The Insane Waiter

Running wild on customers, chefs, owners and managers since 1997. I bring to you, The Insane Waiter. What do bring to your table? A crisp bottle of San Pellegrino ? Perhaps a lovely seared Sashimi Tuna? Start off with a wonderful bottle from Tuscany perhaps? Why I'll be more than happy to bring you your White Zinfandel and Chicken Caesar. No you can't order the mac and cheese off the kids menu and sorry no, we don't serve cheese sticks....

Saturday, June 28, 2008

The Grat

Normally I’m a big fan of the service charge on a party. This ensures that I get paid for my time and I apply it blindly, regardless of color, age or sex.

I’ve known people that apply “the grat” on only tables that are women, or only tables that are black.

Not I.

I also know servers who never use it, preferring that their good service earn them a tip, perhaps a better one than the service charge would leave them.

Myself, I believe that I have forged a bit of a work ethic and thus take the safe money, however I do make sure I earn it and don’t rest on my laurels.

Usually its just business for me, but every now and then I do take a little bit of joy in applying “the grat.”

This is because I can read people very well, its part of my job, and I can also read when a table is going to leave a shitty tip.

So I hit the 20% button and out goes the bill and the magic of technology turns a shitty tipper into a good tipper.

I feel happy.

They feel confounded, after all 10% on a party of twelve is more than fair, at least in their minds.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

That's bull

My trainee came up to me last night with a message that my eight top wanted to see me about their bill.

I knew it was trouble right away, nothing went wrong with the table, but I had a feeling they’d cause trouble.

“Did you have a question about the bill?” I asked the gentleman I gave the bill to.

“No, but he does,” the man said with a look of embarrassment.

He was pointing at the self appointed leader of the table, his brother.

“Question, sir?” I asked.

“Yeah, this bill is too high, you charged us twice.” He said.

I took a look over the tab, I clearly did not charge them twice.

“Sir, the bill is correct.” I said.

“Then what are all these charges, you can’t seriously expect us to pay this much for our drinks.”
He said.

“Sir, if you ordered the item I do expect you to pay for it.” I replied.

“Is the tip already on here?” Asked his wife.

“Yes ma’am, I have it circled on the bottom.” I replied.

“Well then why is it on here twice?” She asked.

“Ma’am it is listed in both the sub total and at the bottom of the bill.” I said.

“How much is the charge?” Asked her husband.

“Fifty dollars,” I replied.

“Well I think that’s bullshit, we don‘t tip that high.” He said.

Mind you he wasn’t paying the bill.

“Sir, it is clearly posted that we apply a service charge to groups of eight or more.” I replied.

“Well that’s bullshit, I’ve never heard of such a thing.” He said.

“Sir, we charge service of eighteen percent, which is industry standard.” I said.

“Bullshit, how come there’s all these other charges?” He asked.

“Sir, earlier you asked for separate checks, your friend offered to pay the bill and I had to combine the tabs again under one total.” I replied.

“We didn’t order three hundred fifty dollars worth of food, it wasn’t even that good.” He slurred.

“Sir, there’s nothing on the bill that shouldn’t be there, when I asked how everything was everybody was very satisfied.” I replied.

“Here, here, give me the bill,” said the man’s brother.

“I have to apologize, my brother lives in Huxley.” Said the man paying the bill.

“I have an old girlfriend from Huxley,” I said with a smile.

“Well I think you did a fine job, thank you for everything,” he said as he handed me his credit card.

“I still think its bullshit,” fumed his brother.

I applied the bill to his card and thanked him (he left me extra on top of the gratuity).

Later, my trainee declared that I was her hero.

“Nothing I don’t deal with on a daily basis,” I replied.


Ah, an article after my own heart, given my many grammar critics.

Via "Stuff White People Like"

It brings to mind Randall’s rant in “Clerks” of how it must be so satisfying to point out the shortcomings of others.

If you have the time and energy to go through a menu with a red marker you really need a hobby, or some help.

Monday, June 09, 2008

Name games

So this past week I worked a private party that was grossly overstaffed due to the fact that the group was, "a prominent name."

Not only did we make money befitting a slow Tuesday night, but the prominent name wasn't there. The customers in question shared nothing in common with the guest that was specutated upon except the last name.

That wasn't to say that they weren't good people, hell they even left us extra on top of the service charge, saving us from money befitting a slow Monday night.

Naturally we questioned the decision to run more staff on the party than necessary, and we were answered with, "they are a prominenet name and we need to give them the best service."

My question to you dear reader is...

It they weren't a prominenet name would they deserve lesser service?