The Insane Waiter

Running wild on customers, chefs, owners and managers since 1997. I bring to you, The Insane Waiter. What do bring to your table? A crisp bottle of San Pellegrino ? Perhaps a lovely seared Sashimi Tuna? Start off with a wonderful bottle from Tuscany perhaps? Why I'll be more than happy to bring you your White Zinfandel and Chicken Caesar. No you can't order the mac and cheese off the kids menu and sorry no, we don't serve cheese sticks....

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

When it Rains

So I'm sitting here at a public library with this short update.

When they say when it rains it pours it screwed me up literally this time.

Storm knocked out my computer, again...

And besides that just about everything that can go wrong has in the last week or so.

Got back with the girl from "Love, Lost"

Poured my heart out to her, then...

Got dumped by her.

Was unable to work for two weeks so no income.

Behind on college class for the summer.

Received my first real income tax return as a waiter/bartender...


And promptly saw my plans for a 36" HDTV trashed as I cut checks for bills that I would have paid with my income, if not for me being unable to work.

The this weekend, right in time to go back on the floor, I rolled my ankle and somehow pinched a nerve in my hip so I can barely walk with this baseball sized bump on my ankle.

Not a good thing when I'm on my feet for 10-12 hours a pop.

So I decided to play through the pain.

To walk it off.

Went through my first lunch shift, barely.

Of course on the way home some Haitian immigrant has to rear end me and wrench my neck and back out of place, no English, it was all clicks and whistles to me and no insurance of course.

I'll be ok and so will be my ride, but I spent this morning hobbling around like Quasimodo while irate office bitches wondered why I was taking so long getting their Arnold Palmer's.

So in other words I'm one pissed off camper.

So pretty much no update this week, I'd take my computer in, but I can't afford to for a couple weeks as I have about $17 to my name now.

Good night, and good luck and I'll be back as soon as possible, no "Server Stories" like absence, be free to leave great comments such as "Get a real job" or "The world needs ditch diggers too"

Monday, June 19, 2006

Polite Requests

"We all want Diet Cokes," the lady said while pointing to the other guests.

Great, someone that thinks they're the spokesperson for the table.

I hate Alpha's.

"Except that I want two, TWO, lemons in mine," the lady continued, "my husband wants one lemon AND one lime."

"Also my friend will have two lemons as well with her diet and a lime with her water and her husband wants no lemon in his Diet, but one on his water instead." She blathered.

I smile and nod and find my way to the kitchen.

One of the waiters, Chad, stops me.

"I see you have the Johnsons." He said.

"They're friends with the owner, and they tip like shit." He snickered.

Great start to the day I thought to myself as I grabbed a handful of lemons and limes and threw them into a bowl.

If they want to order their fucking Diets eight different ways they can sort it out themselves.

Upon dropping their fruit basket on the table I received a familiar request.

"Where's our bread at?" The Alpha barked.

"A piece will come with your dinner, now if you'll excuse me..." I moved on to my next table.

"Folks would you care for something to..." I started.

"We've been ready to order." The lady to my right interrupted.

Great, another Alpha, I just know that thirty second wait for me to come over and be at her beck and call was almost to much for her to bear.

"I want the Cobb salad and you WILL give me extra bacon and you WILL give me extra tomatoes and you WILL give me extra bread with it." She rattled off snidely.

Her snippy blond friend came next.

"I want the same thing, except..."

Now comes the good part.

"Except I don't want blue cheese dressing, but you WILL give me Parmesan, on the side, and I want no bacon and no tomato." She said.

So you want the exact same thing, except everything changed even more.

I finish their orders and begin to walk off.

"Excuse me! Excuse me!" Alpha #2 shouts.

"Yes miss?" I respond.

"We also want three Diet Cokes, with lime." She said.

"Of course," I said...

Of course...

The rest of the day went similarly, there must have been some sort of assertiveness convention in town.

"The Seven Habits of Highly Pretentious People"


Wednesday, June 14, 2006



Argh! So I've been backlogged the last week or so and this is coming off the Memorial Day weekend.

So as the holiday weekend is drawing to a close I'd like to thank all of the regulars that came in for all the fun that they provided, and the pay of course.

As far as the regulars mentioned, I don't mean the ones I greet with a smile and the anticipation of a fun table.

I mean the ones that make every waiter in the joint groan as they enter the door, the ones that we pray to the almighty we won't wind up with in our section.

Gone are the days of playful banter, flirting with the "still got it" middle aged ladies and the drink of preference waiting on the bar for a grateful patron.

Hello to "We know the owner" and are entitled to make your shift as difficult as possible with the constant threat that "you'll be reported"

So it was a difficult night to say the least.

And I had the pleasure of waiting on this guy...

He was a joy to say the least, since that tale has occurred he's decided to become a regular and he and his family have been a constant thorn in my side for the last six months.

Every time they order they take an item on the menu and change every possible ingredient.

They want the fettucini pasta, but with no tomatoes or onions, penne for the pasta and substitute chicken for shrimp.

Shit like that.


Naturally they then complain that "it isn't what I expected"

What did you expect, play chef and this is what you get, crap.

Then they come in a week later, and play the same game.

I'll never understand the regulars like this, they complain about the food, service or drinks and still show up the next week and repeat.

Why would you regularly go anywhere if it isn't up to your standards?

My guess is that they just like to have their ass kissed and to push people around.


I'll just be sure to be a little more surely their next visit, maybe they'll go down the street instead.

And thus the rest of the night went, we didn't get busy until about an hour before close and of course we were short staffed being as every server had off for the holiday.

I had a huge section, nine tables, which is very large for dinner and it was kind of hard to jump start into that type of rush after sitting around with nothing to do for the first three hours of the shift.

