The Insane Waiter

Running wild on customers, chefs, owners and managers since 1997. I bring to you, The Insane Waiter. What do bring to your table? A crisp bottle of San Pellegrino ? Perhaps a lovely seared Sashimi Tuna? Start off with a wonderful bottle from Tuscany perhaps? Why I'll be more than happy to bring you your White Zinfandel and Chicken Caesar. No you can't order the mac and cheese off the kids menu and sorry no, we don't serve cheese sticks....

Thursday, September 29, 2005

In Addo

With all regards to clamchowder...

As servers in general, in a pinch we don't care if you get regular or decaf. It may seem CRUEL or UNCARING, but it is what it is.

If I'm getting my ass handed to me, and it'll take 5-10 minutes for our huge machine to brew, you're going to get whatever's handy. Because we don't care. Not that much anyways.

Yes its selfish, but so is the look of disdain we often get when we inform you of the time you'll have to wait.

If I really like you, I'll brew a new batch...

Because you are understanding.

But I've had too many people like the ones in the aforementioned column to put in much of an effort, for a cup of coffee.

The other day I had someone go off on me for the price of the coffee.

A Buck Seventy Five.

He remembers when it was thirty-five cents...

I asked him how many refills he'd had.

He said four, kids according to my calculations that's $.43 a cup, not bad considering inflation.

His claim was it is ridiculous, that at Quick Trip it's only charge $.59 for a "big cup"

That may be true, but if you run out of coffee, and at the next corner is a QT, I doubt that you can walk in for a free one...

Try going to Starbucks, have fun paying three bucks for an 8oz. "Tall"

Until next time caffeine freaks!

The Insane Server

Decaf It Is!

Has this ever happened to you? It has many times in the past to me , and I finally did something about it a couple months back. As bad as it may be, it was so satisfying.

Its about the end of the night, I'm down to my last couple tables, and I'm trying to hustle my last tables out the door so I can have a well deserved Crown on the rocks.

So I come up to my table, a couple of upper middle aged women, and do my hopefully last stop of the night.

"Ladies would we like anything else for you tonight?"

Her response was a little stiff,"Aren't you going to offer us coffee?"

My respect for the twelve steps of service is a little low when it's five after closing.

But,"of course ma'am," is the answer.

"Well I want decaf with sugar and cream."

"Certainly, ma'am."

"And I want your home number, if you give me regular I'm going to call you at three in the morning when I can't sleep because of you!" she says with a wry grin. "And it better be fresh!!"

Great, a smart ass I think, I look at her...

She's actually serious!

Shit, the sugar will keep her up as it is, damn, I'm never going to get out of here.

"I wouldn't ever think of giving you regular miss!"

I retreat dutifully...

look at my the time, its fucking 11.05 p.m.

Ya, we have fresh coffee...

She's been a rude pain in the ass all night. I've never been one to mess with another's food, but remember folks, you shouldn't fuck with one that's handling your dinner.

I've had enough of cracks like that, I've heard lies of "I'm allergic to caffeine, I want a decaf mocha with skim and splenda. Well girls, even decaf has caffeine, its just less.

So if you're allergic, it must be a hypocondriac thing, or you're just lying...

And as a Waiter, I've been lied to enough.

One of my favorite moments was when a customer of my friends told him this, "Did you put your finger in my coffee?? It tastes like there was a finger in it!!"

Sheeesh, people sure are finicky about their coffee, its this damn entitleist culture we live in these days, well that's my theory anyways.

So back to my ladies, I retreat to the kitchen, look at the burner, there's about two cups of regular, been on the burner about two hours, and no decaf in sight...

Call me at three in the morning will you!!!

If I was her I wouldn't want to talk to me then, its about the time I'll be getting out of here.

I grab the regular, I look over at the expresso machine, I grab a mug, and hit double shot...

I fill the rest of the mug with regular and hot water, grab the cream and sugar, and hit the door.

As I drop it of I say, "Enjoy Madam!"

She eyes me suspiciously,"This issss decaf right?"

"Of course, I made a new batch just for you."

As I'm tearing down my section I head over and drop the bill...

