The Insane Waiter

Running wild on customers, chefs, owners and managers since 1997. I bring to you, The Insane Waiter. What do bring to your table? A crisp bottle of San Pellegrino ? Perhaps a lovely seared Sashimi Tuna? Start off with a wonderful bottle from Tuscany perhaps? Why I'll be more than happy to bring you your White Zinfandel and Chicken Caesar. No you can't order the mac and cheese off the kids menu and sorry no, we don't serve cheese sticks....

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Asinine Question of the Day

Servers and Bartenders get asked the most moronic things...

There is such thing as a stupid question, just the fact that your kindergarten teacher lied to you doesn't give you the excuse to pull that one out of the hat every time you look like an idiot.

It's something that belongs in the realm of idiocy such as saying...

"The customer is always right"

And all you people out there that will say its my job to answer questions and yadayada bull, you're right, I just would rather answer informed questions than some of the stupid dribble that I hear.

So the inaugural question is this...

"Sir, can you tell me how big the 9oz filet is?"

ps: Sorry for the short post, out of town for the week, happy thanksgiving and for God's sake don't go out to eat on this day, it only makes more restaurants open next year for the holiday.

And frankly I have better things to do than work it.


At 3:07 PM , Blogger Jia Li said...

I so understand...have a great holiday!

At 3:11 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Frankly, I don't know how big a 9 ounce steak is, either, since I rarely eat red meat. Instead of getting all worked up about it (if the customer has asked politely) you could just answer the question. I've heard infinitely more moronic questions, such as "Do you have non-alcoholic wine here?"

At 3:51 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I do eat red meat and still don't have much of an idea how big a 9oz steak is, I'm far better at judging area and thickness, so if you say "About an inch thick and so big [while holding hands to show approximate size of steak]", I'll know about what size it is.

There *are* stupid questions, and I'm sure waiters get more than their fair share, but, in my opionion, this isn't one of them.

At 4:10 PM , Anonymous pokervixxen said...

When they say *the customers always right* that just means they are white knucked, grasping at straws because they are WRONG!

At 7:00 PM , Anonymous Mark said...

Re: how big is the steak

When I hear "big", I think size, so saying 9oz isn't too helpful unless one dines out a lot. (Unfortunately not as much as I would like.)

Re: "Do you have non-alcoholic wine here?"

Well, there is dealcoholized wine and beer available... so maybe that's not such a stupid question either.

At 8:06 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

"We would like to make a reservation, what do you do special for birthdays?"

Or that's right we are the place that has the flying midgets and flame throwers for all of you who were born!

What does every godamm place do for birthday's? A damm slice of mess and a pre-used candle!

Kami (chicago)

At 10:30 PM , Blogger Denise said...

Once, at a different restaurant, a guy asked me, "How's the ham steak? Is it pretty lean?"

I said, "Sir, it's HAM."

Another time, on Newbury Street in Boston, a chick asked me if I knew who'd won the Kentucky Derby. I asked her if that was a car race. She didn't seem to care for my answer.

At 10:50 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

there is no such thing as a stupid question.

just a stupid person.

i concer though that the steak question is not stupid. 9oz in a drink is a small cup. in a reciepe is a big handful.
in a hamburger it's gonna look one way. in a steak another. so really the question is not that stupid.

At 2:29 AM , Blogger Brad #1 said...

no, the question is, indeed, stupid...if you have ever gone to the grocery store, and ordered a pound of ground beef, you can look at the lable and see that it's 16 oz...... Given that about 99.99999999999% of us have made "Hamburger Helper" at some point in our lifetime, we know about what 16 oz. weighs like. If not, take your usual hamburger patty....something that you would be happy with.....that's about as heavy as your 8-9 oz filet mignon will feel like. Everybody should know that fluid ounces and physical ounces are different.

And about non-acohollic wine goes...DON'T BOTHER!!!

Most of the time, and I've never seen it in my 15 years, places do not have non-alcoholic wines, just beers. What justice is there in non-alcoholic wine? Isn't that the same thing as grape juice (sparkling or not)?

At 9:17 AM , Anonymous fellowserver said...

The question about the steak was just phrased poorly. It should have been something like: How big around is that 9 oz filet?

The stupidest questions/people I get are those who want crappy frozen drinks at a fine dining restaurant and can't comprehend no blender=no frozen crap.

At 4:03 PM , Blogger Sketchy said...

"The customer is always right"

Wrong! The customer is not always right, but he is always a customer, and must be treated as such.

At 7:09 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

What I hate is when you're working retail, wearing the extremely ugly company polo shirt with the company name is huge letters, and customers ask if you work there. No I just like to stock store shelves in my free time!

At 8:18 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think for some people the question might be more of a "pre cooked weight" versus "cooked weight"

Just because something is a certain size when it's raw, doesn't mean it won't shrink up into something much smaller when cooked. I used to wait tables in high school and people were always making comments about steaks being much larger or smaller than they anticipated them.

I wouldn't necessarily say the question is stupid, it just sounds stupid when worded poorly.

At 9:21 AM , Blogger Stu said...

No I'm sorry, a 9oz steak is 9oz's. It's pretty simple people sheesh, although it does seem that a few readers here may ask that question often Bahahahah!!

I've got one for ya all, "Who invented Stevenson's rocket"

K that's all thanks!!

At 12:23 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

The Rocket was designed and built by George Stephenson with the help of his son, Robert, and Henry Booth, for the 1829 Rainhill Trials

At 10:53 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I argued with a lady last night for 20 minutes about why she couldn't use two coupons while the coupons clearly stated not valid with other offers. She told me just what you wrote.

"The customer is always right! You HAVE to do it. Your taking away my rights!"

This is how I spent my thanksgiving!

All I can say, is after all of it, I won. Man, that felt good.


At 9:17 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Scientifically it is a valid question. An ounce is a unit of measure for weight, while "big" refers to actual size. Density is the key here.

Sadly, too many people can't be bothered to remember what the size and weight of the last steak they ordered was.

At 12:04 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Alcohol-free wine is different from grape juice. You vacuum-distill wine to remove the alcohol but preserve most of the flavour (at least, for some values of "preserve").

I still wouldn't chose to drink it, of course, but it's certainly nothing like grape juice if done right.

I'm surprised that so many people think that the customer is automatically stupid for not knowing the density of cooked steak. Oh, and isn't 9oz the raw weight, not the cooked weight? How big is your 250g steak?

At 8:31 AM , Blogger Wendebular said...

We don't use ounces in New Zealand (and haven't for decades), so I would have no idea about your 9oz steak.

Would many Americans know how big my 190 gram steak is?

This is besides the point. Of the many, many stupid questions I get asked on a daily basis, this is the one that springs to mind. I work in a revolving restaurant. This is a conversation I've had, unfortunately multiple times:

"Excuse me waitress, we're having an argument here, could you confirm something for us?"

"Of course folks, what can I help you with?"

"My friend thinks we're moving this way, and I think it's the other. Which way is the restaurant turning?"

Work it out, you freaking morons.

At 2:31 PM , Blogger Taylor said...

One of my all time favorites, (in reference to our 'grilled chicken sandwich' which is stated clearly on the menu)

"is your grilled chicken sandwich grilled?"

'yes ma'am it is'

"and does it come served on bread?"

(at this point i actually wanted to lunge across the table and punch her in the face)

At 12:45 PM , Blogger Waitergripes said...

My favorite, how big is a 10" pizza? Oh, and there a 5 of us, is that enough? Can you cut it into 5 slices too?


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