I pleaded with the host to hold off on more tables but apparently management was more concerned with getting people a table than ensuring good service.

People were lined up at the front like cattle through a chute, middle aged women outraged that we couldn't accommodate their walk in twelve top were crying like a kid with a case of the terrible two's.

I managed though, through the quarduple seatings, tables that should have received better service were waylaid for middle aged women whining about their salad dressings and wanting three, and only three, ice cubes in their white zin.

And the late diners arrived right on time, ten after close.

They were seated anyways, so much for the holiday party I was chomping at the bit to get to.

I was stuck there right on to eleven, two hours after close.

But enough of the poor me, check out the anti-tipping site below, a nice compliment to the bitterwaitress boards.

There's another question, what do you think of servers putting real names along with the amounts that they tipped on the internet?

Also here's a link to Buon Appetito, checked him out on Waiter-Rant and thought he was very well written with a lot of worthwhile tales...

The Anti-Tipping Site

Here's his forum


WHY Tipping?

Why NOT Stop?

Just say NO!

TIP means To Insure Promptness, or TIPS, To Insure Promt Service...Numerous writings regarding the history of "tipping" would indicate that tipping came about centuries ago, and was a gratuity paid up front to insure prompt, efficient service subsequently. Now, the gratuity is paid after the fact (just another aspect of how backasswards things have become).
Gone are the days of olde when the innkeeper's daughter was the servant administering to weary travelers at wayside inns. But today, tipping has grown into an institution unto itself, and we are "conditioned" to this with obedience, and without question, no resistence, not so much as a whimper.

In fact, we Tip with extreme loyalty, vanity, and pride, as do we obediently submit to paying our "taxes"! Anyone who dares voice an opinion contrary to tipping, is immediately attacked by tippers--the majority--therefore, mob rule prevails. Recently, I chanced to post some of my thoughts on the above to an Internet bulletin board, and was lambasted unmercifully as a tightwad, flake, and just plain mean-spirited, (where have I heard that b4?) etc. And then, yet another!

Some of these irate responses came from enraged waiters, waitresses, etc. (excuse me, "SERVERS") who felt that they were entitled to tips, since their employers paid them below minimum wage and they needed the tips. I'm not sure that is even so and/or legal.
Others stated that they certainly would not take another job at higher pay and have to pay taxes on that pay, ending up w/less in their pockets; whereas otherwise they did not report their total tips, etc. Hmmm...

This topic is not limited to servers, etc. Today, everybody under the sun seems to be an eligible tippee and expects a tip--and big ones too.

I have no doubt that many folks--that silent majority--would agree that the archaic system of tipping should come to a screeching halt. And it would but for one thing, the overwhelming social pressure from the loudmouths in general--"why, what would people think..." if one publicly states and demonstrates that he/she thinks that this system is antiquated and it is time to change? Granted, that many have served faithfully receiving/not receiving well-deserved tips for their service--I am addressing the system of tipping itself, and not those people involved--good or bad--tippees or employers, tippers, etc.

If you are inclined to respond/post on this board, please attempt to do so with the big picture in mind, and not personally biased, e,g., as you would if you just happen to be one of the countless tipped/insufficiently tipped servers, taxi-drivers, bellhops, etc., etc. You may respond/post on any or all of those things mentioned above, and/or related information, questions, answers, etc.
Actually, I may have been motivated on this topic after reading an article on the Internet (by a U.S. Marine, moonlighting) who was badmouthing consumers in general for thinking that they should pay only the traditional 15% tip--this arrogant xxxxxxx was sure he had more coming him, and, indeed, was irritated/enraged that some were daring enough, depriving him of his due.

Personally, I am damned sick and tired of "servers" kneeling at my table, referring to me/us as "you guys," and hearing their "sorry bout dat," (which means xxxx you!) What? Complain to the manager you say? Yeah, right, and what do ya get--another pimply-faced kid w/a wiseass attitude--samo-samo as your server who shows up and recites their little spiel, "Hi, "I'm MaryJane, etc., and I'll be your server today..."

Don't get me wrong--I am not opposed to tipping because of the above listed grievances, and/or other inadequacies--I am opposed to tipping in principle, period--I work for my pay like most others--and I neither expect nor demand a handout. Just thought I would pitch my favorite bitches here while I'm at it, since the opportunity presents itself.

Now, this site/board is post moderated--by me. I will likely not approve all posts across the board, whether pro or con in view of my stated feelings on this topic--my previous experience convinces me that there are people who will post to anything whether or not they have anything to say. Not trying to discourage anyone from posting here, I hope you will post here, but be assured I intend to keep the outright jerks away. Those not agreeing w/me, however, should have something germane to the subject, and/or at least interesting (somewhat), as will be those (many?) interesting responses from those agreeing w/me. :)

OK, I may re-write this forum description as I go along--but this will suffice to get things rolling, hopefully. This topic, I think, has the potential for some interesting interaction, as I believe it is something most people have an opinion on--one way or the other. I also have noticed that Mr. Google cannot seem to search for and find any anti-tipping sites on the Internet--so here it is! An interim anti-tipping site, until people wake up and decide they're not going to take it anymore--that might take some time...

But, it does take balls to post here agreeing with what I have had to say above. Those agreeing with me will quickly find themselves among the politically incorrect. The loudmouths, however, the ever-present majority (of the herd-mentality), will have no problem posting their venom here--they don't know from balls.

Have at it.
Thank You,Dick Gaines

Saturday, June 10, 2006


Well I've been pretty busy the last week or so, but don't think I'm gone like "Server Stories"

I'm like a bad rash, so look for updates in the first part of the week, until then I'm sure you'll find other blogs to be offended at/enjoy...