"How's the coffee? Do you still want my number?" I ask...

"Oh its the best decaf I've ever had! It's great!"

Yes it is...


Monday, September 26, 2005

Bada Ching!

So a regular comes in when I'm bartenders on a Saturday morning, he goes to me...

"Hey buddy, why are you here today?"

To which I deadpan,

"Because of a long series of bad decisions."

Sunday, September 25, 2005

Is A Dollar Worth This?

Tonight I was clippin around, had a couple tables, but kinda slow, when I was sat a three top.

I was in a fairly good mood, got an A on my second Business Administration test, and it was showing at work tonight. So I approached my table with a smile on my face...

"Hi folks how are we doing tonight?" As generic greetings go, this one is an old faithful.

The lady looks up, her response to my question,"I WANT a Bombay Martini, Up with a twist, olives on the side."

So that's how its going to be, didn't know that was the answer to how are you...

Hell not even a please.

I look at her husband,"So how are YOU doing tonight?"

"Diet Coke with lime, no lemon,"is his answer.


Third guy, I don't even bother.

"What do you want sir?"

I get their order to them.

I start my feature spiel, "tonite we have Swordfish encrusted with...."

"What's your soup???"

Interruption, no excuse me.

"Ma'am its clam chowder, the Manhattan variety"

"Well what's that mean?" She retorts.

It means you're a nuisance, is the first answer that crosses my mind.

"Ma'am it means its not cream based, would you like to hear the rest of the specials?"

"Well of course!"

I go over the specials again, no takers of course

As I ask about appetizer the husband points at his neighboring table,"Do you know her?" "
What's she having?"

I look over, "No I don't know her, its a Margharita Pizza."

"Well do you think she'll let me have a piece, she isn't going to finish it, look at her."

She's a thin woman.

"Can you ask her?" He inquires.


"I don't broker deals between tables sir, if you want to know, ask her yourself."

He actually ponders it for a moment.

Shit, I think to myself, he's serious.

He looks at me,"don't worry about it."

They order, a bowl of chowder for the lady, and two entree salads for the gentlemen, before their dinner, they eat more than enough for a regular person.

Of course not one please, or I would like, or thank you...

I WANT this, and I WANT that, etc, etc, etc...

I drop off their entrees, two orders of calamari for the couple, (yes its an appetizer, but they can do what they want), and a 24oz. Prime Rib for their friend.

I check back in a couple minutes.

"How is everything tonite folks?"

Great of course, we're know for our food.

A they eat I check on my other tables, take orders, and of course flirt with the hostess.

Then I come back, they look finished, but there is about half an order of calamari left.

The lady raises her hand,"Sir, I have a comment about our food, I come here all the time and was very disappointed with our calamari, it was pasty and had no flavor."

"I'm sorry ma'am, sir was yours ok?"

"No it wasn't, have you ever tried this? It's terrible I bet you get complaints all the time!"

"Actually sir most of my guests rather enjoy it." I say to him,"But I'll pass on your comments to the chef."

I go up to my manager, its plain as day they don't want to pay for their food.

The thing is, I could have done something about it if they had spoken up when I checked back to make sure everything was ok.

But that's usually the case when people want a hand out, they never complain when there is time to do something about it.

So she takes off their calamari, their bill after this is sixty eight bucks.

I go back up to the table,"Sir, I talked to my manager about the calamari, and we went ahead and took it off for you."

He starts up again,"I bet you knew it would drastically improve your tip to do that didn't you?"

I'm taken aback,"Sir that wasn't my intention."

His repose,"Whatever."

He throw a Benjamin in the check presenter.

"You do a great job, keep it," as he thrusts the book at me...

"Put your kids through college or something."


He just took a shot at my job

His wife chuckles at that, poor me they must think...

Maybe my kids will have a better life than this poor server.

"Now get out of here."

There is a certain disdain in his eye as he says that last remark.

I feel the last straw narrowly miss my aching back.

I storm away, grab a smoke from a buddy and go outside.

I'm nearly shaking.

I made $32 off that table, not a single please or thank you.

