It was disgusting, kids today for the most part are not diciplined anymore.

 
At 1:06 PM , Blogger Sondra said...

Oceanbug, that is way over the top! If my kid would've been doing that and I told her to stop it and she didn't, I would have hauled her into the bathroom and blistered her ass so that she would think twice about not respecting others in public. That kind of shit just pisses me off. Is it any wonder you see these out of control teenagers on the Maury Povich show and shit? Jeezus Christ!

 
At 1:24 PM , Blogger Brad #1 said...

I used to manage a place that did the kids eat free on Thursdays. One of the worst things that I saw was the parents of 2 kids would come in, order 2 kids meals and a chicken quesadilla. The parents would give the quesadilla to the kids to share, and the parents would eat the kids meals. How cheap!!

 
At 1:36 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Eustacia:

That's not an obviously stupid question. My kids are 6 and 4. They don't eat the usual artificial junk that is often found in the "Kids' menu" - they eat real food, just in small portions. Sometimes we split an adult portion between them. sometimes they get a side order of vegetables plus some of my entree.

 
At 2:17 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

As I've said in previous comments, I wait tables and bartend in a child-friendly restaurant in Beverly Hills...

We have no kids eat free thing, but we do have benefits for local schools where a portion of the sales will go to a school--that's when the beasts come out.

Every single one of your stories that have the words, "then they came from their trailer and..." or "white trash" or other is figured in, substitute "Rich Asshole" and the exact same thing happens...

It's those damned people at the opposite ends of the economic spectrum with their sense of entitlement!

 
At 2:48 PM , Blogger KFarmer said...

Most parents are afraid or just not interested enough to give their children a little guidance for misbehavior. It disturbs me- look around, it's scarey.

BTW- love your blog

 
At 3:29 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nephew Dude:

I said, "HEY! NEPHEW DUDE!"

What's wrong with hitting the supermarkets on sample days?

I resemble that remark!

In my native city I used to hit the most pretentious supermarket in town on their Sample Saturdays
for the best free lunches ever.

Love,

Uncle R.

 
At 3:58 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

"So I made the mistake of headed to a local "bar" and grill Sunday morning with girlfriend."

Do you speak English?

 
At 4:24 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sure he does, he just does not spell check or maybe he does not see very well- who knows or who cares?

I know very well what he meant to say. We all make mistakes-so what? I would call you an ugly name but why be redundant? I am sure with all your cute remarks Mr. and/or Ms. Ano you have had your share.

 
At 4:48 PM , Anonymous badmanager said...

I think he probably just types away furiously and hits "post". He doesn't bother to spell-check or proofread because he's afraid he might not like what he's written. This way at least something gets posted.

 
At 4:49 PM , Anonymous badmanager said...

Then again maybe he's just an idiot waiter - oops, redundant!

 
At 4:54 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your wrote: I figured a move to the bar itself would be a good choice about the time a creepy looking mongoloid child walked up to my table and stared at me while drooling.

Would you mind clarifying? What are you trying to say here? Are you writing about an actual downs kid? Suggesting someone looked like a downs kid? Articulating anger that a downs kid approached you? Why use the term mongoloid? So it distances the harm done if we think it's a downs kid? I am so not getting this part (clearly), and could use your help.

Now, before you get to calling me a hater, please note that I'm asking for clarification so I can understand you better.

As for the rest, I'm pretty sure you made a convincing case for Zero Population Growth. But then, I was always on their side. Guess you best call me a hater after all.

 
At 5:32 PM , Anonymous badmanager said...

"...a creepy looking mongoloid child walked up to my table and stared at me while drooling."

Anyone who's waited tables on "Kids Eat Free!" night knows exactly what this child looks like - in fact I can picture him right now with a big snot bubble, stained Sponge Bob t-shirt, and his filthy fingers stuck in his mouth.

Something tells me that no amount of clarification would help poor confused anonymous.

 
At 7:04 PM , Anonymous pokervixxen said...

