The Insane Waiter

Running wild on customers, chefs, owners and managers since 1997. I bring to you, The Insane Waiter. What do bring to your table? A crisp bottle of San Pellegrino ? Perhaps a lovely seared Sashimi Tuna? Start off with a wonderful bottle from Tuscany perhaps? Why I'll be more than happy to bring you your White Zinfandel and Chicken Caesar. No you can't order the mac and cheese off the kids menu and sorry no, we don't serve cheese sticks....

Saturday, November 19, 2005


So its my day off, great day to be alive...

It's my 25th!

Knowing I have a few errands to run before the debauchery begins I head over to the local grocery store for some supplies.

I see a piece of cake and load it into my cart.

Upon checking out my groceries the cashier starts to ring in my purchases, she reaches to pull the cake across her scanner...

I touch her on the wrist..."But, it's my birthday?!"

She gives me a fuck off look, shakes free and rings it in...

Befuddled I head out to renew my health insurance...

At the office I look over my premium, looks a little hefty this time.Looking at my agent I as,"Well its my birthday, don't I get something?"

He is taken aback,"What do you want, a discount?"

"Well... It is my birthday..."

He throws me a bic pen with his logo on it, at least that's something.

Getting back in the car I head out to the post office.

I need to purchase some stamps.

When I arrive I head up to the window and ask for a book of them, I plead once again, "It's my birthday, can't I get a free stamp?"

I am told to hit the bricks

.See where I'm going here.

In the bar and restaurant business some God-awful corporate restaurant thought it would be good for business to give away cookies and ice cream, cake, sundaes or whatever.

This spread like a virus to every nook and cranny of the service industry.

I personally have been lied to dozens of time just so someone can save five bucks on their bill.

Bartenders I know will make the worst shots possible when asked for a birthday drink...

Think Three Wise Men with tabasco or Bailey's and lime juice...

The good ole cement mixer.

The restaurant I work in now doesn't do desserts like this.

It makes my fucking year let me tell you.

I was so tired of handing out a birthday dessert only to see the same table in there a month later with the same "birthday."

Only the stupid and cheap play that game.

At least 3 times I was the same server as before, and it teaches kids that being a freeloader and lying and cheating people is ok.

Plus they have ruined it for the people that are polite and don't demand their freebie rudely on their special day.

Servers now view almost everyone that asks for their dessert with suspicion.

Fair or not that's the way we think, personally my good will is gone with this subject.

Also, don't get pissed of if we don't give them away, I'm more than happy to order you a dessert.

It's the restaurant's policy, not mine, even if I agree with it.

Hell you probably aren't going to pay for your tab as it is, that's what friends are for come to think of it.

Not some stranger or a business that is trying to make a profit.

Maybe next year on my birthday I'll see if I can get my tires rotated and balanced for free when I get my oil changed...


At 8:15 PM , Anonymous Ms. Cherie said...

Happy Birthday Mr. Insane!!!!!
Hope you have a rocking good time tonight!!! But....don't let me catch you asking for those free BD shots ;-)

At 9:35 PM , Blogger Brad #1 said...

Happy B-Day, man!! Only 25, but writes with so much thought and enthusiasm. Great traits to hold. I once thought about writing, but I hate reading, so why write, right? Well, I hope you have many many more healthy years in front of you, and also hope that, no matter where you continue to work, you keep on writing about it and life. Cheers, Insane, (holding beer up), you deserve it.

At 11:04 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Happy Quarter of a Century !

Local place does the free birthday dessert, but you have to present valid id to receive it - which is only fair.

You don't do the singing thing on birthdays do you ? Absolutely hate it when the entire staff has to come out and sing some version of a birthday jingle, or when they invite the everyone else to join in.

At 11:50 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Happy Bday Insane Waiter!!!!!!!! Enjoy..ahhh to be 25 again.
We did that bday free dessert shit too until I talked the owner into giving it up to Applebee's down the street..thank goodness she listened.

At 12:29 AM , Anonymous Ally said...

Happy birthday! Great post... all restaurants should do away with free dessert on birthdays, it practically begs people to scam.

At 12:52 AM , Blogger Sketchy said...

Hell Yeah! The other day I was asked, "Does this restaurant do anything special for birthdays?"
I responded that the house would pick up dessert if the birthday was today. The woman chose the most expensive and extravagant dessert we offer and I brought it out with a candle, asking her dinner companions to sing. Of course they happily complied. And then, I asked for her driver's license so the management could discount the bill. Surprise Surprise! Her birthday was a month ago and they paid full price for the dessert. And they left a 25% tip, too. Probably out of embarrassment.

At 2:06 AM , Anonymous pokervixxen said...

I love this post!!! I would love to post this on my blog with your permission.

At 2:14 AM , Blogger Secret said...


Since I stole your "beverage profiling" you can have it...

Though I did give all due credit to ya!


At 6:59 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Is it too hard to ask for identification? Anybody would be stupid not to. Denny's used to give a free meal on birthdays. I did it once, but the plate was too horrible to finish.

As far as your touching the cashier on the wrist, and I know you didn't really do this and only wrote that for effect, you wouldn't get a "fuck off look" as quick as you'd get a firm and no questions about it "do not touch me". Who the hell would touch someone they don't know. Any purposeful but unwanted contact is assault. Just because people in teh service industry let people play grab-ass with them in hopes of a future tip doesn't mean it's appropriate in other venues.

At 8:04 AM , Anonymous Cachis said...

How 'bout a good hard bitch slap then, anonymous? Would that be appropriate?

At 9:33 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

That would work.

At 11:25 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nephew Dude:

Oops! Guess who forgot?

Belated Natal Day Felicitations!


Uncle R.