All I got was a "Great Job"

But it was with such contempt.

"Put your kids through college!"

Who is he? Rodney Dangerfield?

He didn't look like a man who was born with a silver spoon, I know the type.

He had to have come from somewhere, too bad he forgot where that place was.

I would have rather had half the tip, and a little bit of politeness and respect.

I can't last much longer doing this, he was almost to much for me, my resolve for this job is weakening

So tomorrow I'll get up, go to class, put in another shift...

And the long and slow road of my life continues, hopefully a better place is around the next bend...

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Do I Hate My Job?


and no...

In recent posts I've noticed several people that I disagree with, not that it's a bad thing, but I decided to address some of the issues which are pointed out.

I've seen it on this site, and many others. Quotes like "You are always so angry and frustrated, and really need to get a new line of work, or a new perspective."

It always comes down to get a new job, get a new job. You don't like getting a paycheck with 2 bucks an hour, get a new job...

You don't like assholes...

Get a new job.

You don't like stupid people...

Get a new job...

Here's why I don't.

I'm putting myself through school right now, part time albeit, but what else can I do to make a living wage? Or that allows me to make this kind of money with the flexibility I have for classes?


At least nothing that pays more than eight bucks an hour, try paying rent, car payment, insurance, phone, internet, etc, ect, ect, on that kind of pay.

What do I love about my job?

I guess I've pointed out what either annoys me, or yes, hate about my job...

I love the hours...

I can go out nearly any night I want, sleep in, and still make it for my shift or class, try doing that working 9-5...

I love my fellow co-workers, and most of them would agree with my thoughts on here, some of them are my readers...

Hell I love my current owner/managers, I DO have a new gig that I enjoy, compared to where I've been its heaven.

And yes, sometimes I have a great night, I'm a great server, and can make sick amounts of money in a single day. Hell probably more than a fair amount of my customers make I dare say.

"Wanting to clobber someone with a door who is paying your salary is wayyyyy beyond bitching."

Is it really??

When I get hit with a door and lose an entire six tops worth of food, look like an ass, have the cooks bitching at me, and on top of it lose my tip...

All because someone is an ignorant ass, is that really out of line?

"this is more than bitching...It's deep seeded."

Maybe it is, that's my problem, not yours Freud.

"I once kicked a door out to serve and hit a guy in the face...It was nice. "

Awesome, some people get it. Better you than me.

"But this and other waiter blogs do NOTHING BUT bitch."

Of course we do.

Many people want to believe we're there for them....

A ballet of graceful and subservient staff, ready to make their life easier...

And they're partly right, but if you think being an asshole to someone to either boost your own ego, or to gratify your sense of self entitlement, is cool...

Then think again.

Read through my posts if you want, some are little things which irk me, however most are very real complaints.

Think I bitch? Go to the bitterwaitress.

See what THOUSANDS of my fellow servers think.

And if you don't think the Waiterrant isn't sick of a lot of this shit, maybe you need to re-read more of his posts.

I love his blog, and read every post, but make no mistake, I may not be as good as him, and don't pretend to be.

I'm the Insane Waiter, that title should be self-explanatory.

So if you want to read about how much I enjoyed my day, how I love to wait on unreasonable people, how I love how servers are treated by owners/managers...

Well that would all be a lie, and not really entertaining either.

This Blog is for my therapy, maybe expressing myself is they way I do it rather than pay someone a $150/hour to hear me.

So love me or hate me, I'm here!

As the old saying goes, if you can find a better car, buy it!

But with me its all about the deal...

Monday, September 19, 2005

Oh, Are We In Your Way?

Yes, that was the question I was asked as I stumbled out the kitchen double doors, with a tray with six entrees on it...

All I can do is glare at them as I try not to drop a hundred fifty bucks in food...

Somehow a group of eight think standing two feet out of the door is acceptable, but not in my world. I'm sick of people that live life in a tunnel. Seeing only what's in the front of them, their immediate concern.

hanging outside the kitchen door probably isn't the best idea. I've nearly dropped food, spilled more than one glass of soda or wine on my sleeve, had a full tray jammed in my throat.