She's just looking for something to be "offended" by.

 
At 11:48 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

She found it. "Mongoloid" is pretty offensive. You wouldn't be defending him if he described the child as a "Spic" or "Nigger".

 
At 5:00 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Especially when you are one
LMAO

 
At 10:17 AM , Anonymous Curious said...

I have a four year old boy and even though he has his moments, for the most part he behaves himself when we go out.

If he doesn't, he simply finds himself sitting in a booster seat or high chair (which he hates) or being taken out of the restaurant until he can behave properly again. It's not the wait staffs responsiblity to be his babysitter, nor should they have to have him underfoot and causing problems.

Not ALL parents today let their children behave like that...though sadly more and more do. Maybe it's the fear of spanking? Laziness? Or just the fact that today's generation of parents were raised by damn "socially conscious" yuppies, that believe you can teach a child to behave by letting them do whatever the hell they want to (kids have to express themselves, don't you know)

I'm a parent and I often avoid places where there will be a lot of children. The disdain for those places is not limited to the childless...

 
At 10:23 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Um, how is asking for clarification "looking to be offended"? It seems that the effort is avoid this stance.

The fact is, "Mongoloid" is an offensive term, and the use of this term to paint a portrait of an undesirable is kind of troubling. A vivid description of a nasty, dribbling, kid is one thing. Having to qualify the description with terms that are in themselves nasty suggests hostility and ignorance. I wanted to give Secret the chance to explain. How is that "being offended"?

It is a shame that when faced with the opportunity to question something, the immediate response is to get angry and dismissive. What is so much at stake here? What do you risk when you ask questions?

And yes yes, I know: If I dare question anything, I had best leave the blog entirely.

Insane Waiter: Love it or Leave it. These colors don't run. Woo hoo!

 
At 11:49 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mongoloid is not a term that's even used anymore. I can't remember the last time I heard it. It's archaic and disrespectful when used to describe a Down's victim.

My dictionary doesn't even offer that definition. It only describes a Mongoloid as a person of Mongolian descent, which is how the term originally came to be used as a descriptor for Down's Syndrome: the facial features were seen by westerners to resemble the Asian characteristics.

I'll give the writer the benefit of the doubt and assume he used the word out of ignorance. You can't convince me that he's smart enough to be mean.

 
At 12:31 PM , Anonymous badmanager said...

Attention Insane Waiter this is the PC police, you are under arrest for using the term "Mongoloid" to describe a trailer child, who may or may not be afflicted with Down's syndrome -- most likely not, but some posters seem to be having trouble figuring that one out. Since they are offended, we have no choice but to throw your ass in PC Prison. Back away from the keyboard and keep your hands where we can see them.

 
At 12:56 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love you Insane Waiter! Let's make mongoloid children together...

 
At 1:04 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Before you all get upset, please keep in mind that, in Iowa, calling someone a mongoloid is actually a compliment.

 
At 5:51 PM , Anonymous pokervixxen said...

Hahaha!!!
The post was hilarious! Lighten up!!

ANONYMOUS SAID..."Mongoloid" is pretty offensive. You wouldn't be defending him if he described the child as a "Spic" or "Nigger"."

Seriously, you're really reaching there. There is a vast difference between "mongoloid" and the "N" word.

 
At 6:42 PM , Blogger First Year said...

Kids in bars that arent specifically trying to get kids to come to them....now thats classy. I worked in a smoky pool hall type place or awhile and the number of small children in there was a shock to me. But then again I should not be so shocked by the trashiness of some.

 
At 9:28 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's interesting. Those of you aggressively defending the use of the word "mongoloid" continue to resort to dismissiveness (e.g Pokervixxen's "lighten up") and defensiveness (in one case, Badmanager's excessively dystopic idea of a "PC Prison"-- how did discussing word choice and its implications ever become an attempt for anyone to silence Inane Waiter?) It is shocking to see how much a question or comment can inflame.

