The Insane Waiter

Running wild on customers, chefs, owners and managers since 1997. I bring to you, The Insane Waiter. What do bring to your table? A crisp bottle of San Pellegrino ? Perhaps a lovely seared Sashimi Tuna? Start off with a wonderful bottle from Tuscany perhaps? Why I'll be more than happy to bring you your White Zinfandel and Chicken Caesar. No you can't order the mac and cheese off the kids menu and sorry no, we don't serve cheese sticks....

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Murphy's Law Top 10

From Wikipedia:

Murphy's law (also known as Finagle's law or Sod's law) is a popular adage in Western culture, which broadly states that things will go wrong in any given situation. "If there's more than one way to do a job, and one of those ways will result in disaster, then somebody will do it that way." It is most commonly formulated as "Anything that can go wrong will go wrong." In American culture the law was named after Major Edward A. Murphy, Jr., a development engineer working for a brief time on rocket sled experiments done by the United States Air Force in 1949.

Very easily applicable to the wait service industry.

So here's your Top 10 of the day.

10. You will be sat a highly irritating table and be immediately cut from the floor afterwards.

9. Your 20 top that you've been bragging to your friends about will only order appetizers and drinks, when offered dinner they will say something like,"Oops, I filled up on that free bread," or "oh, we only wanted drinks," its a restaurant folks, not a sports bar.

8. The same 20 top will have only 12 guests arrive and they will spread out over the entire table ensuring that your dream section will never be fully sat, thus costing you at least two table turns of customers.

7. The host will either seat you four tables at once, or not seat you at all.

6. The first round of tables will only order salads and leave you 10% on their ridiculously small dinner bill.

5. All tables that include children will try to have their spawn order for themselves or say please and thank you, even at the age of three, you will then sit there for five minutes trying to decipher baby talk.

4. If you turn down any request for any reason the customer response will be,"well they did it for us last time."

3. If you forget to auto-grat a large group you will immediately receive a 10% total tip, even if the bill is $500+.

2. On a slow night, when you haven't had a new table in over an hour and a half, one will show up ten minutes after close, at which point you will be forced at gunpoint by the manager to wait on them.

1. Said table, despite their easy order, will hang out for at least an hour and a half, even though the restaurant is closed, when leaving they will take both copies of their credit card ensuring no tip.


At 4:29 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nephew Dude:

Before some anonymous or not anonymous shit-head weighs in, where's #4?

What do you mean on #10 when you say "be immediately cut from the floor afterwards"?


Uncle R.

At 5:06 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

re: #10 -- because you still have to wait on the assholes; if you'd been cut 2 minutes earlier they'd be someone else's problem.

At 5:15 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

If you take both copies of the credit card receipt, therefore eliminating a tip, does the waiter still have the name of the card holder on the computer?

At 12:33 AM , Anonymous Michelle said...

4. If you turn down any request for any reason the customer response will be,"well they did it for us last time."

This one disgusts me so much. I usually get off on the fact that they are going to stir in their seats when I tell them they just cannot whatever the hell they are trying to swindle out of me.

That sick satisfaction of mine makes me feel better about getting a shitty tip.

At 9:10 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

From #3, how can you forget to add the automatic gratuity? I mean, if it's automatic...

If it _isn't_ automatic, then your POS is a POS. Heh-heh.

At 9:26 AM , Blogger Segue said...

Clever post.

At 9:38 AM , Blogger Voodoo76 said...

9a should read "When you need to actually make money for rent, car payment, etc., you'll have your worst night of the month. When you come in with money in the bank and not really needing to make anything, you'll have you're best night in 3 weeks." 13 years waiting tables and bartending has taught me that law of Mr. Murphy.

At 10:57 AM , Blogger Cricket said...

Right on!

Anon, where I work management has to do the gratuities to verify that there really are the right number of people at the table.

At 11:53 AM , Blogger AWE said...

I have been leaving a restaurant at closing and have seen a group come in. I know the staff has to be pissed, but if that were me I would tip very well.

At 3:25 PM , Blogger Voodoo76 said...

I meant to put this in my previous comment, but I'm going to give myself a shameless plug....

Love to hear what everybody thinks.....

At 4:44 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I like your blog voodoo, but you've only posted 5 times in 10 months, and no anonymous comments? Good luck.

At 7:22 PM , Anonymous Steve said...

You forgot
10a. No flirting with Mrs Murphy

At 1:48 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

when confronted with #4 "well they did it last time.."

i enjoy responding with "well, they made a mistake.. they really weren't supposed to do that.. i'd get in trouble if i did it.. sorry.. i can't *polite smile*"

f that.



Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home