All because of unobservant people, guests, and yes servers even.

Look around you. If you're hanging out in an isle where many of the staff seem to be, move.

That simple.

Standing at the bar between the brass rail??

Fucking move it!

That's the server station, not an area reserved for the ignorant.

Well, actually it is an area reserved for the ignorant, well because assclowns like you seem to gravitate there.

In the last months at my old place when my patience was gone, I'd ram them Mach 1, and watch them try to scatter.

Not getting the message, they'd be there again next trip.

Mach 2, Bitches.

That area is for me, not you. The reason it is empty is so I can load up on my Strawberry daiquiris, White Zin, or any other crap drink you guys will be ordering when you sit down.

Makes it tough to do when it becomes the most popular hang out spot, my old bartender refused to serve people standing there, and good for him.

I don't care where you go, what kind of wait is on, watch out for your surroundings, people that are serving or staff are there to work, not get stuck in line waiting for you, we'll do plenty of waiting at your table later. Now you're impeding my progress...

At my old restaurant people would line up five deep at that exact area, the worst place possible, in front of the bar and right around a blind corner coming out of the kitchen ally.

That's where it happened...

The incident.

I come trucking out with my tray, abruptly coming to a halt.

"Oh are we in your way?

I glare...

The double door swings back.

Hits my tray.



Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Is Anyone There??

So I'm at our POS system today, slammed of course when I see a man peeking around the corner from the bar.

"Ya, isn't someone gonna help me?" The truly lost man spit out.

Sara, one of the waitresses goes to him,"the bartender will be right with you."

"Well I'm in a hurry, can't you take my order?"


So he proceeds to sit himself in her section of course, since he can't wait thirty seconds for the bartender to come up.

The gentleman then flags down another server and makes him take his order, again not his table but...

The server flags down Sara and gives her his order, a cup of soup and side salad, nice.

So I'm back at the POS station ringing in my eight top when someone taps me on the shoulder. I figure its a fellow server so I shrug it off, then they start grabbing my sleeve and tugging. I turn around with a fury, don't mess with me when I'm punching in orders.

It's him.

And He's pissed.

"Where's my soup?!?!"

"I don't know," is my answer.

"Well Can't you find out?"

Fuck him I think,"I'm not your server sir."

"Can't you find him?"

"I'm busy sir," I have about ten things to do, before I can even think about helping my OWN tables, let alone him.

"Well I'm in a hurry!"

Ya so am I!

And that was my response to him...

He grabs my arm again as I turn back to my work.

I slowly turn around.

"I don't like to be touched," I say as an evil leer crosses my face.

He backs up a step.

He broke my #1 rule, don't touch me, especially when I'm slammed.

Contrary to popular belief, I'm a server, not a servant, there is a distinction, ever so slight as it is.

Just then I see Sara coming with his soup and salad, he sees he can't mess with me.

He's one of the types that prefers messing with women, men his age think girls are weak, well this one isn't.

"I've been waiting forever," the red faced man starts,"I have a meeting!"

She stares him in the eye,"we're busy."

That's it, he sits down, eats,pays his bill, stiffs her, and is gone.

Don't touch me, and never interrupt your server, they are at work for others than just you.

BTW his ticket time I found out was a full 5 minutes, not bad when we're on a thirty minute wait at lunch with 20 minute ticket times...

Tuesday, September 13, 2005


So I'm pulling out booth and running the hokey to pick up the leavings of a fine night.

I get to the last one, pull it out.

And there it is...

A Used Diaper.

The words cross my mind.

Then run over my lips.

Fuck You.

I've seen some crazy stuff, debased myself over my own dignity, lied through my teeth for a customer, bent over for idiot managers, delt with asshole cooks, hostesses, bartenders, owners, and fellow servers...

But never in my life have I felt like this.

I'm not here on this earth to pick up after your shit as well, that was beyond common sence, and decency.

Fuck You

You piece of trash...


I hate BYOB...

Unless its at the titty bar that is.

The third and most annoying bring your own, the beverage.

At my old place people came down from the hotel with their own six-packs of Miller High Life and plunked down at the bar, and that was just the owner's brother.

