The Insane Waiter

Running wild on customers, chefs, owners and managers since 1997. I bring to you, The Insane Waiter. What do bring to your table? A crisp bottle of San Pellegrino ? Perhaps a lovely seared Sashimi Tuna? Start off with a wonderful bottle from Tuscany perhaps? Why I'll be more than happy to bring you your White Zinfandel and Chicken Caesar. No you can't order the mac and cheese off the kids menu and sorry no, we don't serve cheese sticks....

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

But We Eat Here All The Time!

God I had that sentence.

That means you think you are a regular, but you aren't.

The other day I was taking care of business (TCB to all you corporate types)

At the same time I walk into a situation.

It's Friday night, the books are full and someone decided to pre-order over the phone.

The hostess took the order even though she shouldn't and was trying to hand it off to my buddy Jarad.

He refused to take it.

"But they say they eat here all the time," our hostess friend pleaded.

Finally one of the managers comes up and assigns the table and food to Alicia with a stern,"we don't do pre orders," to the hostess.

Well our friendly regulars want their dinner at 6:45, the order goes back with the time and of course the chef is all,"what the fuck."

I'm getting busy and I'm hitting my hustle and flow, momentarily forgetting the situation.

Around seven I notice two entrees pushed to the side of the line, a filet is among them.

"Shit ya!" I explain as I grab a steak knife.

Chef shouts out,"that's that fucking pre-order!"

I glance at the time, they're late.

Another half an hour passes, in my trips around the restaurant I notice one of the regulars, one of the ones nobody wants to wait on.

I smile at her as I pass and as usual she shoots me a nasty glare.

Ah yes, a sweetheart this one.

Well I start to put two and two together.

She's the pre-order.

As I'm back in the kitchen I notice their food still to the side.

"Hey Chef, what's the deal with this steak?" I inquire.

"Fucking idiots, their food was cold so now we've got to remake it,"He said.

"I'd throw it in the micro boss."

"Ya, well they wanted new entrees."

So they aren't even going to eat the same things.

I see Alicia their server ringing in orders and I go up to her,"Hey what's the deal with that chick, she's your pre-order right?

Alicia glares back,"This is horseshit, they bitched me out for bringing them cold food, hell they were supposed to be here forty five minutes ago."

"Now they're all pissed that they have to wait for their new food to cook."

I think for a moment,"Hey, you know what I would do, box up their old food and charge them for everything."

Better than throwing away sixty buck in entrees.

"But my tip..." she stammers.

"Hun, you're not going to get shit for one anyways, she hates women servers, thinks they're trying to get on her man."

"That scrub? Why didn't Jarad take them?" She groans as she rolls her eyes.

"They wouldn't tip him either, she thinks every guy is looking at her tits."

Alicia giggles,"Ya she wears that shirt so you'll look at her shoes."

"Good luck hun."

Later on I walk by the table, she shoots another nasty look my way.

Fucking shitty regulars, only they use that,"But we eat hear all the time!"

Well, we wish you wouldn't.


At 7:12 PM , Blogger Big Tasty said...


Or what about the people that inquire about a menu item, then tell the waiter that he's wrong about the description. I've worked in a chain restaurant for four years and every now and again someone will tell me I'm wrong about what's on the food! They always say, "we eat here all the time and it's always prepared this way." No it's not, I've been seeing this same goddamned food go out of the kitchen five to six days a week, six hours a day, for four years!

People weird me out, I tell you.

At 8:57 PM , Blogger Denise said...

Gimme a break. Wouldn't it be great if life was that convenient?

I think I'll call the transit autority tomorrow and tell them I'll be at the bus stop at twelve-fifteen. If I'm not there, the bus should wait. Why? Because I take it all the time.

And I defend that I hate when people don't take their food home. I don't care if they ate already or are staying in a hotel; it's a waste. If you've never been so broke you couldn't afford to eat, then I guess it would be hard to understand. I have and so now I finish everything in front of me or I take it home. I don't take it for granted that I can afford to eat now because I know it could all change.

At 10:36 PM , Anonymous pokervixxen said...

So what happened, did they pay for all of it? Encore!

At 12:25 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I like your blog, but your spelling is horrendous. Please check your grammar as well to avoid homonymns.

At 12:30 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

^ isn't it ironic that 'homonyms' is spelled incorrectly? :P

Great blog, keep it up. :D

At 7:49 AM , Blogger akirakid said...

Even better than the "We eat here all the time" regulars are the name droppers. We know (the owner) or I'm a good friend of (the general manager) isn't going to get you special treatment or your food cooked any faster! And it has nothing to do with the color of your skin or ethnic background because, believe it or not, you are all green to me.

At 9:19 AM , Anonymous Ms. Cherie said...

Welcome back Mr. Insane.
I do love your blog. I think you are an intelligent,wittty & very promising writer.
I realize that this Blog is a basis
for you to vent, and compare war stories with your fellow colleagues, & maybe educate those who dine along the way. I am not complaining. However, it was so nice to see the softer side of you, i.e. "Eyes wide shut"
I sense that you feel the need to keep your amninity. I understand that completely. What I am asking is....can we get a little more personal glimpse at our favorite waiter? Tell us a little more about you and your take on life outside of the industry......
If I am out of line....just say so!
Think about it......
Are you with me fellow Insane Fans???

At 9:30 AM , Anonymous nate said...

I hate it when losers like that think they are something special just because they think they are regulars.

I don't work in the resturant industry, but do work on an IT Helpdesk and we get it all the time. Just because somebody is a regular user of our services, they think that we have to help them right there and then, even though we have a queue system in place, it's total horseshit.

At 10:00 AM , Blogger Brad #1 said...

Yeah, I too hate these people. We had a lady a few months ago, when it was warm enough to sit at our sidewalk tables. We close between lunch and dinner so that our tiny kitchen can swing things over to get prepared for dinner. Well, this lady, a self-seater (God, I hate these people with a passion), took a table during this closed period. After sitting there for 10-15 minutes, she finally gets up and comes in. I go up to her and ask what I can do for her. She says that she hasn't been waited on yet, so I pointed to the sign that says "We have stopped seating for lunch today. Please join us at 5:00 for dinner." She says, "But I know Bob! Can't I get anything?" There's no Bob here, so I say, "Who?" She says, "You know Bob, the owner?" "You mean Ben?", I retort. "Yeah, that's what I meant, Ben." Stupid, old, no tipping, "Owner knowing" bitch. If she knew him well enough to get served while we were closed, you'd think that she could at least get a 3-letter name right.

At 11:56 AM , Anonymous nia said...

I'm sorry to say that, but the woman who pre-order and came in late is an A hole.

that s just bad manners + it's a complete lack of respect toward the staff.

1 thing is for sure, if anyone calls to pre-order, I hope all of you guys will say NO. that s it, no arguing will be accepted.
you lost your food once, it can still happen

people have to learn that they aren t the boss, just because you are paying for a good meal in a restaurant doesn't mean that you can shit over people and let them do everything u ask!

that is just my opinion and I stand by it!

At 3:18 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

my favorite is when they throw out the "we eat here all the time.." no one recognizes them.. and everyone on the floor that night has been working there for at least 3 years..

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