At 3:29 PM , Anonymous pokervixxen said...

Of course I would give you full credit! I apologize for not clarifying,lol!
Happy Birthday

At 10:35 AM , Anonymous Curious said...

My husband and I went out on my 22nd b-day. I got carded when I ordered a drink and to my complete suprise, my server brought me a free piece of cake after I was finished eating. I guess she was paying attention to the date when she carded me. Anyway, it was such a nice gesture that we ended up dropping an extra ten for her on top of the tip.

At 11:00 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

The 'free drink' thing on people's birthdays is so stupid, but I've always offered up a nice way to deal with it.

Be sweet as pie, tell them they will indeed receive a free shot, then pour them a Mexican Missile. Double shot, 1/3 rail tequila, 1/3 Absolut Peppar, and 1/3 Tobasco. It is guaranteed to destroy their night.

At 3:13 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

That'll sure bring 'em back to your restaurant.

What a fucked attitude.

"Be sweet as pie, tell them they will indeed receive a free shot, then pour them a Mexican Missile. Double shot, 1/3 rail tequila, 1/3 Absolut Peppar, and 1/3 Tobasco. It is guaranteed to destroy their night. "

At 3:46 PM , Blogger waltoncad said...

"Bonzer Bonzer Birthday, from the Outback crew! We wish it was our Birthday, so we could party too!"

Ah, days of yore!

My restaurant these days has a wise policy that if the guest announces that they have a birthday, we announce it in the back, "Table 54, seat four has a birthday" and they get smiling waiters interrupting their meals wishing them a Happy Birthday all night!

At 3:15 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ha! Lucky me... my Outback just sings the traditional birthday song (and weve apparently never been sued for it). We also dont do free desserts, which is nice. Unless...

One time, I had a four top- couple with their 2 kids. The husband lets me know its his wife's birthday right in front of her. So obviously there is no desired element of surprise.

They eat and I prompt them for a dessert order, expecting to hear one. Instead, "ummmm, nooo." And to clarify, the tone wasnt that of "we dont want desert!" but rather that of "dont you remember hearing there's a birthday?" They might have well given me the dramatic overexaggerated wink.

So, I do what I do whenever a "birthday guest" doesnt order a dessert because they expect "the free birthday dessert"- I give them a small scoop of whipped cream with a candle. I think thats fair. Its a nice little gesture.

So I come back with some of the waitstaff in tow, and we sing and she blows out the candle, and we quickly disperse. As I'm walking away from the table I hear the husband mutter "Sorry youre too cheap to buy my wife dessert."

That took a second to register with me.

What, the fuck. I resisted whipping around getting right in his face and saying, "ACTUALLY, IM SORRY *YOU* ARE TOO CHEAP TO BUY YOUR WIFE A GOD DAMNED DESSERT ON HER BIRTHDAY."

But being that I work in the service industry, and the miserable, tightwad,asshole customer is always right, I clenched my jaw and walked away, pretending not to hear him. As soon as I got in the kitchen I unleashed a streak of profanity at no one in particular. Well it was towards him but he couldnt hear it.

Get a life, birthday leeches.

At 3:58 AM , Blogger Big Tasty said...

Here's what I want to do: Let's get a bunch of servers together, go into a bank, start up accounts, and sit and drink free coffee until they kick us out.

We'll all act like we hadn't seen each other in a while, grab the little paper coffee cups and drink away. We'll sit in the loungey type area and bullshit as if it had been years since we last saw each other.

We'll keep returning to the coffee pot and filling up our cups.

Then, when it closes, the person will come up to us and say, "excuse me, but you have to leave, we're closing."

We will raise a stink, shouting, "but we spent hundreds of dollars depositing money into your bank which is making large sums of money! All we want to do is check up on each other!"

Then those banker assholes that come into my restaurant will know that it kinda sucks to be at work way later for no good reason.

Don't get me started on the birthday people, or the "we're in a hurry" people, or the "My diet ____ "people.


At 5:26 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ooh i second that. Its remarkable how many people will sit for an hour after we close with absolutely no consideration for the people who have been at work all day and want to go home.

At 6:15 PM , Anonymous Danni said...

I think the cosmic karma for the "free birthday dessert" is the 6 waiters/ess and hostesses clapping loudly and mutilating some miserable corporate designed "happy birthday" tune with looks of mutiny on their faces.

My husband would die before he allowed that at our table. Last year I took him out to a niccer chain for his bday, and the table next to him had one of those clapping debacles going on. As they walked our way I thought he was going to vualt out of his seat.

Really, I think it's foolish to expect servers to patronize you by pretending to care it's your birthday. been lurking for a while, really love your blog!

At 8:13 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday !

I too, hate the singing and clapping and shaking of utensils in a plastic cup.

On my birthday this year, the waiter noticed that I was opening gifts from my family, and brought me a dessert when we were finished. No one asked, he just did it. and I felt guilty - I didn't want it, and thanked him & told him he didn't have to -- and my daughter ate it. and his tip was a lot more than 4 desserts !

At 9:18 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's my Birthday... Update your blog for ME!

At 8:52 PM , Blogger Sondra said...

I hate the birthday thing, too, Insane. I could not believe you were only twenty five. LOL. On my twenty fifth birthday I went to a bar in Cincinnati I used to go always go to and they kept giving me drink after drink for free..Long Island Ice Teas in a plastic cup. (Not very big but big enough.) For every drink they gave me I tipped $1. I was so drunk it's a wonder I didn't sign over my life savings, but I was there with a DD anyway and it was a blast. Has nothing to do with your entry but I felt like sharing. LOL.

At 7:23 AM , Blogger Grotesqueticle said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 7:25 AM , Blogger Grotesqueticle said...



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