Then again, seeing how any comment or critique is automatically lumped in with "hating" or comparing Inane to Waiterrant (I couldn't care less if you sounded like him or not), it seems to be a resistance to any kind of thinking. Easier to battle straw men than to think about things. And probably easier to shriek "lighten up" than to relax, realize there's no attack, and think a bit.

But yeah, clearly "mongoloid" is something to which y'all aspire.

And such discussions are what I get for popping by a blog situated out of Iowa.

 
At 10:49 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lighten up, Anon. Yeah, the blog sucks but the comments are worth coming back to.

 
At 11:10 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

"It is shocking to see how much a question or comment can inflame."

Only if your head is firmly planted in sand. The request for clarification was either rhetorical or naive - best ignored either way.

 
At 12:00 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yes, you're right, I was neither shocked, nor suprised. Just disgusted.

What rhetorical strategy do you advise, then?

 
At 12:23 PM , Anonymous badmanager said...

Well, I'd have to advise you not to take things you read here so seriously, and to look for enlightenment someplace you are more likely to find it, like maybe East Dystopia?

 
At 12:28 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

The pretentious, anonymous commenter bashers at waiterrant are far more condescending than the ones here.

 
At 12:45 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mongoloid he was a mongoloid
Happier than you and me
Mongoloid he was a mongoloid
And it determined what he could see
Mongoloid he was a mongoloid
One chromosome too many
Mongoloid he was a mongoloid
And it determined what he could see

And he wore a hat
And he had a job
And he brought home the bacon
So that no one knew
Mongoloid he was a mongoloid
His friends were unaware
Mongoloid he was a mongoloid
Nobody even cared

-Devo

 
At 6:50 PM , Anonymous pokervixxen said...

LMAO!!! Awesome!!!
If you LOOK for things to be offended by, they will come.

Of all the racial insults, I have yet to hear about mongoloid being in that catagory.

Seriously,Anon, dramatic much?

 
At 8:48 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Of all the racial insults, I have yet to hear about mongoloid being in that catagory."

Then you don't get around all that much.

 
At 11:04 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Considering how much time your spending on here, I would have to say I get around a whole lot more than your mongoloid ass.
Never in my life have I heard of a civil right movement banning the use of the term. Give it up.

 
At 1:32 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Sure he does, he just does not spell check or maybe he does not see very well- who knows or who cares? "

Since his visions of grandeur include a fantasy of publishing some of this stuff, I guess he would.

It isn't he 'doesn't see well' or any of that: it's laziness. On the length of these posts, a spell check might take...oh...10 seconds?

I would recommend reading "Quality is Free". People behave consistently. If you cheat at golf, you most likely cheat in business. If you publish sloppy writing...well, you can connect the dots.

I'm not attacking the waiter so much as getting tired of the bullshit defense "I know what he means." If I owed you $1000 and wrote you a check for $100, would you "know what I mean"?

 
At 2:09 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Shit, I'd offer a book deal with a fat advance for some of these comments.

 
At 4:28 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're a fucking retard, nuff said, pc enough for ya?

 
At 5:19 PM , Anonymous retard said...

Would you mind clarifying? What are you trying to say here? Are you writing about a retard? Suggesting someone posted like a retard? Articulating anger that I'm a retard? Why use the term retard? I am so not getting this part (clearly), and could use your help.

Now, before you get to calling me a hater, please note that I'm asking for clarification so I can understand you better.

 
At 10:08 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Never in my life have I heard of a civil right movement banning the use of the term. Give it up."

I guess you haven't come across the Disability Rights Movement then. We don't get much media coverage but we're working to reduce the use of terms like Mongoloid, gimp, 'deaf and dumb', etc.

Taken directly from Wikipedia:
"The term Mongoloid was formerly used to describe people with Down syndrome, but it has fallen into disuse as it is generally considered offensive."

Insane, you could easily have substituted a more descriptive, less offensive word to describe the gross little kid, but what's done is done. I still enjoy reading your blog.

 

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