The bartender had such a problem with it that he banned a few people.

One guy had a Heinekin, and was told to get rid of it...

He then bought one to make the barkeep happy, and turned up with the "full" bottle an hour later.

Claimed it was the same one, u're banned!!!

Which brings me to the newest problem, the cork fee...

I don't know who started this practice, but enough already!

Every place I've been charges $15, and believe me I've had my share of people freak out on this.

Of course they blame me for it, you know I set the policy around here, that's by I wear a sweat stained shirt and have to listen to your bullshit.

Would you bring a six pack to the bar because you don't want to pay the mark up??

No, its not allowed, you probably think the guy at the beginning was an ass for doing it, yet you do the same with a bottle of your finest...

Hell, many restaurants have introduced a no cork fee on slower nights to bring in business. Nothing like a long line of KJ Chardonnay and Beringer, all for free.

I've seen tables with as many as six bottles on them, and it's a four top. I'm really glad that you love the ambiance and all of our place, but I'm tired of waiting on people for nothing.

They hang out for hours, taking up my time, for a shit check average.

I just don't understand.

However the sickest thing I've seen, is a buck-fifty bottle of Silver Oak '97 that I had to open for nothing, when its on the menu...

I've seen Opus, Grange, Dom...

All the trendy mertage's, blends, Bordeaux's...

And no tip.

No boasting to my colleagues about my big sale, hell I'd rather them bring in their Beringer, at least its only six bucks...

Hell bring a bottle of the High Life for fuck's sake!

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Ya, The Food Court is That Way...

Alright, the last post kind of had me thinking, that's why this is the continuation of the aforementioned post.

A restaurant is a business, we are there to do, well, business...

You come in, purchase a product, service, and other forms of hospitality, even time in your seat.

So imagine my chagrin when such things are taken advantage of.

A couple weeks ago I had a six top come in, they were waiting for two others, when I came back they were there and I asked about their order.

"Oh, we're not eating anything, I take a water with lemon."

So later on upon returning to their table with the order, I was shocked to see the two joiners pull out a whole spread from their purses.

They had bread, deli meat, condiments, and cheese out on the table. Even little crackers for side dishes.

And they just looked at me...

The things I wanted to say.

We're Not A Food Court!

It's fine if you want your own little dinner, that's what the food court is for, or the park, or the cafeteria at your office

I've seen whole tables whip out their own condiment, or dressing.

I understand some may have dietary needs so I usually don't make a stink about dressings and such.

However, an entire dinner is something else...

Which brings me to my next post...

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

When Life Gives You Lemons...

Cruisin' by the bar the other night I was pulled aside by one of my cohorts...

As Troy points over to his table he says, "hey check this out!"

I look over, it was a group of housekeepers from the hotel.

Not wanting to be stereotypical, but hotel people tip like shit.

Even the managers are like that, and they make like five times more,
so I was like, "sorry buddy."

"No that's only the beginning, look what they're doing!"

Well I guess when they sat down they all ordered water, being as it would actually cost them money to order something else...

Well they had brought their own drinks.

Lemonade Packets!!!

They had asked for sugar and were making their own lemonade!!!

I was incredulous!

"Trashy fucks," was Troy's answer.

Mine as well.

If you're too cheap to pay for a drink in a restaurant, drink water.

At least you won't look like a total asshole...

I hate that shit more than anything, bringing your own food or drink to a restaurant or bar, it's just poor manners.

We're a business, there to sell you our own product, not have you hang out and do what you want.

Which will bring me to this next post...

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

D.A.R.E. to be on...Meth?

It's a typical Thursday lunch, I have seven tables and am getting rocked.

All the usual tables, a great mix of entry level office drones, self important businessmen, and of course the "Office Ladies tm"

I'm getting ready to flip my tables into another round of ten percenters when a four top drops down.

Three ladies and a "Gentleman," which is a loose term for him indeed...

They look like a sales crew to me, you know, the ones who go door to door and try to sell you a Hustler or Home and Garden, whatever your pleasure may be.

Well I get their requisite waters, and usual salad and soup lunches and think that's it.

As I cruise past the gentleman grabs my arm.


I want to scream.

"Yes sir, can I help you?" I sputter as I try to catch the side of ranch precariously balanced on the edge of the plate I'm carrying.

"Ya can you tell me something?"


"You don't do any of that shit they do around here do you?" He queries.

"What do you mean sir?"

"That Crystal Meth, you don't do that do you?"

Shit, I probably should if it makes dealing with clowns like you any easier.

But of course my answer is, "um no, why?"

"Well that's what you guys do in Iowa isn't? Meth?"

"Not most of us, why would you ask me that?" I stare incredulously at him.

"I just want to know what its like."

Christ, what a dumbshit...

If he actually wanted to know, he could just drag a can of Coors Light on a string through a trailer park, ask one of the scrubs chasing it.

Bet they would have all the information you need.

But no, he had to ask me of all people.

I know I work in a restaurant, but does that mean I have the Crystal hook up??

I might be able to score some brickweed swag from one of the bus boys, but come on.

It seems people think us waiters have all the answers.

I get asked everything from where the "Titty Bar" is to "Is there a whorehouse in town?"

Beyond knowing the number for a cab to take your clown-ass out of my sight, please don't hassle me.

And don't assume I'm a Meth addict because of my pasty disposition and stubbley face, I wasn't up smoking rocks, geez...

I was up all night drinking thoughts of people like you into oblivion.

Monday, September 05, 2005

Dirty Dozens

So back in the day I was bartending at a local BBQ joint, fun eh?

Well as a bartender you had to work the take out counter as well...

Brutal on a Saturday rush, let me tell you.

Well while working my station a lady comes in with a take out bag in her hand.

She was in about a hour prior.

"Can I help you Ma'am?"

"Yes," she replies,"I ordered a dozen wings, and I only got eleven."


"Is this a racial thing?!?!" She inquired.

She was black...

Of course my bugged eyed response was "what??"

"Every time I come in here, YOU screw up my order, and it's because I'm black."

Shit, that's all I need in my life.

Hell the man cooking her food was BLACK, for God's sake!!!

"Ma'am I assure you it's not racial, what can I do for you?"

She opens the bag and hands me her chicken wings, or rather the remains of them.

"See there's only eleven!"

Ya, looks like that twelfth bone probably got choked down with the rest of the grub...

But dutifully I say...

"I'm sorry."

These days I would have told her my theories about that twelfth wing, or perhaps suggested where she puts it...

"Ma'am, what do you think I can do to make this better??"

She thinks for a moment, "I WANT new wings and I WANT my money back for having to come down here!"

So you WANT a hand out...

My manager comes up, rolls over, and gives in, as usual.

I don't care what color you are, I'm tired of people wanting wanting everything for free.

I don't know if she was telling the truth or not, but I've had to many people lie in my face, just to save a few bucks, or get a hand out.

I'm don't hate any particular group...

Being a long time service industry employee I do cringe at times when many types of people come in...

But hey, its equal opportunity for me, the list is a long one.

Do stereotypes play a part in your life??

Do they ever cross your mind??

I'll leave that one for you to decide for yourself.

For me, I'm tired of people plunking down the race card with accusing eyes on me, I don't hate you for your color...

I dislike you for the prejudiced view you have on me, that one goes out to my black lady friend.

Your view that I'm so petty that I'll take ONE of your precious wings because of your background is just insulting to me.

Next time I'll take your chicken, and eat it with glee, because I dispise you personally, now that would be petty, wouldn't it?

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Ruffled Feathers!

Well it seemed I got under the skin of some with that last post, good!

I'm not only here to rant, I want to hear yours as well.

Now I love your an a-hole comments as much as the next guy, but if you have an opinion, please try to be a little bit articulate.

This isn't 3rd grade you know...

Now most disagreements have been civil and well thought out.

If I have a point you wish to dispute, go for it.

Not that I'm going to admit I'm wrong or anything, just want a constructive opinion.

And friends new stories are coming soon!!

Been very busy this week with other things but new Gripes are there by the thousands in my mind!